Welcome to Jezebel’s Midweek Madness! Local menace Joan Summers is tucked away at an upstate medspa recovering from the latest awards season. I ask that, in the interest of my health and wellness, we never discuss Bohemian Rhapsody or Green Book again.

Instead, let’s replay the clip of Rami Malek falling off the stage as we dive into this week’s tabloids!

In Touch:

Girls? She had them. Gays? She had them. Suburban moms? She definitely had them. An Oscar? She had that too! But at long last, Stefani Joanne Ally Maine Angelina Germonatta has acquired her most prized possession: tabloid superstardom! This is, at least, her sixth cover story in the last six months. She’s the first worthy challenger to Jennifer Aniston’s reign as Queen of Illicit, Fictional Love Affairs! The bulk of this “breaking news” is mostly secondhand production assistant gossip, but a recovering Little Monster™ accepts the gifts she’s given. Here’s the scoop: Lady Gaga, after suffering the “chemistry, electricity, and heat” on the set of A Star Is Born, proposed to Jackson “Bradley Cooper” Maine. Irina Shayk, alleged girlfriend, was nowhere to be found. In response, I have a few proposals of my own for Irina’s manager:

  1. Post a Youtube video of her burning Lady Gaga’s various wigs. She’ll appear on Good Morning America the day after to discuss her much needed “mental health break.”
  2. Consciously uncouple, start a lifestyle brand, and publish a memoir-cookbook that lands in Oprah’s Book Club.
  3. Fire her agent, make a buzzworthy Jimmy Kimmel appearance, replace Giuliana Rancic on E! News, and start a career of regularly interviewing Bachelor contestants.
  4. Replace Abby Huntsman on The View as the requisite not-blonde white woman and start a public feud with Meghan McCain.

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While I’d normally urge you to cast your vote in the comments below, I think we all know the answer to this particular trolley car problem! In better news, Matt Lauer is still being horrifically punished from inside his luxurious Hamptons estate! Katie Couric’s upcoming memoir, Unexpected, is an “unsugarcoated look at what her disgraced former host did.” According to Little, Brown, and Company:

Couric will reveal the unapologetic Mad Men culture, ubiquitous in many news organizations, that led to revelations about some of the biggest names in the business, including her longtime co-anchor and friend Matt Lauer.

This definitely sounds like something I’ll pretend to read when engaging in the Twitter #discourse! There are also allegations that a Facebook group for Navy sailors was ablaze with gossip concerning Tom Cruise’s “diva antics” on the set of Top Gun 2. While his publicists refused to comment, these maritimers are accusing the noted Scientologist of being “disgusting,” “disrespectful,” and “telling the crew not to talk or look at him.” While I’m usually against publishing the word of the military, I do find “ship politics” endlessly fascinating. It’s why I’ve suffered every iteration of Below Deck thrown at me!

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Elsewhere, Rachel Bloom dyed her hair blue and Andy Cohen thinks staring at his newborn Benjamin Cohen is “more interesting than looking at hot guys on my Instagram feed.” What I’m obsessed with, however, is the proof that nobody gossips quite like the Bachelor Nation. Almost a week ahead of its airdate, In Touch perfectly predicted this week’s latest “shocker”: Colton Underwood, humiliated virgin, getting stiffed in the Fantasy Suite. Incredible! There’s also an out-of-left-field “expose” on everybody’s least favorite reportedly homophobic organization, Hillsong Church:

  • Hillsong founder Brian Houston is being sued in Australia for covering up alleged child molestation claims concerning his deceased father, Pastor Frank Houston.
  • Tanya Levin, former parishioner of Hillsong, is the author of People In Glass Houses. Reaching out to In Touch, she calls the church “insidious and exploitative and manipulative” after alleging they force parishioners to extend themselves beyond their financial means.
  • A male choir director, after announcing his engagement to another man, was ostracized by Brian Houston. To quote the pastor himself, “We do not affirm a gay lifestyle, and because of this we do not knowingly have actively gay people in positions of leadership. Tanya, in an extended quote, claims “They’d welcome anybody who’s got money.” (According to In Touch, “Gay people can have deep pockets too.”)

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After Chris Pratt praised the church on The Late Show, Ellen Page led the charge in publicly ridiculing their public stance on sexuality. Thank god for the gay agenda! In lieu of the usual roundup, here’s In Touch’s official ranking of likely Batperson replacements:

  1. Kit Harington: According to In Touch, “He’s not only GoT time on his hands, but he’s nailed the cape-wearing, tortured orphan type!
  2. Armie Hammer: To quote the frequent Twitter quitter: “No one who can actually give me the job has asked if I’m interested.”
  3. Jack O’Connell: Who?!
  4. Robert Pattinson: “You can do superhero movies or you can do indies. That’s it.”

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OK!:

Considering I’m still recovering from Jennifer Aniston’s 50th birthday, I think it’s best I sit this week’s cover story out. Instead, let’s fixate on the fact that Nicole Richie and Cameron Diaz are sisters-in-law! While the news comes from “sources” close to both, I’ve always found the concept of syncing pregnancies with a relative absolutely wild. I thought this was only done by sorority sisters in the movies, or Housewives! Regardless, I’m wishing the best for both (and demanding NBC-Universal-Comcast bring back Great News!) And, since you’re obviously wondering what brought George Clooney to tears: His latest movie! He also mentions wanting to spearhead an ER reboot, a concept I’m already exhausted by! Unless it involves Julianna Margulies delivering plenty of face-acting, “I don’t want to see that!”

In a lesser circle of hell, Jordyn Woods is definitely innocent and Dina Lohan is begging just about everyone to put her on Dancing With The Stars. Fun! Flipping past the Slimfast Keto advertisements, I learned that Eva Longoria is acting again in something called Grand Hotel. Who knew! Tyler Henry, a Legitimate Medium Who Definitely Has The Supernatural Powers He Claims™, shared his “Rosemary Chicken” recipe: 1 teaspoon of garlic, butter, and some chopped rosemary. That’s some dry fucking chicken, Tyler!

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Wrapping up:

  • Target exclusive designers Chip and Joanna Gaines renewed their vows. For two of the most famous reality television stars, have they heard of the Real Housewives Vow Renewal Curse?
  • Wendy Williams is finally back, restoring the balance of entropic decay necessary to the health and wellness of our universe.
  • John Legend confirms that Chrissy Teigen is a villain in the Twitter Cinematic Universe.
  • Raquel “Rachel” Leviss, noted b-player on Vanderpump Rules, was awarded the “Most Inspiring Beauty” award at a pre-Grammys party, sponsored by CIROC Black Raspberry, IT Hair Care, L.A. Girl Cosmetics, Peter Thomas Roth, Bartenura Moscato, Slimfast™, and Heineken.

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Life & Style:

Let’s begin with an earnest question. Is anyone paying attention to the latest Miranda Lambert storyline? Full disclosure: I’m not! (A cop? Not in my column!) Instead, let’s pivot to the realization that 90 Day Fiancé is a cultural phenomenon consistently attracting almost 2.4 million viewers weekly! They’ve even invaded the tabloid cover blurbs! Unfortunately, Life & Style opens this “breaking news” with an ICE joke. It’s disgusting, tired, and frankly? Racist! How can these “writers” live with themselves after trivializing state-sponsored violence from a domestic terrorist organization like ICE? To quote Lana Del Rey, “U know the addy. Pull up anytime. Say it to my face. But if I were you- I wouldn’t.” In the meantime, I recommend keeping an eye out for Selener, who’s officially sworn off men! According to “sources, the pop star has “pledged to stay celibate (from men) for six months in a bid to boost her mental health.” The world would be a much better place if we all did the same!

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Meanwhile, Self Made Billionaire™ Kylie Jenner claims “people don’t understand what good hair and makeup and like, fillers, can really do” when defending her looks. And honestly, she’s right! There’s also speculation that, shortly after her private jet lost a wheel, Jennifer Aniston phoned Brad Pitt to say her last goodbyes. Ignoring the fact that private jets are a gross waste of earth’s resources, I must ask: What happens when you lose a wheel? Can you not land? Get noted PJ expert Lala Kent on the phone, she should know! More importantly, however, are the allegations that Teresa Giudice has been cheating on Juicy Joe since before he went to prison for fraud. While the media loves piling on a cheating wife, might I remind you all that Mr. Juicy not only got his wife sent to prison for fraud, he was cheating on her in front of reality television cameras! A fling with a 26-year-old real-estate agent is the least she could do!

What else?

  •  Katie Maloney is referred to as “Tom Schwartz’s reality star wife.
  • Amanda Seyfried was photographed kissing a dog.
  • Frankie Grande posed on a red carpet.
  • Taylor Swift is “preparing to make an offer” with Joe Alwyn on a $16 million North London mansion. The more square footage, the easier it is to avoid this Definitely Real boyfriend!

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Us Weekly:

Another week, another cover alleging in-person interviews that never happened! And while I’ve made my stance on Meghan Markle clear, I do find it consistently unsettling that the British press has produced such vitriol over a black woman existing in spaces they believe she shouldn’t! Much of her “bucking tradition,” as well, is simply living the life of your average rich person: expensive vacations, luxury clothing, and in-laws that enriched themselves with the exploited labor of working class people! The most shocking assertion, surprisingly, is the idea that Kate Middleton making her children mac and cheese has somehow “modernized the monarchy.” Wild! I’d much rather break down Us Weekly’s annual Oscars gossip, a fitting end to the most grueling awards season I’ve ever experienced. Let’s dig in:

  • 6:30 AM: Somebody named Maria Menounos woke up.
  • 4:04 PM: Jennifer Hudson begged everyone she met to “pray for me!”
  • 5:25 PM: In an undisclosed bathroom, Emma Stone informed Rachel Weisz that she has a sexy voice.
  • 6:03 PM: The disembodied voice of Brie Larson is heard complaining about heels.
  • 6:07 PM: Allison Janney: “This is fun!”
  • 8:33 PM: Rami “I had no idea about Bryan Singer!” Malek is carried out on a stretcher.
  • 8:57 PM: Spike Lee drinks his sixth glass of champagne.
  • 9:08 PM: Olivia Colman reveals she’s gonna sleep with her Oscar.
  • 9:14 PM: Willam Dafoe “noshes” on mac and cheese.
  • 12:00 AM: Michael B. Jordan is seen making out with Idris Elba an In-N-Out burger.
  • 12:07 AM: Serena Williams demands the room “shake it” to Cardi B.

What a ride! I’d also like to take this moment to honor the real star of the show, Selma Blair, who made first red carpet appearance since her multiple sclerosis diagnosis. She also produced the most overt political statement of the night after skipping Green Book’s Best Picture speech to get photographed at the Vanity Fair after-party. What a fucking icon! Moving on: Judith Light wore it better, Dolly Parton’s husband refuses to listen to her music, Ariana Grande lacks a personal life, and Ben Affleck admitted to experiencing an existential crisis. In the worst news of the week, Rupaul’s Drag Race guest judge Nico Tortorella drank Hilary Duff’s breast milk as the two Instagrammed the experience. This is what nightmares are made of, Hilary!

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Unfortunately, the readers of Us Weekly voted on the top 10 “fittest fellas in Tinseltown.” Considering I had to suffer through this grotesque display of mass-market heterosexuality, you do too! (Nine of the “Top 10” are white, proving that tabloid thirst runs on white supremacy!)

  1. Jason Momoa: “Not even the Girl Scouts are immune!” Um, what?
  2. Ryan Reynolds: “It’s almost impossible to contemplate Ryan’s hotness without thinking about his #goals marriage to foxy Blake Lively.” Reminder they got married on a plantation!
  3. John Krasinski: “It can take adjusting when the nice guy gets hot!”
  4. Milo Ventimiglia: “The greatest TV husband in all the land.”
  5. Bradley Cooper: “He wasn’t always thought of as one of Hollywood’s hottest men.”
  6. Richard Madden: “If people think I’m hot, it undermines that I’m an actor.”
  7. Chris Evans/Chris Hemsworth/Chris Pine: Look at all these Chrises!
  8. Ryan Gosling: “How many men are so hot they’ve inspired a meme?”

Without much else, let’s finish this quick:

  • Miranda Lambert married a viral celebrity cop who once appeared on Good Morning America.
  • Chloe Grace Moretz hired her brother to fight trolls on Instagram.
  • Betty Who keeps her purse stocked with medical masks, old napkins, and Moleskine notebooks.
  • Little Richard used to tip Ava Duvernay $100 during her time as a waitress.

And that’s all I’ve got! Enjoy this week’s collage!