This Weekend, Pour One Out For America's Now-Flaccid Financiers

Despite a housing crisis forcing millions of Americans from their homes and a banking crisis that has ruined the savings and jobs of millions more, there are worse tragedies seen on Wall Street every day.

Those tragedies? According to Details, they would be the now flaccid penises of all the financiers who can’t get laid now that they’ve ruined everyone’s lives, the economy, and their own bonuses. I mean, once upon a time, they could get bottle service at bars, surrounded by gold-digging men and women all but clawing open their pants for a chance to fuck in an actual penthouse apartment and maybe walk away with a Tiffany bracelet. But now the jig, for many financiers, is up. They don’t have money, they don’t have likable personalities, they’re not necessarily physically attractive and their jobs are worth shit, so most superficially-inclined sex partners — except for model Sabrina Roberts, who just wants her champagne — won’t give their dicks even a cursory hand job before looking off the greener pastures, where ever they might be.

Oh, woe is the lonesome trader’s cock, that once had model after model astride it, humping her way to a fake orgasm for the sake of a bottle of French champagne and a bracelet. Now, he’s just got to masturbate like the peons. Who even does that anymore?

Can You Still Afford To Be A Player [Details]
Bash Compactor: Getting Laid Off Is Still Getting Laid [New York Press]