Today in Political Nincompoopery: Xenophobia And Eiffelphilia

Everyone in the Republican Presidential field has said so many dumb things by this point in the campaign that it now appears that divorce expert and seasoned condescentionist Newt Gingrich might have a fighting chance to win the nomination. One candidate apologized for taking a sip of beer during his wayward teen years. One thinks that gay marriage will lead to people marrying monuments. And another thinks that Muslims make terrible doctors. Who said what? Let’s find out!

Did you know that Herman Cain, America’s Pizza Princess, was almost subjected to the indignity of having a doctor who spoke English with a foreign accent? It’s true! Cain told a crowd at a Florida Holy Land-themed amusement park (this is actually a kind of great idea) the harrowing tale. Yahoo’s Chris Moody reports,

(Cain) did have a slight worry at one point during the chemotherapy process when he discovered that one of the surgeon’s name was “Dr. Abdallah.”

“I said to his physician assistant, I said, ‘That sounds foreign—not that I had anything against foreign doctors—but it sounded too foreign,” Cain tells the audience. “She said, ‘He’s from Lebanon.’ Oh, Lebanon! My mind immediately started thinking, wait a minute, maybe his religious persuasion is different than mine! She could see the look on my face and she said, ‘Don’t worry, Mr. Cain, he’s a Christian from Lebanon.'”

“Hallelujah!” Cain says. “Thank God!”

What does Herman Cain think is different between the anatomy of a Christian versus the anatomy of a Muslim? Does he think that Muslim doctors refuse to read medical textbooks and instead get all of their surgical instructions from the Qur’an and Osama bin Laden videos that they stream on special Arab Netflix? Does he think a jihad is going to be declared on his cholesterol intake? This is never explained.

Meanwhile, in the scrumdiddlyumptious land of whimsey located between Michele Bachmann‘s ears, the Minnesotan has decided to appoint Tamara Scott to serve as the co-chair of her Iowa campaign. Tamara Scott is best known for being a Concerned Woman who successfully helped oust three Iowa Supreme Court justices who supported gay marriage in the state. She’s also well known for saying that gay marriage will lead to polyamory and people literally marrying monuments. Sounds like someone’s got a raging crush on Mount Rushmore!

Two tips, Tamara: first, learn to pronounce something correctly before you knock it. Second, good try, but the loon is Minnesota’s state bird.

On to Mittens Romney, who would like to apologize to the American people for being an untamable hellion during his formative years. He tells People magazine, in an upcoming interview,

I tasted a beer and tried a cigarette once, as a wayward teenager, and never did it again.

This must have been back when he was trying to court the cool people vote.

But Noot Gingrich, surprising contender and favorite of The Olds isn’t immune from the infection that’s caught the rest of his fellow candidates. At a rally last week, he compared American families and the feelings we’re capable of having for each other to the non-feelings of foreigners.

I think what makes us different, and what makes us in some ways, when we have good leadership, much more ruthless and much tougher than any other country in world, is we don’t send soldiers and sailors and marines and airmen to war. We send our children. We send our fathers. We send our brothers and sisters. We send our mothers. And therefore there’s a preciousness to this decision unlike any other country I know of.

The Atlantic helpfully points out that this kind of sounds like Newt Gingrich doesn’t think that other countries haven’t yet learned how to love. If only we could teach them, with guns.

And there you have it. If you haven’t gotten your fill, you can see all these people at the 5,124th Republican debate tonight.