Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we buy three tabloids because the goss is too depressing to read four times in a row.
This week, People has exclusive photos from an unknown source of an alleged attack on Amber Heard by Johnny Depp in 2015, In Touch claims there might be video of last week’s attack, and Kim and Kanye are divorcing. So, you know, bleak.
Amber Heard and Johnny Depp
Let’s begin with this. I rarely read People (it’s far too well-sourced and free of typos for my gossip tastes), but this story begins like one from any old rag: a description of a supposedly happy time that’s revealed to be nothing more than a mask over something darker and more upsetting. Johnny Depp looked great on May 23rd, at the premiere of his most recent flop Alice Through the Looking Glass, but things would soon “fall apart.”
And then comes the story we all know by now—the creaky, rusted see-saw of he-saids and she-saids and lawyer-saids that ultimately leaves us not knowing what to say in response. But People has something else in this week’s issue—something exclusive: a set of photos from December 2015 that show “facial injuries allegedly caused by Johnny Depp” on Amber Heard.
In court documents she described the incident by saying she “truly feared that [her] life was in danger,” and the photos show what appear to be two black eyes.
Meanwhile, In Touch claims Heard is “in possession of a videotape of Johnny having an epic meltdown.” A source says, “If this video were to be released, it would ruin his career.”
And we’re done.
Kim and Kanye
Divorce rumors about these two are really starting to grind my gears. Listen up, people. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West will never divorce. They will be married until they both die during some failed mixed media installation involving helium, burlap sacks, and fire, and will be transported to some other dimension riding naked on a Yeezy-wearing unicorn—completely silent—for infinity. That is their afterlife, and it’s time for all the tabloids to figure it out.
But let’s discuss what In Touch claims. Kim is apparently “fed up after two years of nonstop tantrums, tirades, and meltdowns” and wants to “pull the plug” on their marriage. The source of her anger is Kanye’s jealousy. He reportedly fired a bodyguard for speaking to Kim, as well as a large group of “landscapers, security people, and consultants” that “he deemed too attractive” to work around his wife.
No. Not buying it. Here’s what Kim and Kanye actually fight about.
KIM: Babe, can you look at these swatches for the paint in the new guest suite? I think Ibis White is my favorite.
KANYE: I prefer Arcade White.
KIM: Hmmm, that’s interesting, because I prefer Ibis White.
KANYE: Arcade White has a better energy. I feel something when I look at it.
KIM: I feel something when I look at you.
KANYE: You feel my mother’s spirit.
KIM: You have the most beautiful soul.
KANYE: You have the most beautiful heart.
KIM: You have the most beautiful smile.
KANYE: You have the most beautiful wardrobe.
KIM: You have the most beautiful mind.
KANYE: Thank you, but I still prefer Arcade White.
KIM: And I still prefer Ibis White.
KANYE: Then I guess we’re not finishing the guest suite.
KIM: That’s fine with me.
Kim sets the swatches on fire. She and Kanye pray silently over the flames.
Two stories about Today drama in one month? What a gift! How thrilling and unexpected. The gist is that Matt Lauer’s $20m-a-year contract with the show is up in December, and executives at NBC “don’t want to continue to give that kind of huge paycheck to one person anymore.”
So! Lauer is out, and Willie Geist is in...allegedly. A source claims “he’s already being groomed to take over” for the veteran anchor, and the summer Olympics will be Lauer’s “swan song.”
Here’s how I imagine they’ll interact after Geist’s promotion is official.
MATT: Hello, Willie.
WILLIE: Hello, Matt.
MATT: Congratulations on the new gig.
WILLIE: Thank you. I’ve got some big shoes to fill.
MATT: You sure do. What size are your shoes?
MATT: Your shoes. What size are they?
MATT: Interesting. I’m 13 and a half.
WILLIE: Oh, wow.
MATT: Yeah. Wow. You know what a large foot says about a man, William?
WILLIE: It’s Willie.
MATT: Exactly. It says something about its willy.
WILLIE: Look, I don’t know what you’re trying to do here, but I’m not intimidated by you anymore.
MATT: Aren’t you?
Matt pulls his penis out of his pants.
WILLIE: No. I’m not.
Willie pulls his penis out of his pants.
WILLIE: No, no. Ne touchez pas.
Tamron walks in, stares for five seconds, and walks out.
Paris Hilton’s Long-Winded Way of Saying “No” of the Week:
- Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart will soon get married in Miami.
- Ben Affleck might be seeing Christine Ouzounian again.
- Emma Stone is dating an actor I’ve never heard of named Austin Stowell.
- Liam Hemsworth hates Miley Cyrus’s brother, Trace.
- Lamar Odom is drinking again.
- Tom hasn’t seen Suri in 1,000 days.