Vitamins Make You Slutty

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But a multivitamin a day keeps the doctor sexting her ex boyfriends at 3 am and jaywalking. According to some new research, taking multivitamins makes people think that they’re stronger and therefore more durable, and as a result, vitamin poppers are more likely to engage in risky behavior.

Researchers in Taiwan gave half of a group of test subjects sugar pills and told them that they were taking sugar pills. They told the other half that they were taking vitamins. The people who thought they were taking vitamins experienced a strange change in behavior.

NBC is reporting that the research found whether or not the vitamins actually had any health benefits didn’t matter; people who thought they were swallowing magic beans were infused with a sense of indomitable toughness. “Vitamin” takers were less likely to engage in healthy behaviors like exercise and healthy eating; the pills were making up for their bad decisions!

Because vitamins create a sense of instant vitality, like Popeye with his spinach, the imaginary juiced up test subjects were also more likely to think in ways that could lead to risky behavior. Likewise, researchers postulate, when normal people take vitamins, instead of Popeye-style punching our romantic rivals with super strength and speed, we take our pants off or go skydiving. Or go skydiving with our pants off.

The study’s results are published in Psychological Science.

No word on whether the way to combat the negative attitude consequences of taking a multivitamin is to take it in conjunction with something that makes you forget.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a 20 pound Thanksgiving turkey to deep fry under the tree outside my building. Maybe I’ll deep fry the stuffing, too.