I’ve always wondered about the phrase “you only pay if we win” that is uttered repeatedly in commercials for attorneys who represent people who have been in a car accident or been diagnosed with mesothelioma. It just doesn’t make sense that one would contract a lawyer and simply because the opposing lawyer did a better job, the original lawyer wouldn’t be paid for all the research they did on mesothelioma. This logic, that of paying someone even if the result isn’t great, has apparently never crossed the barren plain that is Donald Trump’s mind as, according to CNN, Trump does not want to pay the legal fees for his lawyer, Rudy Giuliani.
Trump, who has been impeached for a second time, is reportedly lashing out at everyone around him and told aides to stop paying Giuliani’s legal fees probably because the lawyer has been, to use a legal term, fucking useless. Other than being a mouthpiece sounding off on news shows, Giuliani has fumbled through every Trump legal affair to such a degree that you’d think he got his law degree from the props department of Law and Order.
But is it really Giuliani’s fault that he can’t seem to get a single win for his client? Pretend for a moment that Giuliani is a competent lawyer and sane human being—although the mere thought will stretch anyone’s imagination to its limit, but stick with it for a moment. Even the best and brightest lawyer cannot protect a client who announces his crimes and criminal intentions on every social media platform and news program to which he has access.
From the very start, Giuliani’s been given the Sisyphean task of giving legal advice and representation to a creature who cannot fathom the thought of being wrong. It also doesn’t help that Giuliani himself is a racist dumbass who can’t operate Google Maps. He’s still entitled to his billable hours, though.