Vogue Offers Exercise Tips for Women Too Weak to Wear Heavy Ball Gowns

Are you one of the tens of women who has scored an invite to this year’s ultra-exclusive Met Gala on May 5th? Are you also concerned that when you attend the event so snooty that last year, Anna Wintour barred all of the Real Housewives and Kris Jenner, you’ll be so draped in heavy finery that your frail frame will collapse under the weight of your own fabulousness? Well then, does Vogue ever have the perfect workout for you!

Ever relatable to the contemporary American everywoman, today, Vogue’s website put together a helpful guide to getting strong and sculpted enough to befit the posture-challenging gowns mandated by the gods of fashion and Condé Nast. To save you the click, here’s the expert advice they were able to gather in terms of preparation for the Big Night:

“Core strength is crucial.” [trainer David Kirsh] adds. For a sleek upper body and strong abs, the trainer suggests planks, side planks (and more planks), and reps on a mountain climbing machine in the weeks leading up to the event. “I’ve also been seeing great results with heavy, weighted ropes,” he says of the training apparatus. “Attack the floor with them like the floor’s your worst enemy. You can vent your frustrations while combating upper arm jiggle and cinching and tightening your waist.”

Attack the floor like it wants you to lay on it when you’ve got hours left to wear a gown that in nature would cause one to be immediately picked off by predators seeking the slow and weak!

Another trainer thinks aspirant ball gown wearers should train constantly. AT ALL TIMES.

In preparation, “you should engage your [abs] all day, whether you’re walking, driving, watching TV, or sitting at your desk. She also suggests “fun” core exercises like crunches, Russian twists with a ball, kick-outs, knee-tucks, vertical knee raises, back extensions, and pronated and supinated V-ups. Tighten your abdominal muscles, belly button to spine, and keep your chest up and shoulders back. Find that beautiful curve in your lower back.

FUCKING FIND IT. FIND THAT BEAUTIFUL GODDAMN CURVE!

And finally, the cardio:

Jacey Lambros, a former Rockette who trains fitness-minded fashion types like Gucci Westman at Manhattan’s Body by Simone, suggests serious cardio (30 to 60 minutes of running, spinning, or dancing, five days a week). “In order to endure hours in five-inch heels and a heavy, structured dress, you need supreme balance, calf strength, and cardio fitness,” she says.

Don’t do cardio because it’s good for you and it feels good and it promotes healthy skin and vitality and a longer life of higher quality.