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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

Twitter's Jack Dorsey Stepped Down. We Have Ideas Who Should Replace Him

After resigning on Monday, Dorsey was replaced by CTO Parag Agrawal. But we have better suggestions for who should take over the hellsite.

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It seems Jack Dorsey has finally heeded the advice of many who told him to “resign, bitch,” as CEO of Twitter.

On Monday, news broke that Dorsey would be stepping down and immediately replaced by Parag Agrawal, Twitter’s chief technology officer. The board unanimously voted in Agrawal, whom Dorsey said in a statement has the “skill, heart, and soul” to lead the company. The former CEO and founder of the site claimed he was moving away from Twitter because he believes “the company is ready to move on from its founders.”

Look, I’m a firm believer that Twitter is best left unused. Do I still have a chaotic Twitter presence? Yes, but that’s besides the point. Since Jack decided to not just pull the plug on the whole site prior to his departure, and it doesn’t look like Agrawal is going to do the same, we’ve collected a few names we’d like to throw into the hat of future Twitter CEO suggestions.

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Parag, if you realize Twitter is a bit soul-sucking and want to step down too, here’s who you might call:

Marianne Williamson

The self-help guru who ran for president on a platform of love, should definitely not be the president. What she should be is the CEO of Twitter, as we’d all probably happier with more spectacular bird content and mindless positivity on the godforsaken hellsite. — Laura Bassett

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Dionne Warwick’s niece (or whoever is doing her tweets)

This person will only weigh in on the important cultural moments, decades (or in the case of The Scarf, weeks) later, which means Twitter will definitely collapse within three weeks. Start looking for jobs, Twitter employees! — Caitlin Cruz

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Jaboukie Young-White

Yes, he may have lost his Twitter verified status last year, but it was for as noble a cause as any: He impersonated CNN to report that then-presidential candidate Joe Biden wasn’t dead, but had been MIA because “he just getting some dick. We’ve all been there.” The comedian and former Daily Show correspondent has long been wrapped up in a game of chicken of sorts with Twitter, at varying points impersonating and clowning on powerful institutions ranging from the FBI to Cats the movie. There’s no one more familiar with the ins and outs of not just Twitter culture, but — from personal experience — the platform’s varying content moderation and enforcement policies. He would be perfect for the role. — Kylie Cheung

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Perfume Genius

PG has perfected use of the platform. No arguing, no earnestness, just chihuahuas and non-sequiturs and promos for his excellent music. Most importantly of all, he’s already promised to remain pure. — Gabrielle Bruney

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Megan Reynolds

Twitter has its utility, but for the most part, the evil that Jack Dorsey created is now running unchecked. Now that the beard man has stepped down from his role as CEO of bad vibes, I’d say that I would be a suitable replacement. My first order of business would be pulling the plug on the entire operation for at least one financial quarter. Everyone who used the app could figure out if it’s doing anything good for them at all, and then, after this probationary period, we’d start anew. — Megan Reynolds