Zoolander 2, like many a garbage sequel, was destined to spiral into the abyss of bad movies whose reviews are much more entertaining than the movie itself, the type that allows critics to bathe in the pettiest of metaphors.
In short, there’s no need to waste money on this. As usual, critics are finding the grandest ways to say as much. With a headline that surmises, “Zoolander 2 is a very bad look,” USA Today dubs it a “wholly unnecessary sequel” weakened by “tired in-jokes, a strangely mean-spirited family subplot and a parade of forgettable cameos by A-list celebrities.”
The finest of these bad reviews, naturally, comes from The New York Times, where critic Stephen Holden goes beyond the call of duty to annihilate the movie’s star Ben Stiller, describing him as “a perfect case study in male insecurity”:
Depending on the role, the camera angle, the costume, and the hair and makeup, Mr. Stiller, 50, swings between polarities of trollishness and desirability. In some movies, he appears dwarfish and deformed with a head that’s too big for his body and empty space-alien eyes. He is of average height but looks shorter. And when bulked up, he appears hunched and musclebound. But when he fixes those baby blues on the camera and thrusts out his jaw to accentuate his cheekbones, he can pass as handsome: just barely.
Damn, son. Holden concludes:
The tepid satire is undercut by cameo appearances by fashion giants like Valentino, Marc Jacobs, Anna Wintour and Tommy Hilfiger. Because they are in on the joke, their very presence robs the movie of any remaining edge.
Elsewhere, Variety pegs Zoolander 2 as “a disappointment-slash-misfire, the orange mocha crappuccino of movie sequels” that’s “toothless and scattershot”: