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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

Venus Will Not Be Ignored, Dan!

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Photo: AP (AP)

Breaking news: men might not be from Mars, but women may be from Venus. Or at the very least we deserve to get first dibs on inhabiting the ruthless planet now that scientists are suggesting that it may show signs of life 

The New York Times reports that astronomers have found the chemical phosphine in Venus’s atmosphere, concluding that the only way this could exist is because something is alive on this planet. If that sounds scary, don’t be afraid: Venus sounds like it was built just for women, not just because it’s named after the goddess of love and beauty. To start, the planet “roasts at temperatures of hundreds of degrees,” so it’s like a giant, deathly tanning bed in the sky. And wait, there’s also skincare because Venus is “cloaked by clouds that contain droplets of corrosive sulfuric acid.” Sign me up!

In astrology, the planet Venus guides romance and beauty in one’s life. In reality, it’s a flaming hellscape where any living creature intent on surviving must endure extreme conditions. So basically Earth, but brighter. Once you get past the whole “the plant literally melts metal” thing, seems like women will be fine. But why are astronomers and scientists, who’ve long thought Venus was inhabitable, suddenly discovering potential signs of life? Because apparently nobody has been paying attention to her giant, flaming Cheeto-dusted beauty. “Venus has been ignored by NASA for so long,” planetary scientist Sarah Stewart Johnson tells the New York Times. “It’s really a shame.”

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Venus will not be ignored, Dan. Not anymore!