To the Space Junk Hurtling Towards New Jersey, I Say Bring It On Bitch

It has come to my attention that there is space junk hurtling towards New Jersey, news that came to me Wednesday via this startling tweet from astrologist Susan Miller.

Knowing Miller’s talents for identifying what signs will be buying new furniture in the coming months (apparently Tauruses) and who will be meeting their soulmates soon (probably Virgos), I knew her psychic space junk analysis must be true as well, especially since she’s tweeting this news far too late, on the literal day it might be happening, which is her signature move for delivering any relevant news.

Indeed, space junk is coming for Jersey, my beloved home state. The junk in question, NJ.com reports, being parts from a 9.4 ton Chinese space station that’s been orbiting “uncontrolled” since 2016. And even though the article assures readers that the chances of the debris actually hitting a person are “about 1 million times smaller than the odds of winning the Powerball jackpot,” I have one thing to say to this junk: bring it on bitch.

I’m not afraid of the space junk. I’m not afraid because, frankly, I’m not sure the space junk is really aware of what it’s dealing with when it comes for New Jersey. The people of New Jersey are just living their lives, desperately waiting for it to finally be warm enough to eat Rita’s, and this space junk thinks it can fall on Jersey and disrespect us like this, in front of the whole country, in front of the whole world. Seriously, what does this fuckING SHINY ASS SPACE JUNK THINK IT IS? LIKE BECAUSE IT’S FROM OUTER SPACE IT’S BETTER THAN US? IT THINKS IT CAN CAN JUST WALTZ RIGHT INTO NEW JERSEY AND WE’LL ACCEPT IT WITH OPEN ARMS? I’M DONE WITH THIS SPACE JUNK. I’M DONE.