Two People Who Will Never Be President Announce Plans to Try, Anyway

Former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina and famed neurosurgeon Ben Carson have both announced plans to waste unfathomable amounts of money on Presidential campaigns that are doomed to fail. Congratulations to both of them.

Carly Fiorina’s tenure as HP CEO was characterized by layoffs, outsourcing (she once forced employees who she planned to fire to train their foreign replacements) and general malaise. Fiorina’s political experience includes losing an election to Senator Barbara Boxer in 2010 and, more recently, failing to register the domain CarlyFiorina.org, where visitors interested in learning about her stance on issues are instead treated to a visualization of how many people lost their jobs under her management. (If you scroll for a a couple of minutes, you’ll eventually arrive at the bottom of the list of 30,000 sad emoticons.)

And now she wants to be President!

Meanwhile, in a magical land where prison turns men gay, is Ben Carson, a man who once said that Obamacare is worse than slavery. Carson is running for President on a platform that consists mostly of ¯_(ツ)_/¯. He has never run for public office. He was once played by Cuba Gooding, Jr. in a made-for-TV movie called Gifted Hands.

And now he wants to be President!

Fiorina and Carson join a field of approximately 4,800 Embarrassing Aunts and Uncles currently seeking the GOP Presidential nomination. Eventually, one of them will face the eventual Democratic nominee (at this point, either Hillary Clinton or Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders, a self-identified socialist with a wild wisp of white hair that rises from his scalp like smoke. So: Hillary Clinton).