This Week in Tabloids: Kim Kardashian Baby Strollers, Baby Sunscreen and Baby Clothes are in the Works
CelebritiesWelcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, we dissect the celebrity tabloids and stick pins in the vital organs of gossip from In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, Jennifer Aniston may or may not have a baby bump; Khloe Kardashian is shattered that her sister is pregnant; and Kim Kardashian is about to make a zillion dollars off of her fetus. Let’s scrub up and get to work, stat!
Ok!
“Kanye Cost Us Millions!”
Kris Jenner and Kanye West are at “war” over the baby, except it’s not really a war, and it’s not yet a baby but still a fetus. Apparently Kanye “refuses” to market his first child, and is taking cues from Beyoncé and Jay-Z as to how to have a family life separate from your public life. But a source says “Kris is licking her lips in anticipation,” thinking of numerous ways to cash in. Basically, picture a cartoon villain rubbing his hands together and drooling. Only time will tell how the exploitation will go! The only other story of note in this issue is “Brad & Angie Inside the Honeymoon,” in which sources claim Brangelina are planning an exotic and romantic trip: Angelina has commissioned “special” silk lingerie; Brad is arranging for candles, champagne, rose petals and chocolate fondue. Wait, no white tigers carrying Syrian refugee flowergirls? Harrumph. This sounds just like a regular honeymoon.
Grade: F (fecal matter)
Life & Style
“How Stars Slim Down Fast!”
Kelly Osbourne gave up soda and replaced it with water. Hilary Duff does boxing workouts. Jennifer Lopez drinks Tracy Anderson’s Wellness shakes. And so on. Zzzzz. Moving on! Khloe Kardashian is “heartbroken” over Kim’s pregnancy, according to insiders: “She’s depressed that it wasn’t her.” Jennifer Aniston was “hiding” her stomach while on vacation in Mexico, which means she is pregnant, although the photos don’t really support that claim: Though she did wear a sarong and a sweatshirt, you can see her navel, if you care to. (Fig. 1) But considering the fact that these images were taken from a boat with a super long lens, how is she “hiding” anything? Oh wait: Women, your bodies are always fodder for public consumption. Never forget.
Grade: D- (inflamed appendix)
In Touch
“It’s Just Not Fair!”
Khloe Kardashian was spotted at a basketball game wearing all black, looking pale, and wearing dark wine lipstick, “like she was in mourning.” (Fig. 2) Now that Kim is pregnant — after Khloe’s been trying so hard — Khloe is “shattered” and “hearbroken” and “desperate to be a mom.” Sigh. A more entertaining story is “The Wedding the World Is Talking About,” in which a red carpet photo of Brad and Angelina has been pasted onto a sunset beach wedding scene complete with chuppah and chairs for non-existent guests. (Fig. 3) The story claims that Brad and Angie got married in Turks and Caicos during a Christmas trip, and the proof offered is that the whole family dressed up and had a big dinner. Which no one does during the holidays. That kind of thing is only done for nuptials. Next up, if you missed Snooki’s new teeth, take a gander. (Fig. 4) And finally, an interview with drag queen Tyra Sanchez is titled “I’m Just a Regular Dad,” with an adorable pic of 7-year-old Jeremiah brushing his father’s wig.
Grade: D (bruised spleen)