Tragic Figures Spencer & Heidi Give Tragic Interview About Tragic Lives

“Obviously I wish I didn’t do it,” Heidi Montag says in a sad, sad interview with the Daily Beast. “I would go back and not have any surgery. It doesn’t help. I got too caught up in Hollywood, being so into myself and my image. I don’t regret anything, but if I could go back, I wouldn’t do it.” Oh really?

Heidi and Spencer are master manipulators. They lied, faked, posed and weaseled their way into the spotlight, and now they are sorry, or something. As if we’re supposed to, suddenly, believe anything they say.

Kate Aurthur writes that the couple are “broke and living at Spencer’s parents’ beach house in Santa Barbara because of the free rent.”

“We never had any!” said Spencer in response to the money question. Meaning, it went out as quickly as it came in. Spencer estimated they spent $2 million on Heidi’s ill-fated pop-music career, hiring writers, producers, and engineers who worked with Rihanna, Nicki Minaj, and Lady Gaga. There were lots of clothes, too. “I probably spent a million dollars on suits and fancy clothes,” Spencer said. “My whole million-dollar wardrobe-I would never wear that again. They’re props. Everything we were doing, we were buying props. I bought a big blue monster truck just to drive it on The Hills for an episode. Never drove it again.”

Yeah, no. Don’t feel bad for you, bro. You knew exactly what you were doing, and it didn’t work out. Boo fucking hoo.

Heidi, on the other hand, just seems like an idiot. She’s been cut off from her family, but says: “I have Spencer and my puppies. That’s my support system.” And:

“I should have known growing up and not having any money ever that I should have kept every dollar that I had,” Heidi said. “I thought I was investing in myself and my brand. Like Kim.” As in Kardashian, who came up often during the interview. Heidi continued: “When she buys these clothes, she’s investing in herself. Because she is a big brand and is likeable. I thought I had that potential. My ego got too big. To think I could be someone like that when I was the most hated girl ever.”

This psuedo-self-awareness is too little, too late. And you have to wonder: Are they doing it again? Fooling us? Acting pathetic to generate interest and maybe a new reality show? Sorry, kids. We are not falling for your bullshit again. We don’t care and we never did.

And when Spencer — who at some point in his life was going to get a political science degree — says: “What real job — what political world — would want Spencer Pratt, with the stigma I’ve attached to my name?” We’ve got to answer: You could get lots of real jobs, you lazy egomaniac. If you really wanted to work, you could take orders at McDonald’s, wait tables, or volunteer for a good cause. If you tried to make something of yourself instead of living off of your parents, you just might counteract becoming a waste of space on earth. Pardon us while we go back to not giving a fuck about you.