At Least the Red Wave That Wasn’t Won’t Affect Tiffany Trump’s Wedding

Following midterm results, which revealed that the predicted “red wave” was, in fact, little more than a trickle, Hurricane Nicole has officially made landfall in DeSantis-land and is hurtling toward Palm Beach, where Tiffany Trump’s lavish Mar-a-Lago nuptials are to be held this weekend. Per Page Six, she’s “flipping out.” Alanis Morissette, I think, said it best: “And isn’t it ironic…don’t you think?”

If weather reports—not the ones published daily on Marla Maples’ Instagram—are accurate, it appears the daughter former President Donald Trump doesn’t want to fuck will have a little more than rain on her wedding day due to the category 1 tropical storm. The resort, which is located within a mandatory evacuation zone, has been closed, according to the Washington Post. Despite this, an adviser told the newspaper that Trump has no intention of leaving. It’s unclear whether the closure prompted a dismissal of resort personnel, but a Mar-a-Lago’s security office hung up on an Associated Press reporter who called to ask.

Page Six, on the other hand, reported otherwise: “They’ve sent staff home,” a source told the tabloid. “Tiffany is still there. Some guests came in for the week, and they had all these things planned. It was going to be a whole over-the-top thing. They had to cancel events today and canceled a golf outing for tomorrow. Everyone is stuck inside.”

“Friday is supposed to be a welcome dinner and they aren’t sure it’s going to happen…Tiffany is flipping out,” the source added. No over-the-top thing?! *gasp* No golf?! *cardiac arrest* Meanwhile, it’s still yet to be confirmed whether or not Mar-a-Lago staffers—who are overwhelmingly marginalized and criminally underpaid people—have actually have been evacuated in the dangerous conditions. (Given this family’s penchant for mimicking cartoon villains, methinks not) After all, who would be there to flush any remaining incriminating documents down the toilets and talk the bride through her daddy issues?

It’s also worth noting that, on Wednesday, Palm Beach International Airport closed and canceled all flights, meaning some of the 500 expected guests flying in from far-flung places are likely not to arrive—unless, that is, they’re calling in connections and flying private. The forgotten daughter is betrothed to billionaire heir Michael Boulos, whose daddy’s money supplied her with a $1.2 million engagement ring, so it’s likely any out-of-state attendees will just make like Epstein and get there on their own, free Delta snacks and drinks be damned! Miranda Priestly, anyone?

At best, it will be windy and rainy; at worst, guests and staff will face potential danger—but despite all that, it looks like Tiff’s “big moment” is still on for now. If a few people suffer bodily harm to manifest her vision, well, what else is new for these vile ingrates?

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