Two Pieces of Shit Duke It Out Over Another Piece of Shit

Illustration for article titled Two Pieces of Shit Duke It Out Over Another Piece of Shit
Screenshot: Fox Business

Fox Business blowhard Lou Dobbs and White House white nationalist Stephen Miller got into a minor tiff Monday over Sen. Ted Cruz’s inane offer to present oral arguments before the Supreme Court in a lawsuit seeking to throw out the Pennsylvania general election results. Yes, some of the worst people on the planet are beefing over nonsensical bullshit, but it’s worth it to see Miller rattled.

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Cruz offered the following statement to Fox News: “Petitioners’ legal team has asked me whether I would be willing to argue the case before the Supreme Court, if the Court grants certiorari. I have agreed, and told them that, if the Court takes the appeal, I will stand ready to present the oral argument.”

The lawsuit, brought forward by Rep. Mike Kelly and congressional candidate Sean Parnell, argues that mail-in voting is unconstitutional in Pennsylvania. The suit has already been thrown out in Pennsylvania’s Supreme Court, but President Trump and his allies are hopeful that it has a fighting chance before the conservative-majority United States Supreme Court.

But to Dobbs, the Trump team and Republican Party at large doesn’t appear eager enough to laud Cruz’s offer, or any other pie-in-the-sky scheme to fight so-called election fraud (which did not occur on a wide scale during the 2020 presidential election, despite the right’s insistence to the contrary).

“The president warns for months, and months, and months about mail-in ballots and the potential for fraud, and the Republicans do nothing Steve, nothing,” Dobbs said. “What’s wrong with the Republican Party? Where the hell are the Republicans, Stephen?”

“You’re right, Lou,” Miller said, attempting to match Dobbs’s ire, seemingly unaware that Dobbs sees Miller as part of the problem. “Tens of millions of ballots nationwide. No signature checks, no citizenship checks, no residency checks, no H checks, no criminal record checks. Not even checking if you’re alive or dead? Are we a third world country? Are we a banana republic? What has it come to?”

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Dobbs continued, lamenting that Trump is “fighting all alone.”

“And Ted Cruz has stepped up to say he’ll argue before the Supreme Court,” Dobbs said. “Why on God’s green Earth wouldn’t the White House jump on it?”

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Miller pivoted and said Republican state legislatures should overturn the Biden results. Dobbs wasn’t having it.

“No, no, Stephen. I’m not going to let you do this! You and I, we’re reasonably smart and decent fellows. Why don’t you answer me? That’s all I’m asking here, Stephen. Why don’t you guys jump and salute Ted Cruz and say, ‘Yes, we want you on the team’ now? My God, this is not a time for internecine nonsense on the part of the Republican Party, which is watching its blood drain into the streets because they’re gutless!”

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Miller tried to turn on the sycophantic charm while ignoring the Cruz shaped elephant in the room. “It is time for everyone involved in this process to stand up,” he said. “Do right by country, do right by God, do right by their conscience, and stand for the principle of one citizen, one vote. You’ll have no argument and no quarrel from me on that, Lou. Not now, not ever.”

“Except for one thing... what I asked you about was Ted Cruz,” Dobbs said. “Why not put your arms around him and welcome him into the leadership?”

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Miller not only evaded the question, but also refused to kiss Cruz’s ass soundly enough for Dobbs’s liking.

Of course, Trump and Cruz have a cantankerous history stemming from 2016, when the two competed against each other in the Republican presidential primary. While Cruz has been happy to sing Trump’s praises—even after Trump suggested his wife was ugly—Trump has been reluctant to offer anything to Cruz beyond perfunctory praise as a fellow Republican. And as of Tuesday morning, Trump has not tweeted a single mention of Cruz’s selfless Supreme Court offer. Trump did, however, have time to tweet about how Georgia’s state government is full of RINOs.

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Best of luck to every cretin involved in this birdbrained segment, and here’s hoping we’ll be seeing less of them in 2021.

Staff writer, mint chocolate hater.

DISCUSSION

mydogisagenius
mydogisagenius

“You and I, we’re reasonably smart and decent fellows.”