Welcome to Jezebel’s Midweek Madness, where local menace Joan Summers has stowed away in the office bunker while the Daily Mail bombards her with headlines about Liam Hemsworth’s feelings. Will the tyrannical reign of the summer news cycle ever end? Will this heat wave last forever?

I don’t have answers, but I do have gossip. Let’s dive in!

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The bedrock of the modern internet is an amalgam of bots sifting through keywords and aggregating the “net-worths” of headline-making celebrities. The origin of these faceless computer programs remains our society’s great unsolved mystery—and without them, tabloid coverage of topical divorces would be practically nonexistent. Speaking of: Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth are already battling rumors that their recently-announced “$250 million” divorce has turned “nasty.” Sources claim the former wrecking-ball straddler turned to Kaitlynn Carter when she feared her marriage to Liam Hemsworth had made her boring. The claim is a transparent attempt to divert this conversation into one where Miley Cyrus’s sexuality is not a legitimate experience or identity. The tabloids have long insisted that women who fall outside the “acceptable” mode of heterosexuality are merely going through a phase—I won’t stand for it!

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Moving on, Heidi Klum walked down the aisle for the ninth time and Lucy Liu debuted a fresh new bob. Noted husband Brooks Laich revealed on his podcast that he often puts frequent podcast guest Julianne Hough’s feet in his mouth. And if you’ve ever found yourself sleepless while contemplating what Pete Davidson reminds you of—rest easy! His recent excursion with a Spongebob popsicle ended the internet’s longest running debate. Cole Sprouse, who is definitely still in a relationship, wore a white suit. Bebe Rexha posed for fashion label Bebe in the “Bebe Loves Bebe” fall 2019 Bebe campaign. Orlando Bloom took his dog for a ride on his motorcycle. Cara Delevingne, not to be upstaged, was paid to pose with a can of luxury water at Comic-Con. As we’re officially in the bleakest stretch of our summer slump, let me leave you with gossip to nourish your soul: “Scott Disick’s new reality show, Flip it Like Disick, may have a foreclosure sign on it soon.”

This week’s blind concerns a threesome and a failed love life. It’s too hot to pretend I care about this!

This star jumped into a new relationship after being rejected by her true love, but she doesn’t know what she’s in for. Her beau is into threesomes! Friends say it will never last and that it’ll be just another bad romance for the unlucky-in-love celeb.

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Star:

How many secrets could Lisa Marie Presley be hiding in her voluminous, auburn hairdo? Star claims—quite a lot! Reports are swirling that the daughter of Elvis and Priscilla Presley could see her “explosive” memoir fetch a hefty $3 million from Amy Schumer and Tiffany Haddish’s publisher, Gallery Books. Sources allege her would-be editors want the singer-songwriter to open up about her marriage to Michael Jackson, which took place in 1994 amidst early accusations against Jackson of molestation and pedophilia. Yikes! Presley also famously defected from the Church of Scientology; in 2014, she said that her time in the organization was causing her to “slowly self destruct.” (Priscilla is reportedly still active inside Scientology after introducing her daughter to the Church as a child.) Elvis, conversely, will reportedly be spared the tabloid treatment. The same sources stress that Lisa Marie adores her late father and “doesn’t want to tarnish his reputation.”

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Here’s a three-way cage match you didn’t know you needed: Elsa Pataky, Chris Hemsworth, and Angelina Jolie. Since Comic-Con, rumors have been circulating the message boards that the noted philanthropist slipped the post-fatsuit Thor actor her number at the Marvel panel in July. Hemsworth’s wife Elsa Pataky, sources claim, is “sweating” and “spiraling into a jealous rage.” A gossip can only dream that Pataky learns from Miley Cyrus and leaves her Hemsworth model for his infinitely hotter co-star. (Perhaps she’ll even earn herself a trip to Jolie’s haunted French chateau for the heroism!) Victoria and David Beckham are also rumored to be moving their Londontown lifestyle to the rapidly shrinking Miami coastline. The soccer superstar recently won court approval for Miami Beckham United’s proposed $9 million acquisition of 2.79 acres in Miami’s Overtown neighborhood. Ominous!

Elsewhere, Tiffany Hadish revealed that Scientologists tried to recruit her when she was homeless in Los Angeles, and Ryan Reynolds took his daughter shopping. Camila Cabello posed with a picture of herself. Somebody named Kate Walsh posed with dogs. Cindy Crawford was seen double-fisting frozen yogurt somewhere in New York City. Jenna Bush Hager gave birth to her third child. Eliza Dushku gave birth to her first. Brandon Jenner is expecting twins. And then there’s Tarek El Moussa, who’s been seen with former Playmate Heather Rae Young. Fun! I’m also rooting for Kathie Lee and her new boyfriend, a man named Randy Cronk. Teresa Giudice doesn’t share the former television fixtures luck, as insiders claim she’s officially left Juicy Joe while he’s still in federal custody awaiting a potential deportation. (Abolish ICE!)

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What else?

  • Becky G was photographed.
  • Dakota Johnson and Chris Martin are allegedly “back on again.”
  • Ryan Seacrest drove a race car.
  • Channing Tatum dropped by Whole Foods without Jenna Dewan impersonator Jessie J.
  • Amanda Seyfried walked the red carpet with her canine co-stars for the premiere of the Art of Racing in the Rain.
  • Neil Patrick Harris boarded Elton John’s yacht.

Enjoy this collection of outfits questionably labeled the “Best of the Week.” Helen Mirren and Elle Fanning underwhelm me in their predictable floral frocks. Anne Hathaway’s bold print is a welcome departure from the summer’s trends, and Gabrielle Union’s throwback halter is a clever elevation of an oft-repeated reference.

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Us Weekly:

Us Weekly boldly announces in its opening pages that while promoting her upcoming Netflix comedy The Politician (from creator Ryan Murphy), January Jones paired a $1220 Magda Butrym mini-dress and “barely there” Public Desire sandals. Thanks for letting us know! Sophie Turner revealed another Louis Vuitton ensemble, Kaia Gerber slinked about in oversized pants, and Katy Perry did not wear pleather better than Taraji P. Henson. Dakota Johnson is “sad” about the disappearance of her gap tooth, Elisabeth Moss finally watched Gilmore Girls, and Milo Ventimiglia compared the hotly anticipated ending of This Is Us to the nuclear football. Audrina Patridge, continuing her South Beach Diet promotional tour, posed in a bikini. Kristen Bell cried. Whitney Port inconspicuously browsed CeraVe products at Walgreens. Not to be outdone by a reality television star, Ariel Winter rocked her YSL crossbody while shopping for toilet paper with boyfriend Levi Meaden.

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Remember Ireland Baldwin? She was interviewed at the opening of Weedmaps Museum of Weed about cousin Hailey Bieber, who she claimed “really complements” Justin Bieber’s many basketball shorts. As Ireland puts it: “She’s in full wife mode now, I love it.” Same, Ireland! Busy Phillips was interviewed about motherhood while Caitlyn Jenner posted a photo of Kendall Jenner to wish daughter Kylie Jenner a happy birthday. I’m also intrigued by comments from Tina Knowles at Beautycon claiming Beyoncé and Jay-Z are “looking to expand their family in the near future.” If anything, at least we know the Carter Empire will reign for a thousand years! I’d also like to pause a moment and remind you that Jackson Guthy—who Olivia Jade recently reunited with—is an occasional singer-songwriter. Enjoy!

What else:

  • Nina Agdal carries dice in her large camo sack because she “loves playing games.”
  • Shannon Doherty revealed that Luke Perry’s death was the catalyst to resolve her differences with Jennie Garth and Tori Spelling.
  • Daphne Zuniga’s first crush? Barry Manilow.
  • Chris Pratt kayaked.
  • Goop “genuinely enjoys” Brad Falchuk.
  • A pair of Bachelor somebodies were married.
  • Rihanna donned feathers.
  • Katherine Heigl read a book.

That’s all I have for you, unfortunately. Enjoy this week’s collage!