This Week in Tabloids: Kardashian Pets Are Mysteriously Disappearing
Welcome to Midweek Madness, in which an overexcited fairy flaps her wings over all of America and gently drops a tiny poop on each of your heads. This week, all the tabloids are Platonic ideals of garbage, and together we unravel the mystery of the disappearing Kardashian pets, the cup size of Ariana Grande’s Future Boobs, and the contemporary analogue of Schrodinger’s cat (how Jennifer Aniston can be simultaneously single and planning her wedding and furious at a third party—a sexy hurricane named Odile).
InTouch
“IT’S OVER!”
Buckle up, we are in for a ride through extremely salty water. Exhibit A: Dane Cook is described by the magazine as “actor and (alleged) comedian”—why the parentheses even?—and Kate Hudson is described by Dane Cook as having “purposely ate a feast of onions” before a kissing scene. Well, we can’t be accidentally housing several dozen quarts of onions, can we? It’s as Eleanor Roosevelt once put it, “The purpose of life is to eat a feast of onions.” Amy Adams filled her cart with groceries. “DOOMSDAY PREPPING?” bellowed Cthulhu. “WORLD EXCLUSIVE”: Dean McDermott wrote his ex a love letter. This is upsetting primarily because the ex in question gives Tori Spelling a copy of the letter on camera on her reality show; reading the letter makes Tori realize that Dean writes similar letters to her all the time, and all of love is a fraud. My theory: this letter is upsetting is because McDermott wrote You truly are an amazing women and then corrected the “e” to an “a.” I’m sorry, I don’t mean McDermott, I mean, some PA on Tori’s TV show. In political news, the Kennedys feel “ATTACKED” by Katie Holmes because she’s starring in another Kennedy miniseries for something called ReelzChannel. But Katie is “willing to face down powerful enemies for the sake of her art and her career.” *Katie Holmes reenacts the William Wallace freedom scene while waving a flag printed with ReelzChannel logo* Here’s the cover story: Justin Theroux “got cold feet” and “pulled the plug.” He… is dead… and then killed someone else??? He “poured salt in Jen’s wounds” and her “eyes have been opened.” Jen is being mummified according to ancient Mesopotamian custom?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! MY GAWD. No wonder they keep postponing their wedding—sorry, their “nups.” 8 different Kardashian pets have gone missing. Please pray for “Dolce: Hairless Chihuahua” and “Bernard Hopkins.” Angelina Jolie believes she was a Buddhist monk in a past life. This is why she adopted Maddox from Cambodia, purportedly, which was SUCH a monkish thing to do! Demi Lovato and Demi Moore call each other “DM” and “DL,” as in slide into your and I think he’s on the. “They’re super into being sober,” says the source. Ariana Grande is “ready for a boob job.” She wants a full B or C-cup. IDK Ariana, boobs are always greener, etc. SOME FAMOUS PEOPLE ARE CURRENTLY NOT ON DIETS! Mischa Barton “having snack attacks.” *calls work to say I’m laid up with debilitating snack attacks*
Grade: F (getting Indian takeout with somebody that tries to put it in your butt right after)
US Weekly
“I Won’t Betray My Beliefs”
Incredible scientific advances regarding the vocal boxes of Anseriformes Anatidae has brought us to this cover story: A Duck Daughter Tells All! She’s dating now! Dating other ducks, I assume! Be careful of those CORKSCREW DICKS, gurl! Blake Lively is “glowing,” “showing,” and TALKIN BOUT HUBBY. “He’s always good to me,” Blake says. “That’s, like, a jerky thing to say because you want to be able to complain about your husband.” She spends a couple more seconds glowing forcefully at the reporter and then retreats into her limousine, where she checks a note on her iPhone. “That’s right, isn’t it, baby?” she asks Ryan. “Humans find it… humorous… to joke about spousal behavior?” Channing Tatum used to live on $6 a day and was afraid to ask girls out because he “couldn’t afford dinner at Chili’s.” *orders an XL appetizer queso* Hey Channing *orders two Presidente margaritas* oh Hey Some things you don’t know about Allison Janney: she was a former teen figure skater; a casting director once told her she’d only play aliens because she’s six feet tall; she’s great at playing Whac-a-Mole. *cries because of how badly I want to get high and play Whac-a-Mole with Allison Janney* Kristen Bell is in her third trimester and her 19-month daughter Lincoln has started offering Bell’s stomach water and snacks. Kristen Bell’s like “COOL…………………………………….. where’s the sloth though.” Jon Gosselin has been evicted from his home in Pennyslvania because he aint pay his rent. It is more miraculous, honestly, that this real-life evil Teletubby was ever able to earn any money to pay rent at all. Dakota Johnson, lead in the Fifty Shades movie, “isn’t coming off sexy enough. Ana needs to be naive, not a dishrag.” *looks at a dishrag* that’s true…. The young female duck on the cover of this magazine says her clothes are “daddy-approved” not as a rule, but out of respect for her duck dad and her duck god. She also tweeted that she only reads the last line of books—not bad, for a duck! Kate Middleton sent a handwritten note “to Malta” apologizing for her no-show status at her first “solo assignment as a royal.” What do you think her sign-off was? Warmly, Kate “Malta Lover” The Great. All best, Catherine Princess Loves Her Little George Baby Cheekies Soooo Pudgy Hehehehehe Jesus Christ I’ve Been In This Room For So Damn Long LOL Malta Wish I Was Inside You HAHAHAAAA. “Count Joe Giudice out of carpool duty.” I didn’t know he was a count!!!!!!! Congratulations to Joe Giudice on getting out of carpool duty because he’s titled as FUUCk
Grade: F (fountainous nosebleed while giving presentation to your whole company)
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