Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, we dissect the celebrity tabloids and stick pins in the vital organs of gossip from In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, Jennifer Aniston may or may not have a baby bump; Khloe Kardashian is shattered that her sister is pregnant; and Kim Kardashian is about to make a zillion dollars off of her fetus. Let's scrub up and get to work, stat!
Ok!
"Kanye Cost Us Millions!"
Kris Jenner and Kanye West are at "war" over the baby, except it's not really a war, and it's not yet a baby but still a fetus. Apparently Kanye "refuses" to market his first child, and is taking cues from Beyoncé and Jay-Z as to how to have a family life separate from your public life. But a source says "Kris is licking her lips in anticipation," thinking of numerous ways to cash in. Basically, picture a cartoon villain rubbing his hands together and drooling. Only time will tell how the exploitation will go! The only other story of note in this issue is "Brad & Angie Inside the Honeymoon," in which sources claim Brangelina are planning an exotic and romantic trip: Angelina has commissioned "special" silk lingerie; Brad is arranging for candles, champagne, rose petals and chocolate fondue. Wait, no white tigers carrying Syrian refugee flowergirls? Harrumph. This sounds just like a regular honeymoon.
Grade: F (fecal matter)
Life & Style
"How Stars Slim Down Fast!"
Kelly Osbourne gave up soda and replaced it with water. Hilary Duff does boxing workouts. Jennifer Lopez drinks Tracy Anderson's Wellness shakes. And so on. Zzzzz. Moving on! Khloe Kardashian is "heartbroken" over Kim's pregnancy, according to insiders: "She's depressed that it wasn't her." Jennifer Aniston was "hiding" her stomach while on vacation in Mexico, which means she is pregnant, although the photos don't really support that claim: Though she did wear a sarong and a sweatshirt, you can see her navel, if you care to. (Fig. 1) But considering the fact that these images were taken from a boat with a super long lens, how is she "hiding" anything? Oh wait: Women, your bodies are always fodder for public consumption. Never forget.
Grade: D- (inflamed appendix)
In Touch
"It's Just Not Fair!"
Khloe Kardashian was spotted at a basketball game wearing all black, looking pale, and wearing dark wine lipstick, "like she was in mourning." (Fig. 2) Now that Kim is pregnant — after Khloe's been trying so hard — Khloe is "shattered" and "hearbroken" and "desperate to be a mom." Sigh. A more entertaining story is "The Wedding the World Is Talking About," in which a red carpet photo of Brad and Angelina has been pasted onto a sunset beach wedding scene complete with chuppah and chairs for non-existent guests. (Fig. 3) The story claims that Brad and Angie got married in Turks and Caicos during a Christmas trip, and the proof offered is that the whole family dressed up and had a big dinner. Which no one does during the holidays. That kind of thing is only done for nuptials. Next up, if you missed Snooki's new teeth, take a gander. (Fig. 4) And finally, an interview with drag queen Tyra Sanchez is titled "I'm Just a Regular Dad," with an adorable pic of 7-year-old Jeremiah brushing his father's wig.
Grade: D (bruised spleen)
Us
"Bethenny's $100 Million Divorce"
It remains unclear whether or not this split is real or a publicity stunt, but in this story, sources claim Jason Hoppy "feels used," like Bethenny Frankel just wanted him for a baby. He feels like he gave up his career for her, she treated him like garbage, and tossed him aside when she didn't need him anymore. Bethenny is "obsessive about her career," and Jason feels like he collaborated with her and therefore is entitled to a cut of the Skinnygirl and reality TV profits. Story developing, let's move on. Good news for Kate Middleton: She's safely in her second trimester now. Ann Curry might move to CNN since her former NBC boss Jeff Zucker starts his new job at CNN this month. Despite what IMDB says, James Van Der Beek's middle name is David, not William, according to James Van Der Beek. In Bieber news, he and Selena Gomez have broken up for good. In Lindsay news, her suite the W hotel had so many cigarette burns, they had to change all the carpets. Kim and Kanye are ready to be parents: She doesn't want the baby to be seen for the first six months and is pulling back from being so public; he is already buying designer baby clothes and working with Riccardo Tisci on the "dopest nursery ever." Also, Yeezy is "dying to propose," but Kim is technically still married — so Kanye is considering paying Kris Humphries off to make him go away. Ah, romance! Last, but not least: 3 out of 3 Teen Mom tattoos are hideous. (Fig. 5)
Grade: B- (enlarged heart)
Star
"New Fears For Kate"
A huge pullquote on this story about Will and Kate reads: "Since her sickness began, they have stopped having sex!" SHOCKER. Anyway, palace sources claim KMid has "grown weaker" since leaving the hospital and is on an emergency food program to try and build up her strength. Queen Elizabeth is so distressed, she calls for daily medical bulletins. But! The Queen is also expecting to have final approval on the baby's name. Also inside: After his latest drunken binge and third arrest, Diane Lane is considering leaving hubby Josh Brolin. Mariah Carey is on the purple diet: Three days a week she eats purple foods like plums, grapes and eggplants. Does she also listen to Prince? A body language expert looked at grainy photos of J'Anthrax in Mexico and decided that there is "trouble in paradise." If you don't hug someone every single moment of your vacation, your relationship is DOOMED. Also, check out Jen doing "implosion," which looks more like "farting." (Fig. 6) "Demi's Hot Holiday" is a story about how Demi Moore went to Bikini Boot Camp in Mexico, where she spent Christmas doing yoga, Zumba, and circuit training, as well as getting massages and hooking up with younger men. Let the church say YOLO. Finally, Kim Kardashian has big plans for her unborn child: She and her mother are in talks with E! about a special focusing on the birth; Kim is negotiating with three stroller companies, working on a book deal, a series of motherhood DVDs, a children's clothing line, a baby sunscreen, and a children's makeup collection. In addition, a "friend" tells the mag: "Kim is already planning the baby's name, so she can have it trademarked before it's born." KashKow, right? Is it KashKow?
Grade: C (damaged liver)
Addendum
Fig. 1, from Life & Style
Fig. 2, from In Touch
Fig. 3, from In Touch
Fig. 4, from In Touch
Fig. 5, from Us
Fig. 6, from Star
DISCUSSION
What was wrong with Snooki's "before" teeth? They look both white and straight. But anyway, she's starting to look like someone else now. Not quite Alyssa Milano ... maybe Alyssa Milano crossed with the dark-haired Teen Mom that's always in these Midweek Madnesses? Or that girl who was in Puffy's girl group but then struck out on her own for a second before disappearing? I can't put my finger on who she looks like in that picture, other than Not Snooki.