There’s a lot of conjecture inherent in the discourse surrounding dick size. Is bigger better? Is smaller more manageable? What about a curve? And then those categories get even further broken down. Is bigger a question of length or girth, and is longer better than wider? What are the appropriate metrics here? There’s a lot to consider! It’s a topic of conversation so pervasive and necessary that even science has gotten involved, and honestly science wasn’t any help at all here.
Personally, as someone who is famously and unfortunately attracted to men, I do have some experiences with penises, which have led me to draw my own conclusion. That being this: big dicks are very fun to play with but the smaller ones are those that I’m taking home and making soup for while we watch My Best Friend’s Wedding.
If I wanted to set up a mini obstacle course for an imaginary finger skateboard collection I don’t have, or perhaps play jump rope with the Polly Pocket I do have, sure, a big dick is definitely what the occasion calls for. Otherwise, I’m perfectly fine with a penis of unremarkable size, and I’m glad to know I’m not alone. Tiffany Haddish, who was just on Jada Pinkett Smith’s Red Table Talk, agrees!
I prefer small penises because I feel like small ones respect you. They’re kind. They buy you nice gifts. They take you nice places. They’ll come and clean your house; fix your cars for you. Small penises are penises of service. Big penises just do whatever they want to do.
Small penises! Are penises! Of service! I would very much like to have that printed on a t-shirt so that I could wear to the next gathering I’m able to attend, or at the very least to my next Zoom happy hour.
Now, I want to quickly interject here that I’m sure there are big dicks that are also very respectful and kind, and ones will maybe even buy you a gift or take you somewhere nice. I’ve yet to find one, but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist! I also don’t intend to look for one, partly because I’m social distancing, and mostly because, as I’ve alluded to, small dicks have never let me down and at this point, I don’t feel the need to broaden my horizons, so to speak.
Thank you, Tiffany, for preaching the gospel of the small penis, and thank you small penises everywhere for your service! [Page Six]
If you’ve ever wanted to own a dress that Gwyneth Paltrow once wore to the Oscars in the hopes that no one would pay attention to her, now’s your chance!
Goop herself is currently auctioning off the silver Calvin Klein dress she wore to the 2000 Oscars as part of the #AllInChallenge, wherein athletes and celebrities are auctioning off items and experiences in support of a variety of organizations that combat food insecurity.
On the one hand, this is very nice! On the other, I do wish, rather than rich people incentivizing what are ostensibly other only-slightly-less-rich people to buy things from them, they would all just give money and keep their clothes or donate them somewhere. Especially when they are clothes they didn’t like in the first place. That doesn’t seem very inspiring!
In 2013 Paltrow said of her auction item that it’s an “okay dress but not Oscars material. I chose it because I wanted to disappear that year.” If that doesn’t make you want to take out your wallet, I don’t know what will.
For what it’s worth, I think it’s a perfectly fine dress, which I would honestly love to wear to a cocktail party or around my apartment just for fun, but, again, parting ways with something you didn’t want in the first place doesn’t really scream spend money on this valuable thing because I care about the cause, now does it? [Just Jared]
RIP Kitty Purry.