This Week In Tabloids: Kate and William Are Moving To America!!!!!!!!!

Miley Cyrus’s friends are “concerned” about her health now that the “5-foot-5 singer appears to be wasting away.” Life & Style says the “recommended weight range for someone Miley’s height is 119 pounds to 149 pounds,” and Miley only weighs 99. She goes “days without eating any real, solid food” and instead just eats “Twiz bars and jelly beans” – causing her “bones [to jut out.]” Friends say it’s because of her recent breakup, and a “nutrition expert” named Dr. Fred Pescatore says she “needs to eat more.” (I wonder if he has a book called The Pescatorian Diet.) Anyway, back to Miley. Friends and family (even Billy Ray) are worried, but she is not.

The Duggars get everything free! The family—estimated to be worth $5M—has been able to afford so many things because most of it is comped! All those weddings for all those children were free because of sponsors, their home was mostly free after help from Discovery, their trips are “likely” paid for by TLC, and all their appliances were donated. But all that will probably end soon. Yep. No more free stuff for the Duggars anymore.

Kim Kardashian, currently pregnant with a boy or twins or triplets or a baker’s dozen, is being “tortured by Kanye’s fashion demands.” An insider says “he has no clue how uncomfortable she is” in the clothes he forces her to wear, and “thinks he’s a style genius.” Even though Kim’s feet hurt, he won’t allow her to wear sneakers. Even though she’s bloating, all her clothes must be formfitting. Imagine Kim’s water breaking or mucus plug poppin’ open and Kanye looking at her pants saying, “You’d better change before we go to the hospital or I’m not driving you.”

And Also:

• Who-lebrity Divorce Alert: Mike Shouhed and Jessica Parido are “calling it quits!”
• Who-lebrity Divorce Alert: Scheana Marie kicked Mike Shay out of their house!
• Ryan Gosling “can’t stand” George Clooney.
• Anna Faris drank Fiji water in public.
• Robert Pattinson invited Kristen Stewart to his wedding to FKA Twigs.
• Rihanna’s dating an athlete. “Oh na na, what’s the game,” you ask? Soccer.
• Wear “leafy green” prints or I will force you to eat pounds and pounds of leafy greens…without dressing.
• If you don’t wear colorful stripes this week I will buy you a ticket to Jurassic World (the park, not the movie) and set the pterodactyls loose.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: F (The rival dinosaur theme park starts serving Dippin Dots, and yours doesn’t even serve present-day ice cream.)

OK!

KATE & WILLIAM MOVING TO AMERICA! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Kate and William rented a “massive Hamptons estate” for the summer! Can you believe it? It’ll be like Grey Gardens, only with more babies and weirder accents. The family is apparently “househunting,” and their extended family is furious. A source says “the Queen is not happy at all, and that’s putting it mildly.” Though, to be fair, I doubt the Queen is ever happy about anything. If you told me the last time the Queen was happy was in 1964, I would believe you. God, I hope this is true. If only because it would give Kelly so many amazing content opportunities this summer.

Scott Disick had sex with a stripper in Scottsdale, Arizona, didn’t use a condom, got her pregnant, and now he’s freaking the hell out. Insiders say “After spending a mere 30 minutes at [a strip club], Scott invited his newly recruited harem back to his suite at the W Hotel in Scottsdale” and got her pregnant. OK even managed to get a photo of the alleged “baby mama”:

This is a very good issue.

And Also:

• Kim Richards is leaving RHOBH for good.
• Amal Clooney hired a stylist.
• Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx’s relationship is “finally getting serious.”
• Jennifer Aniston is lonely as hell.
• Cameron Diaz and Benji Madden are so in love that they’ve “put on weight.”
• Tony Danza rollerbladed through Central Park.
• Bradley Cooper’s mother HATES his new girlfriend. Hmmmmmmmmmm.

Grade C+ (The raptors escape at your rival’s dinosaur park. People die, so it’s a tragedy, but your attendance goes up.)

Duggar Weekly inTouch

WORLD EXCLUSIVE: DUGGARS UNDER NEW INVESTIGATION

The best part of this week’s inTouch Duggar story, if there is one, is the lead image. Layered on top of a photo of the family is a screengrab of a Washington Post headline that reads: “To get the Josh Duggar story, InTouch utilized solid investigative journalism.” A not-so-subtle reminder that they did some actual reporting and broke a legitimate news story. The rest of the story is as dreary as the rest of the Duggar coverage we’ve grown accustomed to over the past few weeks. InTouch “exclusively obtained audio of” a 911 call from May 27 in which an investigator Department of Human Services wanted the police to check on “the welfare of a minor child.” It’s unclear why, but I’m sure we’ll know the full details soon.

Moving on, Tom Cruise is in looooooovvvvvvvvvvve! The lucky (unlucky?) lady is Lola Kirke (who?) – his “20-something” costar in the upcoming film Mena (what?). A pal says “he’s already sizing her up to be wife No. 4!” Reasons to believe the pal:

• “One day, he walked up behind her and was caressing her back.”
• “They had a long conversation [after she smiled at him].”
• “She’s told others on the production how handsome and invigorating she finds Tom.”
• “She can’t help but be attracted to him [despite hearing] Scientology stories.”

Meanwhile:

Interview Response of the Week: Jerry Ferrara

“It Me” of the Week:

And Also:

• Brangelina might be over.
• Rihanna might be in love.
• Scott Disick might be drunk right now.
• Jessica Simpson might be drunk and on Adderall right now.
• Brandy Norwood might be watching herself on YouTube right now.
• Scott Eastwood might not own a shirt.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: D- (Gwyneth Paltrow, Chris Martin, and their children vacation at your dinosaur theme park.)

Appendix:

Fig. 1: Star

Fig. 2: Life & Style

Fig. 3: InTouch