This Week In Tabloids: Kendall Jenner and Lord Disick Are Doing Sex
CelebritiesWelcome to Midweek Madness, where we crush our birth control pills into a fine dust and release them into the Santa Ana winds, howling the ancient words (inTouch, OK!, Life & Style, Star, Us Weekly) under the light of the moon. This week: the Kardashian family has imploded, Selena Gomez is pregs via Zedd but pining for Bieber, Jennifer Aniston is getting married in Cabo, and Scott Disick and Kendall Jenner are sexually involved.
Let’s dance.
inTouch
KARDASHIANS AT WAR OVER BRUCE BECOMING A WOMAN
The Kardashians, a distant clan from the East rumored to be “ruled by greed,” are “totally at war.” We know this because a Kardashian source said: “Privately, they are totally at war.” Kris is really torn because on the one hand she’s a proud bigot but on the other hand, “If Bruce discusses his transformation on KUWTK, she knows it would be a ratings bonanza.” Luckily, there’s a fix for this: editing! Hopefully, “he comes off more as free-spirited hippie than a man who’s becoming a woman.” Next season on Keeping Up: Bruce goes to Burning Man, develops line of chill caftans. There are so many sides to this issue, it’s like one of those dice that has a bunch of different sides: Kim and Kanye “don’t want to be associated with Bruce’s new look,” Khloe “is Bruce’s biggest cheerleader,” and Kylie is “in denial”; she told a friend: “My father isn’t transgender—he’s just having fun right now.”
Former Bachelorette Desiree and her exciting, creative husband Chris are having the most ameeezeeeen time on their honeymoon in an under-the-radar locale called Hawaii. Des: “We wanted our honeymoon to be an adventure.” Des: “It really is like paradise here!” The pair “couldn’t wait” to try paddle-boarding (“I fell once,” noted Des, a brave smile trembling upon her lips). Jennifer Aniston is, at 46, finally ready to give pregnancy a shot: “She’s been taking supplements like choline and fertility herbs, including chasteberry,” says a local witch. LeAnn Rhimes‘ ex Dean Sheremet is “finally ready to share his side of the story” after years of “suffering in silence.” LeAnn deserves it, tho, because “she openly cheated on him, which is embarrassing for a man.” Ahhhhhhhhhhh. Dean left his marriage with approximately four items to his name: “He got two of their seven dogs, the kitchen appliances and a couch.”
Elsewhere in the Valley, Kim Richards “threw a fit at a Whole Foods on Jan. 17 after learning that the store may have been out of her favorite salmon salad” (same, except it was Buck’s Tuna Salad on Jan. 14); and inTouch asked Lisa Rinna, “What’s one fact about you that might surprise us?” Answer: “I don’t like clowns!” TOO MUCH LOVE IN MY <3 FOR L.R. TO MAKE A JOKE HERE SORRYYYY. Miscellany: is-she-or-isnt-she (schizophrenic) Bachelor contestant Ashley S. was totally faking it. IMO, says a “childhood pal,” “she went on the show thinking it was real and started seeing the fakeness of reality TV.” And was like, maybe if I make out with an onion that’ll even things out. And finally, let’s take a trip to Philly and check in on Jon Gosselin’s DJing career: “I love it,” says the father of 20. “I get to have a good time with my friends, play the music that I like and have a day to myself.” If anyone deserves it, it’s you, Jon!
Grade: A (Waking up on your college president’s lawn in the fall of 2008 dressed as a cocktail shrimp.)
Life & Style
PREGNANT BY ONE MAN, IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER
On the set of her new movie in Atlanta, Selena Gomez “missed the sun, the sand, her friends—and a time when she wasn’t freaked out about being pregnant.” Girl, same. “She thinks she could be pregnant because she has gained so much weight lately,” says an enemy. “She isn’t the best at taking birth control, so she is majorly stressing.” Selena is struggling to choose between two in-cred-i-ble specimens: Justine Bieber and DJ Zedd (real name Anton Zaslavski). It’s all very homeric, explains a pal: “It’s the classic ‘good girl wanting a bad boy’ thing. Zedd is sweet and she felt something deeper could have developed, but he doesn’t stir things up for her [[[sexually]]] like Justin does.” Sidebar: We can all breathe a collective sigh of relief to learn that Zedd’s house is “kid-friendly” because it has a heated saltwater pool.