Total Package Sues to Lower His Age by 20 Years so He Can Get More Dates on Tinder 

A horny Dutch man who is literally 69 years old is reportedly suing to lower the age on his birth certificate in the hopes that this will make it easier for him to get dates on Tinder. The dude has a lot of work to do on interpersonal relationships. I bet he’s good at swiping though.

Emile Ratelband, an entrepreneur and self-described self-help guru who voiced the character of Vladimir Trunkov in the Dutch-language version of Pixar’s Cars 2, told The Telegraph on Wednesday that he is actually 45, if you think about it: “I have done a [doctor’s] check-up and what does it show? My biological age is 45 years.” Ratelband was born in March of 1949. He took the additional utter trash step of comparing his plight to that of a trans person, a tiresome argument you may read about in The Telegraph should you wish.

This noxious case has actually gone to court in the city of Arnhem with a ruling expected in the next month.

“When I’m 69, I am limited,” complained Ratelband. On the contrary! At 69, you are a sex position and a meme. Your life is rich!