Turns Out Gwyneth Paltrow Is Human

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I was under the impression that Gwyneth Paltrow had replaced her human blood with $200 rose quartz facial cleanser and her human organs with an $85 bag of crystals. But it turns out she’s a living, breathing person who fears death and bodily decay, which makes her 1000 times more tolerable to me, a person who tends to fear death and bodily decay quite viscerally between the hours of 2 and 4 a.m. Gwyneth, we are so alike!


E News! reports Paltrow discussed some of her very real and human fears in an interview with Goop’s new podcast, “The Beauty Closet.” She said a couple cringe-y things about how she doesn’t see herself as a “beautiful woman” (OK Gwyneth), but had some good insight into what it feels like to age—particularly in the public eye—when you’re a person who’s spent so much time being praised for your beauty. Time comes for us all, even People’s Most Beautiful People, and it sounds like Paltrow has legitimately struggled with this.

Per E! News (emphasis mine):

“Well, you know, that’s sort of how I’ve been considered, not by everyone, but it’s a weird thing to be...I don’t mean in a pejorative way objectified, but sort of like cast as something and put in a box,” Paltrow says. “Then I think when you come to age, if you have this broad identity as that, what does it mean to get wrinkles and get closer to menopause? And all these things, and it’s like, what happens to your identity as a woman if you’re not f—kable and beautiful?”

...“Luckily, what’s happening at the same time in parallel...you just start to like yourself,” Paltrow shares.

The idea that women are unfuckable at any point is frustrating and stupid, and also generally bullshit. But if you spend your life being publicly praised for your beauty, I would imagine that you do have to come to terms with that identity changing in a more pronounced way, and with paparazzi ready to pounce, to boot. Paltrow’s not the first celebrity to voice this insecurity, but it is always nice to hear it from people you don’t necessarily expect—and not in a schadenfreude sort of way, but because so many women feel similarly, Sexiest Actresses Alive or not.

Then again, you can spend $140 on a hydrating facial serum and drink water from an $85 amethyst bottle and perhaps you’ll start to age backward. It’s science! Maybe! [E! News]

Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom went on a sexy vacation to Mallorca, Spain, and had a very nice time. Look how fun!


Everyone had a nice time! Love is grand! Bloom got a booboo, but he is just fine!


Thus ends this dispatch. [Page Six]

  • Selma Blair credits her friends (including Reese Witherspoon!) for helping her cope with MS. [CNN]
  • Tom Schwartz and Katie Maloney are MAKING IT OFFICIAL. [Page Six]
  • Errrrrr... [Page Six]
  • Oh, Bette Midler, no. [Page Six]
  • Hm, well, this is nice? [Page Six]
  • Now you can do a miserable diet like Beyoncé did, I guess. [Page Six]




I love Beyonce, but for this one thing, seriously, fuck Beyonce. Weighing 175 lbs isn’t “every woman’s nightmare”. I weigh more than that, and it’s certainly not a nightmare for me. It stings that she thinks it is. What *is* a nightmare is living in a world where women and girls are influenced by celebrities like Beyonce to think that they are not good enough, that their bodies are nightmares, and that they need to eat incredibly restrictive diets to starve themselves into acceptability.

I can sympathise with her feelings of not feeling in control of her body, but this is not the way to express that.