Here is a sentence perfectly calibrated to turpentine away my own personal last straw: “The founders of America’s first matcha café in New York City are bringing an energy drink powered by the trendy green tea leaf to stores nationwide, along with the help of some special celebrity investors including Ansel Elgort, Diplo, Billie Eilish, and Von Miller.”
Even better: There’s a promotional video, which opens with a shirtless Elgort eating cereal and explaining that: “We all work hard. But then we get tired. So, we grab an energy drink. But then a few hours later, we feel like s— because they’re full of chemicals and sugar. My friends Max and Graham thought it didn’t have to be that way.”
Best of all: The drink is literally called Hustle!! And they prepared for the launch by handing out cans at as many summer music festivals as possible. The cultures of Silicon Valley startups and the American bro, which have been converging for quite some time, are now wholly one.
Variety has this unsettlingly pitch-perfect news, which is yet more evidence that we’re trapped in one of those “hysterical realism” novels from the early 2000s. Donald Trump is president and Williamsburg, Brooklyn, is birthing a matcha energy drink called “Hustle” backed by Ansel Elgort and Diplo.