As of yesterday, everything in the Paris metropolitan area seemed so simple, or at least as simple as everything can seem in the Paris metropolitan area when there is a tiger on the loose. But as of today, this sightseeing road tiger has been revealed to be not a tiger but rather a dark and pressing mystery.

"The presence of an animal of the tiger species is now ruled out," said local authorities, contradicting the Seine-et-Marne deputy police chief's statement yesterday, which was "It's a tiger, for sure." The police and fire departments have been securing children in their schools and homes and searching the town with tranquilizer guns and a helicopter, but now, because the tiger is no longer a tiger, the threat level for the area has been "downgraded."

Counterpoint: the threat level should be upgraded, as there is nothing more dangerous than the unknown.

Further question: like, WHAT IS IT?

The animal trying desperately to get into EuroDisney could be any of the following:


ā€¢ A lynx

ā€¢ A tabby cat exposed to radiation

ā€¢ A tiger in a lynx suit

ā€¢ A bear that sort of looks like a tiger

ā€¢ My dog on a nice French vacation

ā€¢ The ghost of an ancient Chinese peasant once killed by a tiger, now malformed into a supernatural being known as "Chang"


ā€¢ One of these situations

ā€¢ Aslan

ā€¢ Garfield

ā€¢ The Second Coming

ā€¢ One of the Dames blanches, folkloric French supernatural beings who lurk in ravines trying to attract notice from the public


ā€¢ Your mom in a catsuit

ā€¢ ME (who can prove it's not)

ā€¢ The physical embodiment of the collectively repressed sins of the quiet French town of Montevrain


ā€¢ A common ghost

ā€¢ A tiger after all

Who knows?

We will stay abreast of this shuddering mystery as it continues to develop.

Image via Getty.