This Week in Tabloids: Kardashian Pets Are Mysteriously Disappearing

Welcome to Midweek Madness, in which an overexcited fairy flaps her wings over all of America and gently drops a tiny poop on each of your heads. This week, all the tabloids are Platonic ideals of garbage, and together we unravel the mystery of the disappearing Kardashian pets, the cup size of Ariana Grande’s Future Boobs, and the contemporary analogue of Schrodinger’s cat (how Jennifer Aniston can be simultaneously single and planning her wedding and furious at a third party—a sexy hurricane named Odile).

“IT’S OVER!”

Buckle up, we are in for a ride through extremely salty water. Exhibit A: Dane Cook is described by the magazine as “actor and (alleged) comedian”—why the parentheses even?—and Kate Hudson is described by Dane Cook as having “purposely ate a feast of onions” before a kissing scene. Well, we can’t be accidentally housing several dozen quarts of onions, can we? It’s as Eleanor Roosevelt once put it, “The purpose of life is to eat a feast of onions.” Amy Adams filled her cart with groceries. “DOOMSDAY PREPPING?” bellowed Cthulhu. “WORLD EXCLUSIVE”: Dean McDermott wrote his ex a love letter. This is upsetting primarily because the ex in question gives Tori Spelling a copy of the letter on camera on her reality show; reading the letter makes Tori realize that Dean writes similar letters to her all the time, and all of love is a fraud. My theory: this letter is upsetting is because McDermott wrote You truly are an amazing women and then corrected the “e” to an “a.” I’m sorry, I don’t mean McDermott, I mean, some PA on Tori’s TV show. In political news, the Kennedys feel “ATTACKED” by Katie Holmes because she’s starring in another Kennedy miniseries for something called ReelzChannel. But Katie is “willing to face down powerful enemies for the sake of her art and her career.” *Katie Holmes reenacts the William Wallace freedom scene while waving a flag printed with ReelzChannel logo* Here’s the cover story: Justin Theroux “got cold feet” and “pulled the plug.” He… is dead… and then killed someone else??? He “poured salt in Jen’s wounds” and her “eyes have been opened.” Jen is being mummified according to ancient Mesopotamian custom?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! MY GAWD. No wonder they keep postponing their wedding—sorry, their “nups.” 8 different Kardashian pets have gone missing. Please pray for “Dolce: Hairless Chihuahua” and “Bernard Hopkins.” Angelina Jolie believes she was a Buddhist monk in a past life. This is why she adopted Maddox from Cambodia, purportedly, which was SUCH a monkish thing to do! Demi Lovato and Demi Moore call each other “DM” and “DL,” as in slide into your and I think he’s on the. “They’re super into being sober,” says the source. Ariana Grande is “ready for a boob job.” She wants a full B or C-cup. IDK Ariana, boobs are always greener, etc. SOME FAMOUS PEOPLE ARE CURRENTLY NOT ON DIETS! Mischa Barton “having snack attacks.” *calls work to say I’m laid up with debilitating snack attacks*

Grade: F (getting Indian takeout with somebody that tries to put it in your butt right after)

“I Won’t Betray My Beliefs”

Incredible scientific advances regarding the vocal boxes of Anseriformes Anatidae has brought us to this cover story: A Duck Daughter Tells All! She’s dating now! Dating other ducks, I assume! Be careful of those CORKSCREW DICKS, gurl! Blake Lively is “glowing,” “showing,” and TALKIN BOUT HUBBY. “He’s always good to me,” Blake says. “That’s, like, a jerky thing to say because you want to be able to complain about your husband.” She spends a couple more seconds glowing forcefully at the reporter and then retreats into her limousine, where she checks a note on her iPhone. “That’s right, isn’t it, baby?” she asks Ryan. “Humans find it… humorous… to joke about spousal behavior?” Channing Tatum used to live on $6 a day and was afraid to ask girls out because he “couldn’t afford dinner at Chili’s.” *orders an XL appetizer queso* Hey Channing *orders two Presidente margaritas* oh Hey Some things you don’t know about Allison Janney: she was a former teen figure skater; a casting director once told her she’d only play aliens because she’s six feet tall; she’s great at playing Whac-a-Mole. *cries because of how badly I want to get high and play Whac-a-Mole with Allison Janney* Kristen Bell is in her third trimester and her 19-month daughter Lincoln has started offering Bell’s stomach water and snacks. Kristen Bell’s like “COOL…………………………………….. where’s the sloth though.” Jon Gosselin has been evicted from his home in Pennyslvania because he aint pay his rent. It is more miraculous, honestly, that this real-life evil Teletubby was ever able to earn any money to pay rent at all. Dakota Johnson, lead in the Fifty Shades movie, “isn’t coming off sexy enough. Ana needs to be naive, not a dishrag.” *looks at a dishrag* that’s true…. The young female duck on the cover of this magazine says her clothes are “daddy-approved” not as a rule, but out of respect for her duck dad and her duck god. She also tweeted that she only reads the last line of books—not bad, for a duck! Kate Middleton sent a handwritten note “to Malta” apologizing for her no-show status at her first “solo assignment as a royal.” What do you think her sign-off was? Warmly, Kate “Malta Lover” The Great. All best, Catherine Princess Loves Her Little George Baby Cheekies Soooo Pudgy Hehehehehe Jesus Christ I’ve Been In This Room For So Damn Long LOL Malta Wish I Was Inside You HAHAHAAAA. “Count Joe Giudice out of carpool duty.” I didn’t know he was a count!!!!!!! Congratulations to Joe Giudice on getting out of carpool duty because he’s titled as FUUCk

Grade: F (fountainous nosebleed while giving presentation to your whole company)

“Stars Without Makeup!”

“ANYONE UP FOR AN A-LIST WEENIE ROAST?” screams Star magazine (Kathy Bates likes to go camping). Khloe Kardashian has a new sworn enemy. *braces self for amazing gossip* IT’S FOOD!!! *we all collectively go fuck ourselves* Nick Cannon “got cozy” with Amber Rose at the club. Uhhhhhhh can we Celebrity Death Match the hell out of the love-hate ex-sex-octagon conjured by this scenario? Juliette Lewis bought a 92-year-old lady some toilet paper at a North Carolina Harris Teeter and helped her get back into the nursing home van. “TP Hero!” howls Star in celebration. Hilary Swank secretly pays people’s vet bills. Vets in Los Angeles supposedly have her on speed-dial to take care of the needy! She has a foundation called HILAROO! Matt Lauer’s wife Annette filed for divorce back in 2006; Star got the papers, which call Lauer’s behavior “cruel and inhumane.” Annette withdrew the divorce petition soon after filing, potentially because she was pregnant with their third child. 🙁 LEO DUMPED! Whatever man, some people dump like 3x a day. Zac Efron is dating a tech executive named Sami Miro who has a master’s degree, speaks French and was a Junior Olympics gymnastics champ. Good that more male celebrities are joining Men In General and starting to punch way out of their league. Tori Spelling is going to give Dean McDermott a vasectomy for his 48th birthday. *opens birthday present to find disembodied vas deferens* Awwwww!!! *gently covers it up with lilac tissue paper* Awww *starts crying* that’s so sweeettttt OH GOD, HERE’S THE MAKEUP-FREE GARBAGE DUMP. Everyone looks…. pretty chill! Bruce Jenner is maybe dating Kris Jenner’s friend and former assistant Ronda Kamihira. This questionable information is shored up with a quote from Ronda’s ex’s autobiography, in which Ronda arouses such a “totally overpowering” lust in him that they are FORCED BY HORMONES to bang repeatedly in a walk-in refrigerator. But also—suggests a troll doll speaking to you from underneath the train tracks—maybe Kris Jenner is spreading these rumors to take the heat off Bruce’s trans swag. Jon Gosselin abandoned a TINY KITTY NAMED MILLY when he was evicted from his house. *wields enormous sword over head* GOSSELIN, YOU’VE REALLY DONE IT NOW In a 2009 interview, Kesha said she’d never known her father; her father told Star that he played an “active role” in raising her. This somehow is connected to the Dr. Luke thing *cries for six hours because life is a nightmare* After raging hard with Lily Allen in LA, Harry Styles had his friend pull over on the 101 so he could jump out and “violently vomit” on the side of the highway. NOICE

Grade: F (eight-week yeast infection that just KEEPS GETTIN WORSE, BABE)

“Kardashian Sisters Dumped By Their Men!”

Lena Dunham has “only been eating foods that are the same color as [her] hair.” VERY cool! Jennifer Aniston is calling off her wedding because of Hurricane Odile. Justin kindly explained that the universe was telling them they shouldn’t get married. Jennifer never imagined that “a hurricane named Odile would wreck her happily ever after.” She places a Lara Croft doll inside a miniaturized wind tunnel, writes ODILE on her forehead, bathes the doll in blood. Kanye dumped Kim on her birthday! That is what the headline says. Supporting evidence includes Kanye packing his bags for Europe and going away to do some work on his next album. “She is literally the last person to know about Kanye’s plans,” says a source. LITERALLY! Scott Disick is “torturing” Kourtney K. That’s illegal! But partying like an absolute monster is not, so carry on. Tori Spelling’s mom Candy has “virtually adopted” Tatum O’Neal as her “replacement daughter.” (“Virtually adopted” = invited her to a party where the main decor was a “cluster of giant faux toadstools.”) Life & Style asks a respected doctor composed of 100 Life & Style readers whether Kate Middleton is pregnant with twins. 83% of the doctor said yes! Congratulations to Kate Middleton on her translucent midsection. Chris Brown is back with Karrueche Tran but still liking Rihanna’s Instagram pics. HOW CAN HE BE TRANSGRESSING SO BOLDLY WHEN SHE’S NOT EVEN ON INSTAGRAM ANYMORE Zac Efron bought 195,488 High School Musical dolls and he is going to live inside them in Los Feliz. Sorry, he spent the price of 195,488 HSM dolls to buy a house. Here’s a retrospective through the last ten years of this magazine. “A-Listers Can’t Stop Showing Us Their Babies,” brags Life & Style. Same! Jennie Garth’s favorite cocktail is “straight vodka.” Of course it is.

Grade: F (pooping at a public pool and a baby crawls into your stall and screams)

“Finally Married!”

WHAT? I thought Jen & Justin had broken up? And they were both pulling plugs and pouring salt all over each other and their feet were turning to ice???? *consults the Oracle of Delphi to ascertain if tabloids tell the truth* Mila Kunis is trying to lose 45 pounds. I bet that she is not. Kendall Jenner is trying to get a secret boob job. She’ll get in the Victoria’s Secret show regardless!!!! Taylor Swift plans to kidnap Selena Gomez. *calls the police screaming* Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have two nannies per child; Angelina “would love to hire a few more nannies.” LOL. Uh, can I have a nanny, for me? Ashton Kutcher painted a picture of a beaver, with his feet, for a commercial, for some piece of new electronics called Lenovo Yoga. What A Time to Be Alive!!!!! Nick Cannon “has a dagger in his heart.” *rushes Nick Cannon to the hospital* Justin Theroux and Jennifer Aniston are going to get married at Christmas and it’s gonna be in New York City and Terry Richardson’s gonna take the pictures, sobbed some anonymous psycho on the OK! tipline answering machine. Shia The Beef is rehabilitating his image. After he was thrown in jail for 24 hours (“They put a Hannibal mask on me and a lead jacket,” he said; was this the JAIL OF THE HUMAN IMAGINATION??) he decided to get his life back on track. “I had some hiccups,” he said. Just drink water upside down!! “Is Jill [Duggar] the ultimate hipster?” I’m going to say ABSOLUTELY. She’s already assisted in more than 70 at-home births (lol are you kidding me that is TEXTBOOK hipster) and is planning to “manage the pain and chaos of childbirth with the Word of God.” Amal and George Alamuddin’s starter home is a nine-bedroom, 17th-century, $16 million manor on the bank of the River Thames. *frowns at sticky spot on the floor of my apartment* hmm. Kylie Jenner has a “disappearing/reappearing mouth, cheekbones and hair.” Congratulations to Kylie Jenner for a face gaping with spectral and capricious holes.

Grade: F (band-aid falling into family-size spinach artichoke dip)

Addendum:

Fig. 1, Life & Style

Fig. 2-4, InTouch