Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we fill up an Olympic-sized pool with clippings about Taylor Swift being revealed as a liar and do laps for hours and hours until our bodies are unable to do one more breast stroke and we sink to the bottom and become the first person in history to drown in glossy paper.
This week, Taylor is a “LIAR,” Gwen Stefani is pregnant “with two girls,” and the romance between Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx is OFF!
Let’s get this horrible party started.
I rarely start with In Touch, but this week’s cover was so delicious that I had to rip it open first. Just look at the headline! People usually need licenses to print fonts that big. It truly makes me want to put the “Bad Blood” video up on my TV screen and throw a box of chocolates at it while screaming, “LIAR!” in my best Reese Witherspoon voice. (I have a good one!) Anyway, let’s see what they have to say about our favorite snake emoji.
“STARS TURN AGAINST TAYLOR,” the headline screams, and those stars allegedly include Kimye, Adam “Calvin Harris” Wiles, Katy Perry, Demi Lovato, and John Mayer. That cast of characters (which would easily make up the most irritating table at any wedding) are capable of making life a “nightmare” for Swift by revealing all the “work” she’s had done and exposing the “horrible stuff” she’s said about people—beyond every other song on her first five albums.
Moving on, Gwen Stefani’s facing “the biggest crisis of her career,” and Blake Shelton is right there, shotgunning Coors and providing a slightly wobbly pillar for her to lean on. Stefani was apparently “devastated that people didn’t show up” to her July 12 “tour kickoff” in Massachusetts. Live Nation apparently moved all the ticket holders up to the front to make the show look filled, but the [alleged] truth is that she “cut the price” of tickets to prices as low as $12.95 in a desperate attempt to fill the amphitheater. Fortunately, “Blake will do anything to protect Gwen” and has been “her rock through all of this.” Here’s a quick look at Blake as a rock:
- Khloe wants Lamar to get help before he dies. :\
- Scott Disick has been fired from KUWTK.
- The mother of Nick Young’s baby is threatening to name her new daughter “Iggy.”
- Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are just fine.
- Ellen and Portia are just about finished.
Grade: B (Tabloids start referring to you with this: 🐕.)
While In Touch is claiming Gwen and Blake have been privately performing the world’s saddest duet of “Lean On Me” over and over again for the past few weeks, OK! has decided to publish a much happier version of their current life together. They even go as far beginning with, “More good news for Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton!” See? They’re fine! It’s nothing but happy trails for these two, our country’s sexiest and most inspiring beacon of blindingly white heterosexual romantic love outside of Donald and Melania Trump. Gwen is pregnant with two girls! The magazine refers to this development as a “miracle,” which makes sense, as the fact that any of Shelton’s sperm could make it all the way to an egg without falling asleep halfway down the fallopian tube in the middle of a burp-filled performance of “There’s a Tear In My Beer” is indeed a miraculous event. You know what else is a miracle? The OK! caption that reads, “[NOT] JUST A GIRL!”
Oh god, I’m in heaven because there’s a long feature in this issue called Personal Assistants Tell All, so let’s get right to it.
- Christina Aguilera rips out her hair extensions in public and forces her assistants to pick them up. I feel like I knew this, but can’t quite figure out why.
- Lady Gaga forced assistants to sleep in the same bed as her so they could be readily available for tasks like “operating her streaming services.” I’m imagining her screaming, “No no, pick something from ‘Watch It Again.’ I love ‘Watch It Again.’”
- Christian Bale once asked an assistant to “eliminate” a fan, and detailed a method of killing them with a screwdriver. Thank god I’m not a fan!
- Brad Pitt draws poop on everything. Again, why did I know this already?
- Julia Roberts puts on her Pretty Woman “streetwalking outfit” once a year “or so” for her husband. They don’t have sex afterwards, she just screams, “LOOK AT ME!!!! LOOK AT ME!!!!!!!! LOOK AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
- Gwyneth Paltrow had a “meltdown” at Newark Airport “in early July” because Moses was “being rude.” To be fair, I have had several meltdowns at that airport.
- Sandra Bullock is “uncomfortable” with Amal and George Clooney’s relationship.
- Amy Schumer can’t sell out comedy shows.
- Jordan Rodgers is bad news for JoJo, according to sources.
Grade: D- (Tabloids start referring to you with this: 🐷.)
Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx are NOT getting married, either because their three-year romance has run its course or because they’ve never actually met.
If you’ll recall, this relationship was originally based on a single grainy photo of what looks like the two of them holding hands, so it’s no surprise that this news is based on a single grainy photo of what looks like Foxx holding hands with another woman who looks nothing like Holmes.
After Katie found out, a source says she was “shocked and blindsided.” I assume the conversation went something like this:
ASSISTANT: Katie, I have to show you a picture.
KATIE: Of what?
ASSISTANT: I think you should sit down.
KATIE: Oh no. Just show me!
ASSISTANT: OK, but you should know—
KATIE: Just show me, damn it!
KATIE: (after several seconds of silence) Who the fuck are these people?
ASSISTANT: That’s Jamie and some random blonde. I’m so sorry you had to find out like this.
KATIE: Jamie who?
KATIE: Jamie Foxx? The actor?
ASSISTANT: Well, he sort of sings too, but yes.
KATIE: Is that his girlfriend?
ASSISTANT: I’m afraid that’s what it looks like.
KATIE: And you’re showing me this why?
ASSISTANT: I’m not...exactly...sure...anymore.
KATIE: OK, well go grab Suri. Tom’s almost here for his weekly visit.
- The 2 girls from 2 Broke Girls might actually be broke soon.
- Amanda Bynes is “far from well.”
- Ariel Winter may have been fired from Modern Family in order to “satisfy the salary requirements of Sofia Vergara, Ed O’Neil, and Julie Bowen.”
- Matt Damon might secretly be fucking Alicia Vikander.
- Blake and Gwen will have a prenup because they’re not always dummies.
Grade: F (Tabloids start referring to you with this: ⚰..)