This Week In Tabloids: Madonna's Leaked Tour Rider Is as Bonkers as This Album Cycle

Welcome to Jezebel’s Midweek Madness, where local menace Joan Summers is deep in the throes of the summer slump. The famouses have fled to their yachts and summer beach homes in fear of bloggers everywhere. Little do they know, their absence has only made me stronger!

Let’s dive in!

In Touch:

Though I’ve already reported on a thorough timeline of Bradley Cooper and Irina Shayk’s “relationship,” why not indulge In Touch’s “other side of the story.” As they posit, Irina Shayk decided to leave Bradley Cooper because “he spent much of the past year gushing in interviews about one extremely special woman in his life.”This “mysterious woman,” of course, was Stefani Joanne Ally Maine Angelina Germonatta. Here’s just a sampling of his many descriptions for their time on set:

• “She knows everything about me, everything.”
• “I loved the way she moved, the sound of her voice.”
• “I love her so deeply.”

And while I find their description of Irina Shayk as a “third wheel” to be rude, considering she “lived” with Cooper and shares a child with him—I find it hard to disagree. Lady Gaga even admitted that they played at being in love for the press and attention! A source also claims that Shayk and Cooper are “two very different people who don’t have anything in common.” And, according to a different source, this left a window wide open for Cooper and Gaga to be “openly in love” and “take things to the next level.” Isn’t it strange that all love stories are wrought with the emotional climaxes of mid-level Harry Potter fan fiction? And it wouldn’t be a Hollywood “love story” if it weren’t for a tragic backstory of unrequited feelings and missed connections. The rest is the expected uselessness: Irina Shayk harbors a grudge, Bradley Cooper might not want to have primary custody of their daughter, Lady Gaga has spent the last three years as a giggling schoolgirl, and the downfall of relationships is a lack of “passion.” Okay!

Elsewhere, January Jones opted for a summer lob and Jessie J Decker was photographed at an awards show. Chaos merchants Chris Pine and Katherine Schawzenegger got hitched. Meghan Markle and Kate Middleton declared a truce. Carrie Underwood opened up about “being in a really good place.” A source claimed that Beyoncé’s former assistant, Manuel Mendez, is now “Blue Ivy’s dedicated personal shopper and stylist.” And in the most unsurprising news of the week, tipsters claim that Miranda Lambert’s cop husband has “wanted to be famous since high school.” Who among us can cast the first stone? I’m also troubled by the gossip concerning Bethenny Frankel’s engagement status. After posting photos of a larger than life diamond on Instagram, the hotlines “exploded” with tips. Claims a source:

“She is not saying it, but it’s most likely an engagement ring from Paul [Bernon, 41, her boyfriend of seven months.] He would never propose on camera, so he most likely popped the question in a romantic, private setting, and Bethenny will recreate her engagement on camera for maximum exposure. […] He understands why ‘Brand Bethenny’ is so successful and knows better than to mess with that!”

I went back into my archives with the understanding that she recently revealed the engagement ring given to her by the late Dennis Shields before his death last year. The ring she showed off earlier this season on the Real Housewives of New York, however, is an oval-cut diamond that goes lengthwise along her finger. The ring pictured in this week’s In Touch is clearly square cut. Interesting.

My favorite gossip of the week comes to us via Madonna’s rider leaked “exclusively” to the menaces at In Touch. I’ve transcribed what’s visible of the (alleged) manuscript below:

1. We are requesting a new mattress, extra firm (NO quilt top)—this is of utmost importance. If necessary, a bed board should be placed under the mattress.
2. The windows must have the ability to be completely blacked out. There must not be any light coming through the curtains.
3. If it is not completely black in the room with the curtains closed you will need to neatly tape black-out paper to each window, so that the window can still open.
4. Two bottles of 1.5 litre Volvic Mineral Water.
5. A multi-region DVD player attached to the master bedroom television.
6. A good brand of docking station.
7. An arrangement of simple pale pink roses (not hot pink and no filler) in a small vase. Do not mix displays of these flowers, only one type of flower per arrangement. If it is a large bedroom, then please ensure there are a couple of these vases.
8. Two warm-mist humidifiers (with small tray attached or cup for essential oils) to be placed near the bed and filled with Volvic mineral water.
9. All electrical appliance LED lights to be blacked out (taped over with black electrical tape).
10. Two tall standing fans (must be loud white noise).
11. One extra clothes rail and metal hangers for clothes. (25 pant hangers/50 shirt hangers)
12. Please provide professional height adjustable massage table, however we will need sheets and towels please.
13. Individually operated bedside reading lamps (not on the same switch).
14. Any clothes drawers should be lined with tissue paper.
15. Any bed linen must be new white bed linens, washed once before use, Frette or Pratesi preferred or of high quality with 500+ thread count.
16. There should be no noise from water pumps, electrics, internal hotel noises in this room.
17. Ensure a portable halogen heater is available for use in this room.
18. Please add two small folding tables or side table for makeup or to display jewels.
19. Four power extension strips.
20. We will require direct access and facilities of the nearest kitchen to the suite 24/7. The items listed below should not be charged if not used, should be billed on a separate folio, at cost and if costs are involved, we need to know in advance. Not that there should be no cost for us to be able to use your kitchen facilities: 1 Vitamix blender, 1 food processor, [the page cuts off here]

Isn’t it fascinating that the rich spend most of their time figuring out how to spend as little money as possible?

What else: Alyssa Milano wants to team up with noted prison reform “activist” Kim Kardashian. Frequent Twitter quitter Armie Hammer allegedly thinks he should’ve been Batman. Lisa Vanderpump quit the Real Housewives because “it was a very difficult year for me, personally and professionally.” Sutton Foster promoted Lactaid milk with the Cookie Monster. Dascha Polanco was seen “walking through the all new ‘Ultimate Broadway Experience’ inside Madame Tussauds.” Jamie Chung came out as a sponsored partner of Nair Leg Mask Brighten & Smooth. Mario Lopez opened up about feeding his dogs Greenies dental treats.

As for this week’s blind:

This brunette Victoria’s Secret angel was spied kissing a married, internationally known sports superstar while partying on a yacht in Cannes, France.

My guess? Alessandra Ambrosio or Bella Hadid (and Kendall Jenner). They’re well-documented yachters during the Cannes film festival!

Ok!:

Did any of us realize we were living in a world where Bindi Irwin’s marriage would be the cover story of a nationally distributed tabloid? In 2019? (I’d be lying if I claimed I didn’t perk up at the teaser: “Breathtaking gowns, A-List guests, and exotic animals.”) The daughter of famed alligator wrangler Steve Irwin allegedly married her “longtime love” Chandler Powell in a “secret ceremony at the beloved Australia Zoo.” We’re reminded that she’s a conservationist and he’s a professional wakeboarder, which I’m informed is a romance “bound to happen.” Guests included: Russell Crowe, Chris and Liam Hemsworth, Elsa Pataky, and Miley Cyrus. She also hosted crocodiles, snakes, echidnas as her “exotic party guests.” I’m unsure if they mingled with the other guests, but imagine the conversation Miley Cyrus would make with prehistoric lizards of a steak tartare! Other highlights? Her mom’s tribute to Bindi’s late father brought the room to tears. They played Bob Dylan’s “Wedding Song.” Russell Crowe and Miley Cyrus sang back to back ballads. Oysters were served alongside sushi and vegetarian Italian food. As for photos of the star-studded affair? Not a single picture exists!

Back in America, Katherine Schwarzenegger stepped out with “several shopping bags,” Ree Drummond is allegedly “jealous” of Fixer Upper’s Joanna Gaines, and Rob Pattinson “doesn’t want to wear padding” for a role like Batman. Demi Moore was photographed, Tom Hiddleston is “unlucky in love,” and Sutton Foster continued her Lactaid promotional tour. Julianne Moore wore designer sunglasses to the Veuve Clicquot Polo Classic. John Cena promoted his children’s book. And the summer slump continues, because I was forced to endure the gossip surrounding Shia LaBeouf’s stint inside Kanye West’s cult. Boring! To round out another lackluster week, why not enjoy this helpful list of recently graduated celebrity children?

• Joseph Baena, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s 21-year-old son, graduated with a business degree from Pepperdine University.
• Simone Johnson, The Rock’s 17-year-old daughter, graduated high school and is headed to NYU.
• Natasha Rodriguez, Alex Rodriguez’s 14-year-old daughter, graduated from middle school.
• Frankie Kopelman, Drew Barrymore’s youngest daughter, moved on from preschool.
• Sophia Stallone, Sylvester Stallone’s 22-year-old daughter, received a Journalism degree from USC.
• Prince Jackson, son of Michael Jackson, graduated alongside Latoya Jackson and Blanket Jackson from Loyola Marymount College.

Us Weekly:

This week’s Life & Style involved a “double date in Rome” between Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston, George Clooney, and Amal Clooney. Reader: Let’s want better for ourselves. Instead, I’d like to double down on something I get plenty of requests for: Us Weekly’s iconic staple features, like “Things You Didn’t Know About Me” and “What’s In My Bag.” It’s part of my recent journey on learning to let go of control, especially when the gossip dries up and I’m backed into a corner. And as we strip ourselves bare in the heat of the summer, it will illuminate you to the inner workings of my job parsing this madness. Let’s get into it!

First Look:

This is the section where stars are spotted, red carpets are walked, and publicists crowd the backgrounds of paparazzi shots.

• Eva Longoria wore a poly-blend jumpsuit at Cannes in a bold, mustard yellow.
• Gemma Chan has been seen in Valentino Haute Couture, Miu Miu, Tom Ford, Erdem, Brandon Maxwell, MarkGong, Prabal Gurung, Ralph & Russo Couture, Michael Kors, and Jason Wu. The description of her as “Enchanting Chan” gives a vague impression of orientalism.
• Margot Robbie and Ellie Bamber both paired Chanel blazers with black jumpsuits. The pink, tweed jackets are from the second to last collection designed by Karl Lagerfeld.
• Martha Hunt and Camille Rowe stepped out in matching Christopher Kane bondage dresses. I was shocked to see a toned down Christopher Kane dress (considering the house’s love for color) before I realized that one of the somebodies is a Victoria’s Secret model.
• Izabel Goulart and Angela Basset paired the same floral Etro suit with black bustiers. I forget that Etro’s spring collection featured drawstring waist suit trousers- a federal offense!

Loose Talk:

This is where Us Weekly employs an intern whose sole job is scouring Instagram and reading celebrity tweets. It’s also the section that’s kept Dax Shepard employed for over a decade. (Thanks to Loose Talk, I’ve never seen an episode of James Corden’s late night show but could quote it word for word!)

• Ellen Degeneres: “I saw Magic Mike, and it’s a good show. And if I say that, you know it’s good.”
• Lili Reinhart: “You gonna let us know where you found the fountain of youth, [Jennifer Lopez]?”
• Diplo: [Commenting on a photo of John Legend with son Miles] “Your baby looks like a full grown tiny man that doesn’t want his picture taken.”
• Emma Thompson: “I rushed toward [Prince William] going, ‘Darling, can I kiss you?” and he said “No, you can’t kiss me.”
• Jennifer Aniston: “Adam Sandler doesn’t really have a great wardrobe.”

Hot Pics!

Having aggregated thousands of photos on their dot com, Us Weekly prints those with the largest cache in their print magazine. Usual tropes include: parenting, anyone named Jennifer, men holding babies, and Selena Gomez.

• Jennifer Lopez wearing custom Ralph Lauren at the CFDA fashion awards.
• Beyoncé and the face that broke the internet.
• Paul Rudd and Selena Gomez at a “celebrity softball match.”
• Keith Urban.
• Various models in bikinis.
• Cardi B.
• Britney Spears on a jetski.
• Malin Ackerman at a charity gala.
• Karamo Brown doing an ad for Home Goods.
• Various celebrities at Disneyland.
• Reese Witherspoon posing in front of various backgrounds with her “look alike” daughter.”
• Kate Hudson with a baby.

They’re Just Like Us!

This is the “comedy corner,” where Us Weekly brings in a stand-up from the local Comedy Shack and tasks them with the incredible feat of making jokes about famouses.

• “They need caffeine!”
• “They read!”
• “They try to eat healthy!”
• “They act like tourists!”
• “They eat Froyo!”
• “They play hostess!”
• “They get mani-pedis!”

Us Style

Us Weekly’s commerce spread. This week, we’re offered various rainbow-themed products to buy to celebrate that “Love is Love!”

• $15 Tipsy Elves tassel earrings.
• $100 Polo Ralph Lauren cotton shirt with rainbow collar.
• $225 Alive + Olivia sequin tank top.
• $70 Levi’s cotton shorts.
• $10 Gap tube socks.
• $10 American Eagle denim hat with rainbow patch.
• $100 Fossil watch.
• $35 “Love To All” Madewell t-shirt.
• $145 rainbow Doc Martens.
• $400 Stutterheim rubberized PVC raincoat.
• $60 2(x)IST spandex swim trunks.
• $60 rainbow Banana Republic scarf.

Capitalism!

25 Things You Didn’t Know About Me (with Peter Hermann)

The name speaks for itself.

• 1. A German pretzel with butter is his favorite food.
• 2. Mariska Hargitay, his wife, is the most “influential” person in his life.
• 3. His hidden talent? Science projects!
• 8. “I’d cast Hugh Jackman to play me in a superhero musical about my life.”
• 12. His “mantra is a Robert Frost poem: “Our very life depends on everything’s / Recurring till we answer from within. The thousandth time may prove the charm.”
• 14. “I love ironing.”
• 16. “I’m still getting the hang of podcasts.”
• 17. He hates loud chewing and the word literally.
• 21. He ran with the bulls.
• 23. He once texted Mariska Hargitay: “Have you seen my phone?”
• 25. “I tend to avoid playing board games.”

And that’s it! That’s literally the entire magazine. (The more you write about them, the more you come to understand just how boring they are.)

Enjoy this week’s collage!