Um... JLo and A-Rod Broke Up?

Illustration for article titled Um... JLo and A-Rod Broke Up?
Image: Chelsea Gugliemino (Getty Images)

Normally I proclaim “love is dead” whenever the starcrossed lovers of Tinseltown call it quits, because I’m dead inside and it’s nice to pretend like I can feel much of anything over something as inconsequential as a Hollywood “romance.” This time around, it’s Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez that have thrown in the towel. Help, I feel nothing and I’m running out of breakup idioms.


Page Six reports that the two-year engagement between them has been called off. Sources tell the rag they were destined to call it off, which makes sense, if you ignore the 3 billion selfies they’d routinely post of each other at every conceivable opportunity.

According to Page Six, it’s been a busy month for the two. Last month they were spotted in the Dominican Republic, where she’s filming a movie, Shotgun Wedding. Previously, they called off their engagement twice, attended Biden’s inauguration, attempted a ludicrous purchase of the Mets, and bought and flipped multiple million-dollar properties around Miami. Where else is there really to go, when two people literally do it all.

Hey, at least she has this movie to look forward to... and he has... a guest spot on Shark Tank? Maybe?


Pumpkin Andy is Orange

You all know the reason they split, right? At the reunion episode for Southern Charm, a reality show on Bravo that aired a month or two ago, it was revealed that one of the main characters (mean, gorgeous hair stylist) flew to Miami to have sex with ARod, who had been texting her. Because ARod watches Bravo. Y’all know this is common knowledge among the large chunk America that watches many, many Housewives, some Below Deck, a bit of Southern Charm, and not much Summer House, right? Welcome to my world.