Tooth Fairy Still a Major Cheapskate, Relatively Speaking

Illustration for article titled Tooth Fairy Still a Major Cheapskate, Relatively Speaking

First-world kids of America are reportedly only getting $3.19 from the “Tooth Fairy” for each tooth that falls out of their gross little mouth chambers—a paltry amount, made even paltrier by the fact that it’s down 24 cents from last year.

Visa conducted its sixth annual survey to find out how many Tooth Fairy moneybags kids in the U.S. are sitting on, and found that the dollar amounts are declining for the second year in a row.

According to Forbes:

Based on the latest data the average kid can expect to earn $64 of tooth income over the course of his or her career.

“The Tooth Fairy is finally fluttering back to earth,” observed Nat Sillin, Visa’s director of global financial education. Visa did not estimate the size of the total under-the-pillow market or how much it contributes to the U.S. economy but it is clear pearly whites are big business.


Indeed, $64 can still buy a good number of drugs. The report additionally concludes that less smart male Tooth Fairies (dads) are more generous with their offerings:

...Moms reported giving $2.87 on average while dads gave $3.63. Kids in the Northeast received $3.56 on average, more than any other region, with more than 25% receiving $5 or more. Southern fairies, on the other hand, gave the least at $3.07.

Kids can’t all be lucky enough to have Farrah Abraham as a mom. Either way, these tiny assholes should all be grateful they’re getting compensation for the natural phenomenon of a tooth falling out of their mouths and being replaced with an even bigger, cooler tooth, which will later disintegrate when they’re no longer young and beautiful. America.

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So I was going to give a toonie per tooth, but my kid swallowed her first one so I left a five as a first tooth bonus because I was feeling bad for her about having nothing to put under her pillow (I know, I’m a sucker). But it was supposed to be just the first tooth. Then she lost the next one at her grandparents house and they gave her five as well. Do I now owe five bucks for every tooth my kids are going to lose? What have I done?

I got 25 cents.