This Week In Tabloids: The Property Brothers Prove That Even Failed Magicians Can Find Success on Reality TV

Welcome to Jezebel’s Midweek Madness, where local menace Joan Summers has set up shop at a Hamptons yacht club. Desperate for a scoop, I’ve disguised myself as Irina Von Irina. She’s an enigmatic socialite with a penchant for beach frocks, chunky jewelry, and curling irons.

Let’s dive in.

In Touch:

I’m sure you really want to know about Gwen Stefani’s “miracle baby”—I don’t! Not when the menaces at American Media have given us the most wonderful cover spread of the summer: “Hollywood’s Most Annoying Stars!” (The fact that all of them are women is an absolutely motivated “choice.”) Let’s dig in!

• Kelly Ripa: The accusations against the daytime host are immense. According to apathetic television consumers, she once admitted she was “going to parade around” her house naked, taking care to lounge on every surface. Commenters were quick to beg her: “Just stop!”
• Farrah Abraham: The Playboy columnist and book critic once described herself as a “hardworking business mogul and amazing mother who holds herself with respect and goes above and beyond what’s asked.” Sounds like an actual nightmare!
• Kate Gosselin: Not only did this “vicious” reality television star “emasculate” her bartending ex-husband, “fame clearly went to her head quickly.” I’m sure there are various, completely accurate descriptions of the Kate Plus 8 star that don’t rest on an outdated concept of a wife’s place in the household!
• Kris Jenner: “Whether she’s hawking pads for bladder leakage or encouraging daughter Kim during a half-naked selfie shoot, the most famous momager on Earth has no shame.” Due to my current treaties with the Fit Tea Federation after our months-long war—consider my mouth firmly shut!
• Tori Spelling & Dean McDermott: They’re in love, he has a podcast, and she hawks toothpaste on Instagram.
• Goop: “While she aims to help women live their best lives, the tone-deaf star foten seems to forget that most people aren’t super rich celebrities.” (Personally, the wig she wore in Avengers: Endgame was her greatest crime. Not everyone agrees!)
• Gisele Bundchen: Remember when she called pregnant women who gain weight “garbage disposals?” I do!

Regarding allegations that Christina Aguilera was seen drinking and “packing on the pounds” during a Lake Como vacation—mind your fucking business. I’m also told that Annette Roque, Matt Lauer’s ex-wife, is currently shopping for ghostwriters. Annette, there’s one currently suing former Housewife Kim Richards that could use the work! Joy Behar is fending off gossip that her monthslong recovery from a “cataract surgery” was actually a smokescreen for an eye lift. Who cares! Val Kilmer could use a friend, everyone is claiming that Ryan Gosling and Eva Longoria were “secretly married, and Below Deck: Meditteranean star Captain Sandy’s “guilty pleasure” is cake.

Elsewhere, Regina King absolutely wore it better while Riverdale spokeswoman Lili Reinhart continued denying her recent breakup in a Ralph Lauren slip dress. Kaia Gerber’s cage match with Kendall Jenner ended in a tie. Occasionally famous Brody Jenner is still feuding with the unfortunately infamous Caitlyn Jenner. Jenna Dewan impersonator Jessie J’s boyfriend Channing Tatum claimed his astrology applications are reporting him to the CIA. Kesha went brunette. John Mayer wants you to google him.

Let’s end with some sponsored paparazzi shots, where celebrities eat branded appetizers when their agent stops returning their calls!

• Lil Wayne celebrated the American Eagle x Young Money Collaboration in NYC.
• Usher performed at the 14th Annual Feinstein Institute Summer Concert Series Produced by Celebrity Event Planner Larry Scott at Old Westbury Gardens.
• “Joe Jonas enjoyed a custom Coors Light.”
• Rachel Bilson “stayed caffeinated with a La Colombe Triple Draft Latte while walking her dog.”
• Food God threatened the people of Texas with an oversized ice cream sandwich provided by the Nestle Toll House Café.
• Guy Fieri was allegedly paid by the progenitors of National Hot Dog Day to pose with a weiner.

As for this week’s blind—my transmisogyny senses are tingling. Enjoy!

“Move over, Caitlyn Jenner. We’re hearing a popular news personality has decided to transition. The executives at the network are thrilled because they know it will bring in huge ratings. They’ve even asked the journalist to break the news himself!”

Ok!:

Unfortunately, the Property Brothers alleged tell-all does not include a finely detailed account of their brief tenure as failed magicians and pranksters. Upsetting! I am informed that they made over $500 million in 2018 as a way to overcome the trauma of failing at wizardry. Their latest ventures include QVC furniture, children’s books, and a branded app featuring two men that are much more chiseled than their real world counterparts. I’ve also found that the summer slump has given rise to a proliferation of “miracle baby” narratives. I’m bored by it! There are also claims Princess Beatrice, noted royal somebody, is possibly engaged! (Did you know her mother is also a Fergie?) Rumors are swirling that Bella Hadid is feuding with on-and-off again boyfriend Abel Tesfaye. Some Stranger Things co-stars are “unenthusiastic” about their relationship. Despite the alleged sex therapy sessions, Ok! now claims that Nicole Kidman has turned to Hugh Jackman for marriage advice. In the worst news of the week—Kris Jenner is negotiating for ten more seasons of the Kardashian’s long-running reality show. Yikes!

Meanwhile: Emily Blunt wore an Elie Saab frock again. Lady Kitty Spencer, refusing to read the room, donned a widely-maligned Dolce & Gabbana dress. Becky G wore is better, Cassie Randolph did not, and Anne Hathaway accessorized with an Armani umbrella. At the Build Brunch, Luann De Lesseps’ “slammed” Bethenny Frankel. Gigi Hadid was seen in costume as a Michael Kors billboard. Irina Shayk, my hero, pushed a stroller while juggling a $3000 Louis Vuitton mini-bag. Giada De Laurentiis threw a baseball, Hilary Duff sported a high ponytail, and Brad Pitt revealed plans to record a Christmas Album.

Let’s round this lackluster issue out by checking on a heartwarming feature about famous children!

• Heidi Klum’s children with Seal are “not stage kids,” even if a few of them “have such a beautiful voice.”
• Jessica Alba’s daughters with Cash Warren are “amazing big sisters” to their baby brother.
• “Everything” David and Victoria Beckham’s youngest daughter does “amazes” them.
• Miranda Kerr’s son with Orlando Bloom is doing just fine now that she married the Snapchat founder and found a stepmom in Kathryn Hudson.
• Original Flavor Jessie J-Jenna Dewan and Channing Tatum’s daughter has “developed a passion for fashion.”
• Courtney Cox and David Arquette’s daughter is “just your typical teenager.”
• Joel Madden and Nicole Richie’s daughter likes glitter, liquid liner, and lipstick.
• Britney Spears’ two sons with Kevin Federline are now taller than she is.

Us Weekly:

Considering the bleak celebrity gossip circuit, let’s end with the pinnacle of tabloid journalism and its many, many recurring features. Let’s get into it!

Loose Talk:

There is an Us Weekly intern whose sole job is scouring Instagram and reading celebrity tweets. It’s also the section that’s kept Dax Shepard employed for over a decade. (Thanks to Loose Talk, I’ve never seen an episode of James Corden’s late night show but could quote it word for word!)

• Joel McHale admitted that he’s regularly mistaken for Ryan Seacrest.
• Julia Roberts claimed to be in “good company” after getting snubbed of an Emmy nomination.
• Laura Dern’s synopsis of Big Little Lies latest season? Meryl Streep (and her wig) wanted in on the group chat!
• Dr. Phil: “They call me ranch cause I be dressing.”

Hot Pics

Having aggregated thousands of photos on their dot com, Us Weekly prints those with the largest cache in their print magazine. Usual tropes include: parenting, anyone named Jennifer, men holding babies, and Selena Gomez.

• A royal baby had a birthday party.
• Tom Holland drank beer with an enigmatic blonde.
• Miranda Lambert wore fringe.
• Gwen Stefani, in a kaftan, broke out laughing while performing at the California Mid-State Fair.
• Wendy Williams was seen wearing a Party City tiara.
• Ricky Martin, an icon, protested Puerto Rican president Ricardo Rosello after his misogynistic and homophobic texts were leaked in the press.
• Natalie Portman held a hammer at Comic Con.
• Paris Hilton struggled through a high note at the Tomorrowland festival in Belgium.
• Derek Hough took a selfie.

They’re Just Like Us!

This is the “comedy corner,” where Us Weekly brings in a stand-up from the local Comedy Shack and tasks them with the incredible feat of making jokes about famouses.

• “They walk their dogs!”
• “They eat cones!”
• “They go to flea markets!”
• “They protect their skin!”
• “They take selfies!”

What’s In My Bag

A staple feature in Us Weekly’s arsenal, What’s In My Bag is usually an innocuous outlet for celebrities to breed relatability, shill their sponsored products, or grab the attention of the Daily Mail news circuit. Here’s what in Dascha Polanco’s Madewell tote.

• “A Russian lady told me once that red is good luck and brings more money. So I have a red Fendi wallet and another one from Louis Vuitton.”
• She never leaves the house without disposable flip-flops.
• A surprising amount of “natural deodorant” fits in her rust-colored sack.
• “I love Bed Bath & Beyond, so I have their discount card.”

25 Things You Don’t Know About Me (With Vanessa Williams)

The name speaks for itself!

• 2. Her favorite book? Hop on Pop by Dr. Seuss.
• 3. Friends call her Ness and her dad called her Thumper.
• 6. Her biggest splurge was a Maserati GT.
• 9. “My worst personality trait is being impatient. I want what I want when I want it, which is now!”
• 12. She plays the fucking French horn.
• 13. “Success is the best revenge.”
• 14. She has no guilty pleasures.
• 15. Fans once rocked her limo during a 1988 promotional appearance for The Right Stuff.
• 21. She couldn’t live without flip-flops.
• 22. Unfortunately, she listens to Howard Stern every day of her life.

And that’s it—that’s literally the entire magazine. Enjoy this week’s collage!