This Week In Tabloids: Taylor Swift's Battle Against Scooter Braun's Army of Pop Stars Continues

Welcome to Jezebel’s Midweek Madness where—in an ongoing act of class warfare—the famous have retreated behind the luxury paywall of European yacht vacations and out of this gossip’s clutches. They can’t hide from me forever!

In the meantime, let’s dive in!

In Touch:

Did Lady Gaga move from her palatial, $22.5 million Malibu estate to Bradley Cooper’s middling, $13.5 million West Village townhouse? Unlikely! Despite this, I’m earnestly informed by a variety of sources that he “cleared out a bunch of drawers and closet space” for Stefani, which she “wasted no time filling up!” Here’s a list of the possessions she’s supposedly cluttered his nooks with:

• A small piece of art
• A vintage record player
• An old Italian cookbook

Sounds like the perfect setting for the worst Wes Anderson movie yet! I’m also concerned over the mounting allegations that Simon Cowell had a facelift over the summer. He re-emerged after dropping “20 pounds on a vegan diet,” with a “svelte” figure and a “completely unrecognizable” mug. If he did indeed staple his face back—who cares! The genuinely shocking and under-reported angle to this story is the fact that he’s clearly dyed his hair. Focus on what really matters!

Elsewhere, Gwyneth Paltrow and Goop faced criticism for “extorting” attendees at her summer health summit in London. With tickets priced at $5,700, the weekend included an “overcharged hotel room” and absentee Goop. Sounds like they got exactly what they paid for! Adele’s haters claim she’s partying too much. Camila Cabello has been spotted across the globe with Shawn Mendes. Lucy Hale is dating Niall Horan. Alison Brie opted for bangs. Diana Ross lost her hard drive. Britney Spears has been eating her vegetables. Goop on her ass: “Not great!”

And since there’s a lack of tangible gossip this week, let’s focus on my favorite time of the week—celebrities at sponsored events!

• Sara Evans kicked off the “For the Record” Country Music Tour, sponsored by Straight Talk Wireless.
• Lea Michelle headlined “The Changing Room” pop-up event “as part of the Maxx You Project.” It’s about empowering women to embrace individuality through the purchasing of various, poly-blend fabrics!
• Denise Richards promoted Uncle Bud’s HEMP body lotion inside a menacingly empty dressing room.
• Former Pretty Little Liars somebody Ian Harding promoted Pedigree Dentastix Selfiestix Clip while taking a selfie with his dog.
• Christie Brinkley was spotted hosting the Polo Hampton’s Match & Event to celebrate “her Social Life Magazine cover at the Maria and Kenneth Fishel Estate in Bridgehampton, N.Y.”

What else? Martha Stewart allegedly shops the Kirkland collection at Costco. Everyone’s wearing Louis Vuitton. A horde of celebrities stepped out in high ponytails. Justin Long once laughed at a Seinfeld episode while shopping for a fancy sleep mask. And as for this week’s blind item? It’s a mystery involving an abandoned Postmates shopping bag and a gaggle of Fashion Nova sponsored Instagram models. Enjoy!

There’s a core group of young stars—mostly girls, but some boys too—who pretend to be healthy but it’s just the opposite. They’re notorious for ordering food in public, but they never eat it. It’s just for social media. They’ve taken the infamous “chew and spit” to a whole new level—they don’t even put the food in their mouths!

Ok!:

We’ve already dedicated an inordinate amount of brain power to the personal life of suburban lifestyle influencers Chip and Joanna Gaines. Magnolia Market will survive! Instead, let’s discuss the “bizarre marriage rules” between John Travolta and Kelly Preston. The pair keep things “goofy,” and they regularly host made-up skits in their home theatre. A dance party is similarly not out of the question—especially in the company of guests! A tipster also claims that they sleep in different bedrooms because of the “mystery and allure” it brings. Kinky! But the most fascinating claim is the assertion that a feud has been brewing between Tom Cruise and Travolta because “when John joined, he was the biggest star and was treated like a God.” This was, of course, until Cruise bopped to the top of the corporate hierarchy that constitutes David Miscavige’s inner circle. At least the same sources claim that Kelly Preston stood by him through the brutal reception to Gotti!

I’m also told of some troubling gossip surrounding Matthew Perry and his latest public outing. Seen in NYC smoking a cigarette and drinking a Diet Coke, many have speculated that he’s fallen back into the cycle of prescription drugs, rehab, and various hospitalizations that began with a jet ski accident in 1997. Instead of indulging the tabloid’s sensationalized portrayal of addiction and suffering, why not wish him the best and move on! In tangential news, on-set rumors from Apple TV+’s upcoming series The Morning Show have Reese Witherspoon and Jennifer Aniston “drifting apart.” Will two women ever exist on set together without a clearly fabricated feud tearing the cast apart? Who knows!

Meanwhile, Kaley Cuoco is being pushed to up her fashion game, Tori Spelling is “calling the shots,” and Celine Dion’s son is allegedly “over” his mom’s various outfit choices. Sounds like a hater! Sources also claim Katharine McPhee turned down the The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills because it led to Yolanda Hadid’s divorce from David Foster. I wonder how the Lyme disease advocate would feel about this assessment! Everyone’s wearing red, Blake Lively wore it (questionably) better, and Kendall Jenner stepped out in a minidress. Surprises all around! What else?

• Tom Hanks shared his most important life lesson: “You can be positive and tackle the day, or you can be miserable and suffer every day.”
• Lisa Rinna launched an exclusive legging collection with Goldsheep.
• Everyone’s wearing $300 sandals.
• Vin Diesel is a Cancer.
• Terry Crews is sometimes recognized in Brooklyn.
• Sienna Miller admits she’s uncool now: “I was dancing down the street the other day.
• Shia LaBeouf on staying out of the tabloids: “I’ve never had my feet as firmly planted on the floor as I do now.”

Us Weekly:

The bulk of this week’s cover story concerns the various parties now involved in Taylor Swift’s ongoing feud with Scooter Braun. To (briefly) recap: Scooter Braun’s company acquired Big Machine Records and Taylor Swift’s catalogue. She responded with an Instagram post that ignited Twitter and a news cycle that’s lasted for weeks. Alleging that Braun’s team has repeatedly bullied her in the past, Big Machine Records founder Scott Borchetta released documents that seemingly proved she’d known of the sale for months and hadn’t taken action to intervene. In the wake of the allegations, various celebrities have drawn lines in the sand on where they stand with the two warring media giants. Here’s a list of vocal “Team Taylor” supporters: Cher, Cara Delevingne, Todrick Hall, Iggy Azalea, Camila Cabello, Halsey, and Mandy Teefey. Braun, meanwhile, has garnered support from Demi Lovato, Justin Bieber, Ty Dolla Sign, Katharine McPhee, and Sia. A real mixed bag!

The bulk of Taylor’s complaint boils down to the power imbalance baked into recording artist’s contracts, which unilaterally favor corporations exploiting an artist’s image for profit. In this, we both agree! She’s also claimed (which many have backed up) that Braun orchestrated Kim Kardashian’s recording of the phone 2016 phone call between her and Kanye West, who at the time had yet to release “Famous.” Again, I absolutely agree! Scooter Braun, who’s client list also included Justin Bieber and Ariana Grande, has his fingerprints on much of the last decade’s most influential pop culture moments. However, for someone as obviously calculated as Taylor Swift to claim the same thing of Braun is both hollow and slightly hypocritical.

Jessica Alba wore pink, everyone’s wearing pajama pants, Emily Ratajkowski always wears it better, and Andie MacDowell found herself in a standoff with Jessica Chastain. Tyra Banks mistook Rihanna for herself. Alan Cumming admitted his mom irons his underwear. Dax Shepard sometimes dreams that the giant wheel on Spin the Wheel will crush him to death. Even stranger—Candace Cameron Bure wore a taffeta midi-dress from a 2006 prom catalogue. While Ashanti and Julianne Hough posed with inflatable flamingos, rumors spread that Leah Remini’s A&E docu-series Scientology and the Aftermath was shut down by the Church of Scientology. Spooky! Shawn Mendes was spotted with Camila Cabello and an oversized beverage. Vicki Gunvalson was demoted to a “friend” of the Housewives, while Kelly Dodd claimed the ratings would be better for it. Meghan McCain allegedly wants out of her contract with The View. And in the most important news of the week, Heidi Montag shared what’s in her “status symbol” Birkin Bag:

• She always carries a flashlight because you never know when a power outage might strike.
• Her favorite bracelet from Pratt Daddy Crystals is the Cat’s Eye Kunzite.
• She’s currently obsessed with workout gear, so she never leaves the house without an Electric & Rose spandex set.
• The most-used perfume in her rotation is Gucci Rush 2, which she menacingly wields wherever she goes.
• She loves Baby & Me prenatal vitamins.
• Her current skincare must have? Avéne sunscreen for her and the baby.

What else? Literally nothing. Enjoy this week’s collage!