“Timothy”
Photo: Christopher Polk (Getty Images)

He can be your hero, baby / He can kiss away the pain

Timothée Chalamet—who we’re all in love with after Call Me By Your Name and Ladybird, but not so much after he allegedly made up a contractural obligation to justify his silence on Woody Allen—got caught smooching a real life person over the weekend! Cannes you even believe it?

Chalamet, whose first name is definitely pronounced “Timothy,” was seen “locking lips” “several times” with a “20-something blond mystery woman,” Page Six reports, on Friday at the Cannes Film Festival where he is currently promoting a new drama literally titled Beautiful Boy. (As a side note, I’m very excited to bring my short, Sardonic Blogger, to the festival in 2020. Keep an eye out.)

A “spy” “breathlessly” told the celeb gossip mag, “It wasn’t just a kiss. It was a full-blown, high-school-style make out session in front of everyone.” Another source (re: not a spy) said when they “weren’t smooching, they were holding hands. They either weren’t trying to hide, or were so in the moment, they didn’t care.” Romance!

Apparently the venue where the alleged make out sesh went down was supes remote and therefore supes chic, but not exclusive enough to get a current A-list musical act to perform, or whatever, because Enrique Iglesias was the guest and that’s fucking hilarious. Imagine it with me: Here’s Timmy, eating face at a fancy French private party while Iglesias belts out “Hero.” Do you think they got lost in the rhythm? Can you feel the heat of passion?