This Week In Tabloids: Mariah Constantly Drinks Wine Out of a Soda Can

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we lose ourselves in the Dionysian revelry contained within Star, Us Weekly, OK!, Life & Style and InTouch. This week: Mariah Carey constantly drinks white wine out of a ginger ale can; Harry Styles is being used as a pawn in the Katy Perry/Taylor Swift bloodfeud; and Charlize Theron is still mean to people at SoulCycle.

LEAH LOSES HER GIRLS

I have never seen an episode of Teen Mom except for one time when was in the hospital with my friend who had broken her ankle and it was playing on the TV there, so I have little understanding of what this means — but Leah and Corey are in currently a custody battle over their twin daughters, Aliannah and Aleeah. Corey’s lawyer is named Rusty Webb, meaning that he should have a reality show of his own. Corey and Rusty are going to argue in court that Leah’s prescription drug use makes her an unfit mother. I hope everything turns out ok!! In other news, Gwyneth Paltrow had a “meltdown” at her birthday dinner because she’s upset that Chris Martin is dating Jennifer Lawrence. Like Athena from Zeus’s head, a fully-formed infographic comparing the two women has sprung into being (Fig. 1). It notes that Gwyneth Paltrow does not eat hot dogs, whereas Jennifer Lawrence loves hot dogs. Also, GOOP is “frequently voted the most hated celebrity,” whereas J-Law is “America’s klutzy, cool sweetheart.” A lot of effort could have been saved by just printing “GWYNETH PALTROW: NOT CHILL” in huge letters. Elsewhere in the magazine, Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton are living separate lives. The magazine says that, while on tour, the couple “have been like two ships passing in the night — literally: Their tour buses sometimes drive by each other, heading in opposite directions on the same highway.” Ok, not to nitpick, but that is not literally. Close! But not quite. Elsewhere in the magazine, Nick Cannon cheated on Mariah Carey with Amber Rose, which is something both have publicly denied, but what’s the fun in that. They’re still together now, legend has it, “cozying up” all over L.A. restaurants in a bold provocation of Mariah’s Wrath. Next: an intrepid reporter dared venture into the belly of the beast in order to obtain an exclusive interview with Brody Jenner: from this very important scoop, obtained during a Brody Jenner DJ set in Atlantic City, we learn that Bruce Jenner is doing well in the aftermath of his divorce from Kris Jenner. Pulitzers for everyone. And, finally, an update on the most important tabloid story of the year (“Charlize Theron is mean at Soulcycle”): Charlize changed SoulCycle studios but kept her bad attitude. According to a source, “She always arrives late to class with a scowl on her face and has the nerve to ask people who are already settled on their bikes to switch.” This article is titled “CHARLIZE IS A SPIN MONSTER.” (Brody Jenner, if you were looking for DJ name suggestions, please keep in mind that Spin Monster is open.)

GRADE: F (getting a pinup-style tattoo of Kevin Jonas on your genitals)

$225 MILLION DIVORCE

Star has published an entire article about Julia Roberts’ looming divorce from her husband, a man named Danny, based on a single photograph in which they are not smiling enough. “Some have suggested that the couple were merely caught off guard when the photo was snapped,”says Star. Sounds like a good explanation!! Let’s not bother with all the made-up stuff about their crumbling marriage and enjoy our fleeting youth while we still can. Moving on: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie didn’t attend George Clooney’s wedding because “they didn’t want to be part of the circus,” which is kind of a flimsy excuse for not going to your best friend’s wedding, but I guess every day is a catered feast flanked by old-timey water taxis when you’re rich and famous, so who am I to judge. Elsewhere in the magazine, a former member of Mariah Carey’s entourage “shares her darkest — and strangest — secrets.” To me, it just sounds like a list of very practical lifehacks. For instance: “She drinks white wine out of a ginger ale can. She sips it through a straw, so it looks like she’s just drinking ginger ale. [Her] assistants have to carry backpacks filled with wine so that if Mariah’s can ever needs a refill, they can go to a nearby bathroom and fill it up for her.” Also: “When she had people over, she’d have people on her staff follow her with a portable speaker, playing music — so she could make an entrance with a theme song.” All of this is practical and good. Finally, Katy Perry and Taylor Swift’s blood feud continues apace. Katy Perry went on a date with Harry Styles and ruffled his illustrious hair, but not for sexual reasons but rather for revenge. Taylor reportedly “thinks Katy orchestrated this whole thing just to mess with her” and also “calls her ‘the evil one.'” But that might just be her Illuminati nickname, you know.

GRADE: C (sobbing while describing the plot of Hidalgo to a stranger)