Welcome to Jezebel’s Midweek Madness, where local menace Joan Summers has just learned that Leighton Meester and Gywneth Paltrow starred in Country Strong together. Would anyone like to take my hand and believe in a world where Goop asked her publicist to call Stefani Joanne Ally Maine Germanotta ahead of A Star Is Born’s release to “offer tips”?

As for this week’s tabloids- let’s dive in!

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In Touch:

As my readers have hopefully come to expect, this is not an in-depth interview with Jennifer Aniston. She does not share her tips on chunky highlights and hydration with In Touch, nor does she reveal any particular truths to the rumors (that American Media repeatedly propagates) on her many love affairs with Brad Pitt post-divorce. However, I am absolutely fascinated by the meditation room inside her mansion. According to In Touch,

“Jen is a big advocate for becoming a couch potato...if that sofa is in a shrink’s office, that is. ‘I’ve been in therapy for years!’ she says. [...] She’s so serious about her headspace, she’s even carved out a corner of her own house just for reflection. ‘She has a meditation room in her home that she calls her sanctuary,’ says an insider. ‘Jen can spend hours in there meditating. It clears her mind.”

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Maybe this is a galaxy brain-level take, but was anyone reminded of Valerie Cherish’s ill-fated yoga room from the first season episode of The Comeback, “Valerie Gets A Magazine Cover”? Further into this cover story, I was grimly reminded that Aniston has an upcoming Netflix movie with Adam Sandler, Murder Mystery, in which she plays a stereotypical harpy wife that wishes her husband was dead. Plot twist: they get entangled in a... murder mystery.

Further in, I’m informed that “insiders” are “worried” that Felicity Huffman will “have to scrub toilets” in her “prison hell.” Sources also claim that the former Desperate Housewife is scared that bullies will ruin her life because of her enormous wealth and television career. Even prison guards are chiming in with news that she’ll likely spend time in the Federal Correctional Institution in Dublin, California. Per In Touch:

‘It’s no country club, an employee tells us. [...] “There are two to four people per cell. Inmates are all required to have jobs. They have to take care of everything within the facility, working on landscape, cleaning the yard, all sorts of things.” Even scrubbing the toilets? “Yes,” says the employee. “And celebs do not get special treatment.”’

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I can’t be the only one bewildered by the coverage celebrities receive when threatened with our deranged legal system. In Touch frames this news with obvious glee that a group of prison guards will have the chance to enact state-sponsored violence on someone typically exempt from such treatment. Are we supposed to root for the prison industrial complex? Because I will not! It’s certainly an inversion of expected visual tropes to see everymom Felicity Huffman “in shackles.” But isn’t it wilder that most outlets don’t think twice when covering the forced-labor conditions inside American prisons. And worse, that we’re conditioned by the glowing press that prison guards and police officers are treated to for the violence they inflict on marginalized communities?

Meanwhile, chaos merchants Scarlett Johansson and Colin “The dating app Tinder announced a new feature this week that gives users 37 different gender identity options. It’s called, ‘Why democrats lost the election.” Jost are getting married. Can you feel the hellmouth underneath Manhattan opening wider at the news? Kacey Musgraves wore it better, Noomi Rapace wore a suit, and Vanessa Hudgens stepped out in a Gucci belt. Kelly Ripa called out The Bachelorette, claiming that the “gross gross” show “disgusts me.” After Mike Fleiss, the franchise’s creator, proclaimed that his monstrosity pays her salary, Ellen Pompeo stepped in the ring with a resounding “We don’t attack successful women on our network, and men certainly cannot take credit for their success.” She also referred to herself as a “savage,” which prompted me to imagine a reality show in which hosts and stars of ratings juggernauts battle it out in extreme environments a la Survivor. The British have probably done this first, but I’m willing to step in the ring if the Powers That Be will have me!

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And as the resident trans, I’d like to (briefly) torch this infographic of celebrity doppelgangers made using Snapchat’s “gender swap” filter. I’m always baffled by cis people’s failure to grasp the concept of object permanence. Even further, I can’t help but scream when they consistently invalidate inherent transphobia with the (clueless) realization that gender is a learned set of behaviors and visual motifs that can easily assign new meanings to pre-existing concepts. If we can alter our faces or clothing or performances with slight adjustments to “swap genders,” then anyone can be anything. Welcome to the trans agenda! (And fuck you, Colin Jost!)

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What else?

  • Paris Hilton called Lindsay Lohan “beyond lame and embarrassing.”
  • George Clooney tried to warn Ben Affleck from taking the role of Superman.
  • Melissa McCarthy inserted herself into a Billie Eilish music video.
  • Kyle Richards “stopped by to smell the roses at the Allergan Mother’s Day event.”
  • Channing Tatum is still dating Jenna Dewan look-a-like, Jessie J.
  • Teresa Giudice is now shilling bikini competition weight loss supplements.
  • Jennifer Garner received her honorary doctorate from Denison University.
  • I doubt that Trevor Noah is dating Charlize Theron.

As for this week’s blind:

This former news anchor turned TV personality keeps looking younger and younger. The almost-50 star recently got a little nip and tuck, and you’ll be able to see the results for yourself when her show comes back this summer.

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Am I going to shade or shame women who get work done in the television off-season? Absolutely not. But do I feel like this is about Julie Chen? Absolutely. Not only is she 49, but she started as a CBS news anchor and Big Brother premieres in June.

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Ok!:

Can we all hold hands as I dive into a celebrity marriage I have little understanding of? I love being qualified for my job! According to sources, Faith Hill and Tim McGraw are the “King and Queen of Country Music” As the resident Gen Z menace: Kacey Musgraves and Lil Nas X would disagree. But without any formal context for the state of country music, I’d be hard pressed to refute the experts at Ok! Inside the spread are various photographs of children, cowboy hats, and Grammy awards. I’m told that Tim McGraw has a “secret struggle” with alcohol, despite previously giving interviews on the subject of his alcohol abuse. Sounds like an unnecessary stigmatization! There’s also the baffling assertion that they haven’t been photographed as a couple in 262 days. In my head, there’s a closet full of American Media interns whose only job is counting the days between photographs of married people. It’s an exciting fantasy! I’m mostly shocked by the realization that it was Leighton Meester who starred as the upstart pageant princess in the Gwyneth Paltrow vehicle Country Strong. (Tim McGraw played her husband, for context.) In lieu of the crushing guilt I should be feeling over reporting on the crumbling marriage between two people I could care less about, why not stream “Heartstrings” instead?

Meanwhile: Dakota Johnson did not wear it better and Kristen Bell hosted “American Express’ Perfect Night In to celebrate the launch of the Blue Cash Preferred Card.” Nicole Kidman “advocated for sun safety” at a rooftop Neutrogena event, the Kardashian’s unveiled their haunted Madame Tussauds’ replicants, and Teresa Giudice has now shilled the same bikini competition weight loss supplement in three different publications. Look at all these human billboards! Rami “I promise that I had no idea Bryan Singer was an alleged sexual predator” Malek and somebody named Lucy Boynton are “talking marriage.” After previously reporting that she was “head over heels” for Jeremy Renner, Ok! now claims Stefani Joanne Ally Maine Germonatta is “looking for love.” And while the This Is Us cast is allegedly “reeling” after learning that Season 6 will be their last, I can’t help but wonder: Did they really think that a gimmicky plot that uses unreliable narration and arbitrary storytelling devices to withhold information could really “go on for more than a decade, like Grey’s Anatomy or ER”? I’m also treated to the “news” that known Republican and Brett Kavanaugh stan, Camille Grammer, is a pot-stirring fame-monster desperate for screen time. Shocking!

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  • I feel bad for dishing on an event that aims to “promote diversity by giving a voice to those who are underrepresented in the entertainment industry,” but it is strange that the Bentonville Film Festival is proudly sponsored by Walmart—a leader in union-busting tactics and wage theft.
  • Never forget that Bob Saget would proudly draw dicks all and yell swear words all around the Full House set. Never mind the child stars!
  • Woody Allen sympathizer Diane Keaton thinks she’s a terrible actress.
  • The 3rd season of Claws premieres June 9th on TNT. Thank god!
  • Tinsley Mortimer traded in her apple for a grapefruit when she tasted the Cenote Paloma at the Paloma Bar pop-up, which is located at the Marmara Park Avenue Hotel.”
  • Ryan Reynolds is “surprised” that his daughter isn’t selling hand-rolled cigarettes to her preschool peers.

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Image: Life & Style Magazine

Life & Style:

No matter how hard you beg me, I’m sticking firm to my moratorium! I also refuse to check in on the “secrets and lies” of 90 Day Fiancé, a show that’s empowered a generation of xenophobes with its sensationalization of the daily violence inflicted by the US Immigration system. Let the good gossip reign supreme! Meghan Markle’s “rules” for meeting Archie allegedly includes washing your hands and not showing up with a runny nose. Once again, palace “insiders” are absolute haters! Nikki Bella is writing a “tell all,” which seemingly has ex John Cena in a Twitter Tizzy: “Beware those who think you owe them happiness at the expense of your own well-being.” While I could probably write a novel the relationship between men pressuring women to give up their dreams and aspirations while pleading for women to not change them, I can’t stop thinking that his tweet sounds exactly like Ariana Grande.

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On another plane of existence: James Corden made Anne Hathaway breakdance, Ariel Winter is still a redhead, and Kenan Thompson “rang in the launch of Facebook’s new Birthday Stories feature with a slice of Explosion Cake from Flour Shop.” Excuse me? Vanessa Hudgens posed with some Propel Vitamin Boost Water at a pop-up yoga event. Selena Gomez is “best friends” with Bill Murray. Nicholas Hoult auditioned for the role of Jon Snow in “long hair extensions and a patchy fake tan.” I’d also like to touch down on some of the rumors following Hayden Panettiere’s troubled love life. After cops responded to an assault and battery call involving her boyfriend and his father last October, Brian Hickerson was arrested for felony domestic violence earlier this month. Having previously reported on this story in February, I merely want to wish both her and her daughter the best. I hope they both remain safe, happy, and healthy. (Save the cheerleader, save the world!)

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  • Mariah Carey was photographed at a water park.
  • “Alec Baldwin’s yoga-loving wife, Hilaria, thanked a close pal “for capturing a typical Alec and Hilaria moment.”
  • Ashlee Simpson’s “cool girl essentials” include Cabo San Lucas, RPM Steak in Chicago, and a show allegedly called A Million Little Things.

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Us Weekly:

I’m absolutely disgusted that the tabloids repeatedly publish covers like this that position the thin and rich as the “best bodies.” It’s fucking 2019! Half the denizens of this cover shoot have enormous wealth reserves and access to plastic surgeons that cost more than the houses most of us live in. Instead of indulging this blatant fatphobia and beauty essentialism, why not salvage the rest:

  • Rita Ora stepped out in a pantsuit.
  • Maybe Victoria Justice wore it better?
  • Sophie Turner occasionally finds glitter in her belly button.
  • Halle Berry trained “attack labradoodles” after starring in John Wick: Chapter 3.
  • Jenny McCarthy checked out Amazon’s Treasure Truck to Stock is on P&G Puffs for allergy season.”
  • I can’t stop thinking about Elle Fanning fainting at Cannes.
  • Camila Mendes was photographed.
  • Ashley Benson was seen inserting coins into a parking meter.
  • Katie Stevens recharges with Starbucks during her Disney World bachelorette getaway” while wearing a Friends font “B • R • I • D • E” t-shirt.
  • Wellness-adjacent Busy Philipps puts collagen in her coffee.
  • Meghan Trainor described her marriage to the Spy Kid as “gross.”
  • Ashley Tisdale’s first car was a Lexus and she owns “dozens” of crystals.