Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we spend 50 percent of our Wednesday imagining what it would have been like to know Kris Jenner in the ‘80s. This week, Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani are “at war” with Gavin Rossdale, the Beckhams are bending it like divorce, Kris fucked O.J., and the sister wives from Sister Wives continue breathing.
Let’s do this. Hurry.
Victoria and David Beckham will divorce soon. In a way, this is sad, because they are both beautiful and have been married for 16 years. But, in other ways, this is anything but sad. We do not know these people, and they do not know us! Nothing about their marriage affects our lives in any measurable way, and yet here I am, devastated. We all are, right? Sources say there has been “unrelenting tension” in their marriage, and now we all want to weep. Insiders claim “they’re figuring out their exit strategies,” and now we all want to help keep them from exiting. Photos reveal Victoria has had the “marriage tattoo” on her back removed, and now we all want to tattoo it on our backs in memory of their former happiness. Their broken hearts have broken all of ours. How sad. Or not.
Speaking of marriage, OK! isn’t quite sure if Mariah Carey’s new fiancé, a billionaire named James Packer, is a good fit for her, and claim he has a “checkered past” that includes a bad temper, interest in the cult of Scientology, and a love of gambling. But hey, that’s just three reasons to question him. She’s got at least four billion reasons to think otherwise, and I personally see plenty of love in their future.
- Amy Schumer and Ben Hanisch have moved in together.
- Tom Cruise is worried about his son, who is probably drinking more than he should.
- Friends are worried about Ellen DeGeneres, who is probably drinking more than she should.
- Jennifer Garner wants to start dating again, but thinks she should get breast implants first.
- Beyoncé is “pregnant.”
- Demi and Wilmer “are engaged.”
- Bradley and Irina “are over.”
- The world is “ending.”
Grade: C+ (Bradley Cooper breaks up with you.)
Gavin Rossdale will not stop “tormenting” Gwen and Blake, and is currently “playing mind games” with the new couple “in a twisted bid to keep her trapped in their marriage.” Mind games include: wearing his wedding ring constantly (even though Gwen stopped wearing hers), telling Gwen her relationship with Blake is hurting their children, and texting Gwen often as though they’re just “on a break.” But, sources claim, this could backfire for Gavin, as his tauntings have done nothing but make Blake more anxious to marry Gwen. Says a source, presumably from Oklahoma, he “recently made a surprising decision to marry Gwen come hell or high water.”
How often do you think Blake says, “Come hell or high water”? My guess is, oh, 12 times a day.
- “I’m gonna make it to work on time come hell or high water!”
- “We’re gonna get Mexican food for lunch come hell or high water!”
- “Adam Levine’s gonna pay me back for that trip to Vegas come hell or high water!”
- “I’m gonna drink a case of Natty tonight come hell or high water!”
- “Gwen I’m gonna make you come come hell or high water!”
- Angelina Jolie has a “mystery illness” that’s making her a “frantic mess.”
- Kris Jenner is desperate to become aReal Housewife of Beverly Hills.
- Scott Disick is Jonathan Cheban’s “idol,” which makes me want to vomit out my organs.
- Justin Theroux and Jennifer Aniston are divorcing.
- Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are divorcing.
- I’m gonna divorce you if you don’t wear petal pink!
Grade: F (Blake Shelton says he’ll make you come come hell or high water.)
The cover story is about the sister wives and brother husband from Sister Wives, so I’m going to move on to something else because it’s my party and I’ll skip if I want to. Thanks to his relationship with Blac Chyna, Rob Kardashian is now “dead” to Kylie. After posting a sketch of what appears to be some kind of demonic creature and captioning it “This is @robkardashian lol,” sources are saying the youngest Jenner is “furious” with Rob’s “shocking act of betrayal.” If you’ll recall (I’m sure you’ll recall), Rob’s current girlfriend is the mother of Kylie’s current boyfriend’s child.
OK, fine, you twisted my arm. I’ll mention this Sister Wives scandal, but only by sharing this image from Life & Style’s dream casting of a movie based on it:
- Louis Tomlinson is “warring” over child support payments with the mother of his child, Briana Jungwirth.
- I cannot wait for Briana Jungwirth’s inevitable reality show.
- Miranda Lambert will tour with her musician boyfriend, Anderson East.
- Gaga is on a “champagne and sushi diet” to prepare for the Oscars.
- The only way Ashton and Mila can save their marriage is to have another baby, which, I think, is a tip from Dr. Spock.
- If you don’t wear frayed denim this week, I’ll glue headphones to your ears and play The Fray until you do.
Grade: F (You read about Sister Wives.)
O.J. Simpson is Khloe Kardashian’s biological father, and Star has proof. The proof is not something even remotely conclusive, like a DNA test or letter signed by Kris and O.J. that says, “Yes, we fucked at least once and conceived Khloe, whom I raised as a Kardashian,” it’s just a side-by-side comparison of Khloe (taken several years ago) and Sydney Simpson in which they look, well, fine, they look like half-sisters.
There are also quotes from “exclusive Star interviews” in which Robert’s second wife claimed he never believed Khloe was his daughter. “Any man would [question paternity] if their wife had cheated on him,” which Kris admittedly did—albeit with a different man, Todd Waterman.
Anyway, Khloe’s dad is O.J.
Ben Hanisch, Amy Schumer’s boyfriend, might be “using her for fame,” and Star thinks his appearance in a future episode of her sketch comedy show is proof. More proof is that, “in a 2014 interview with a [Chicago] magazine,” Ben said he “spent all [his] money on acting classes.” Insiders say “Amy’s showbiz connections could have upped Ben’s interest in her.” MEANWHILE, there’s a warrant out for him in Utah, because he was arrested there in 2006 for possessing alcohol. Sounds like someone’s a bad boy!
- Antonio Banderas pays Melanie Griffith $65,000 a month in spousal support.
- Kendall Jenner and Hailey Baldwin are maybe possibly perhaps fucking.
- Laura Dern and Common are definitely fucking.
- Taylor Swift is a “total nightmare” when flying.
Grade: F (Your dad is O.J.)
Fig. 1 - In Touch
Fig. 2- Life & Style
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