This Week In Tabloids: The Jolie-Pitt Kids Swear, Drink & Drive

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Margaret and I bask in sunny rays of gossip. This week: The Jolie-Pitt kids curse in French; Katie wanders Prague saddened by Scientology; Jennifer Grey is awesome; Rachel Zoe is pregnant.

Ok!
“Losing Her Baby.”
Amber from Teen Mom will be interviewed by child protective services next week, and since she has been seen on TV hitting her boyfriend, a source says, “I’m sure she’s freaking out over the possibility that she could lose her baby.” The story that should have been on the cover is an exclusive with Mario Lopez and his new baby. As Margaret points out, the one thing Ok! does well is exclusive wedding and baby shit. Plus, there’s a really nice shot of Mario holding his daughter Gia (see image 7) that would have made a really nice cover! What American lady standing in a checkout line at the supermarket wouldn’t pick up the issue with shirtless Slater holding a cute baby? That right there is magazine gold. The only way this ovary-bursting goodness could be improved would be to replace that baby with an orphaned fennec fox. Anyway. There are tender kissy pictures inside, and pictures of the nursery (which was inspired by J. Lo’s nursery. No, really) and Margaret says, “It didn’t make me barf.” Lastly, in a feature called “The Big Debate,” which is red, white and blue, like a political commentary page, two psychotherapists with conflicting opinions weight in on who is to blame for Lindsay’s problems — Dina or Michael? (see image 8).
Grade: D- (hail)

Life & Style
“Out-Of-Control Monster!”
If you think calling the Teen Mom a monster is bad, here are some of the headlines on the stories and sidebars inside: “The Worst mother On TV.” “Amber’s House Is A Terrible Place To Raise A Child.” “She’s Even Worse Than Kate Gosselin.” And, of course: “Why The Other Moms Hate Her.” In the copy, the mag states: “At this point it’s hard to believe Amber Portwood could do a worse job at being a mother.” And! She is called “a disgraceful parent.” But the only thing new in the story — that hasn’t been on Teen Mom — is that Amber was seeing other guys when she was with Gary, her baby’s father. A source says she even snuck a guy out a window so Gary wouldn’t find out. Next: Suri Cruise went to Sephora in Toronto and picked out and bought more than $1300 worth of products. Mom Katie Holmes paid. Rihanna is accused of “loving junk food,” because at a video shoot, she wanted Pepsi, Red Bull, Cheetos, Golden Grahams, Oreos and bottles of red wine and Grey Goose vodka in her dressing room. The mag claims that this “backstage banquet” was 15,000 calories, but ignores the fact that there were probably 15 people — managers, PR folks, stylist, hair and makeup teams — in the dressing room with RiRi. Moving on: Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale “snubbed” Brad and Angelina by not inviting them to their joint birthday party on October 10. Christina Aguilera and Jordan, Heidi and Seal, Tobey Maguire and his wife and Portia and Ellen were invited. Kendra has left Hank— she’s moving to L.A. Hank is in Minnesota, but Kendra doesn’t want to live there.
Grade: D (drenching rain)

In Touch
“The Nanny Tells All!”
The sensationalist cover lines are pretty hilarious: “Lets Maddox drive a car and drink wine.” At the same time?!?! “The kids swear in French & watch R-rated movies.” Who doesn’t? Anyway: What you find reading the story, of course, is that an unnamed nanny reports that Maddox was allowed to steer a car — on private property in France. Also, he once had a sip of wine that his mom was drinking. Brad has collections of valuable artwork, that the kids touch with their greasy hands after they eat chips and ice cream. When they watch R-rated movies, “Angelina lets them repeat the salty dialogue. She thinks it’s funny when Maddox curses.” And! “Learning French has afforded Maddox and his siblings the ability to swear in a foreign language.” Are we supposed to be outraged by this? Because it sounds awesome. Zahara was seen stroking a bodyguard’s face “like he was a pet cat.” But Zahara was also overheard screaming “merde!” at one of her bodyguards while playing in the pool. “In many ways, all of the kids are acting out beyond their years,” claims the mag. “For example, at just six years old, Pax already has a ‘girlfriend’ whom he holds hands with at school.” Lea Michel is working on a perfume deal — it’ll be a signature fragrance marketed toward teenage girls. Though the cover claims “Exclusive pics of David and his new woman,” inside there’s a picture of David Arquette and a picture of Jasmine Waltz, but they are not in a picture TOGETHER. Lastly: We present this Pepto-Bismol pink cupcake confection without comment (see image image 9).
Grade: D (drizzle)

Star
“Tom & Katie Broken Home.”
Katie ran off the set of her new movie, after getting a “distressing phone call” from Tom’s sister. We don’t know what the call was about, however. Katie visited Tom in Prague on the set of the new Mission Impossible, and wanted to spend a relaxing night in the hotel, but Tom insisted they go to dinner with some Scientology “big wigs.” They slept in separate rooms that night. DUN DUN DUN. They had another fight later, about her not wanting to try and have a second baby. Tom accused Katie of reneging on her marriage contract. Katie reminded Tom that he’d promised her a movie deal. He snapped that her acting wasn’t good enough! Then she stormed off and walked the streets of Prague alone. She’s unhappy, but she doesn’t want to do anything rash — she’s afraid Tom will somehow end up with custody of Suri. Hey — did you know that Emma Stone and Keiran Culkin are dating? They are. Colin Farrell has broken up with the mother of his one year old son — and was spotted making out with Agyness Deyn at Bungalow 8 in New York. Star‘s Michael Douglas deathwatch continues; the new news is that he has changed his will and is making sure Catherine Zeta-Jones, his kids, and his ex-wife all get some money. Rage-inducing item of the day: The kid from Two And A Half Men will make $15 million over the next two seasons. $300,000 per episode and a signing bonus. No other child star makes that much — Miley Cyrus was only making $15,000 per episode of Hannah Montana. Rachel Zoe: Pregnant. A source says it was really hard for her to get knocked up, so she won’t announce anything until she is four months along. But for once, we’re sorta almost maybe convinced when a mag uses an arrow and the word “bump” (see image 10). Did Farrah from Teen Mom get a boob job? She was seen going into a plastic surgery clinic — and coming out 15 days later. Lastly: Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson will live together while shooting Breaking Dawn. The better to chew on your placenta, my dear!
Grade: D+ (overcast)

Us
“My Second Chance.”
If you liked Dirty Dancing as much as the next girl, and have been wondering what’s up with Jennifer Grey, this interview is pretty great. Back in 1987, when she was engaged to Matthew Broderick, they were involved in a car crash which killed two people. Grey was also engaged to Johnny Depp at some point, and has suffered excruciating neck pain and thyroid cancer. “I’m a warrior,” she says. Also: “I blew out the candles as a single person on my 40th birthday, but I never gave up.” She is now married to Clark Gregg, who was on West Wing and The Adventures Of Old Christine. She was reluctant to do Dancing With The Stars at first, because of Dirty Dancing: “I didn’t want someone to compare me now to my 28-year-old self. In the movies, they’re going to shoot it and edit it until you look flawless. That’s very different than dancing in front of a live audience.” She also says: “I hate my neck, not just because of the scars, but because I’m older. But when my body and face were perfect, as far as youth, I wasn’t happy.” In other news, Rachel Zoe is pregnant, according to an insider. There’s going to be a Jersey Shore spin-off which will just focus on Snooki. Brad and Angelina have been reunited in Budapest, where she is directing a film, and “neighbors could hear squeals of delight” coming from the kids because Daddy was home. The two went out to dinner at the new Nobu in Budapest and Brad smoked a cigarette, which “Angelina didn’t seem to mind.” Also, did you know there’s a Lycée Francais in Budapest? I learned so much today. In David Arquette/Courteney Cox news, Arquette was seen at a party for Seth MacFarlane on October 9 — before the separation news broke — and a witness says he was wandering around aimlessly. “He looked depressed, like a sad puppy.” A source also says that Courteney is a “very anal Type A” personality “not easy to be married to” but they’re “not giving up” and just need time apart.
Grade: B (blue skies)