This Week In Tabloids: Julianne Hough, a Podcast, and a Sex Therapist Walk Into a Bar

Welcome to Jezebel’s Midweek Madness, where local menace Joan Summers spent the better part of her morning scouring the crevices between bikini spreads for some much needed gossip.

Reader, I failed in that effort, but I can’t be blamed for trying! Let’s dive in.

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In Touch:

My fear of making enemies with the ever powerful Carole Radziwell haunted me for days before ever cracking open this cover story. Moving on! Hayden Panettiere—who’s suffered enough troubling press this summer—is now embroiled in rumors of domestic abuse. I won’t indulge them! The reckless abandon with which the tabloids breathlessly cover narratives of intimate partner violence is parasitic and shameful. Instead, I’d like to point out that People “broke” a story this week that Panettiere hasn’t seen her daughter in months, disregarding that me and the major tabloids pointed out the gossip back in February. And like the reports from earlier this year, there’s a classist undertone of disbelief that she’d allow her daughter to live with her father in Ukraine. Some things never change!

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Meanwhile, Gwyneth Paltrow wore it better, Rachel Bilson stepped out in sneakers, and Hilary Duff’s cage match with Mandy Moore ended in a tie. I’m also told that Kim Kardashian flies in “specialists” from Europe to polish the Belgian plaster lining the floor of the manse she haunts. I love to see such practical applications for her vast, often undeserved wealth! Tori Spelling, on the other hand, watched as her childhood manor sold for $119 million while she battled debtors and an encroaching bankruptcy. Jessica Simpson announced a tell-all memoir, The View bullied Kourney Kardashian, and Evan Rachel Wood “slammed” Stranger Things for the “violent rage and extreme jealousy” defining Jim Hopper’s character. Netflix groupies waged war in her mentions, but the Robot Show actress refused to back down. A judge absolved Ja Rule of blame for Fyre Festival, Bryan Cranston announced a new beer venture with Aaron Paul, and Prince George kicked a soccer ball. Emily Blunt hosted the 2019 American Institute for Stuttering Benefit at Guastavino’s. Kristen Chenoweth endangered the public with a menacing squirt gun. Kendall Jenner went paddleboarding. The most important news of the week? Eva Longoria posed.

Amidst such gossip: Rob Gronkowski accompanied Hotels.com’s Captain Obvious at the ESPYs, David Chang “celebrated the limited edition American Express Rose Gold Card,” and the Jersey Shore cast reunited with the Scognamillo family at Patsy’s to promote their newest season. There’s also two conflicting reports of recently “saved marriages.” Julianne Hough claims her secret was sex therapy. She went on her husband’s “How Men Think” podcast to explain:

“I came home one day and was like, ‘Babe, I saw this website, MissJaiya.com, run by Jaiya Ma, and they have these intimate erotic blueprints and we need to see how we’re compatible.’ I realized there were certain things that game me connection and intimacy and were different than what gave Brooks connection and intimacy. Now we have a menu of how we could please each other sexually.”

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Interestingly enough, Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban were also at the center of a sex therapy gift card scandal when I reported allegations that Keith Urban hired an “intimacy coach” for Nicole Kidman. A “source” claimed that the chunky highlight advocate was “desperately trying to repair his relationship through gift cards” for the service. Fun! I also wonder: is there a pattern to reality competition show judges rehabilitating their marital bed with sex therapy? Get Ryan Seacreast on the line, I have some questions! At the other end of this spectrum, Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag both claim that reality television is the cure for a potential divorce. I’d disagree, but maybe Spencer’s crystals haven’t opened their secrets to me quite yet!

What else?

  • Despite the heat, everyone’s wearing leather.
  • The Hadids indulged in Disneyland.
  • Emmy Rossum ate a few lobsters.
  • Camilla Parker Bowles played pingpong with the Royal Air Force.
  • Dwayne Wade was drowned in liquid gold slime.
  • Everyone on Grey’s Anatomy still hates Katherine Heigl.

This week’s blind, on the other hand, concerns a Housewives adjacent interior decorator. Enjoy!

This famous gay TV personality had a baby via a surrogate. Now he wants a sibling for his precious child, but this time he’s asked one of his famous Hollywood friends to be the sperm donor. Why? Because he’s in love with the guy, who happens to be straight. We think.

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Ok!:

Have you heard the news—there’s life after heartbreak for Celine Dion, is seems! Moving on. I’m informed that Miley Cyrus “can’t be tamed.” Who can? A soccer player named Brian Mazza promoted Hemp Water. Everyone on The View feuding with Meghan McCain, with insiders claiming “Meghan thinks her colleagues treat her unfairly.” There’s also concerning gossip that Jenna Bush Hager and Joanna Gaines are working on a television show together. The chaos they’d would unleash on our planet is a threat we can’t come back from! Reese Witherspoon, taking out her Big Little Lies clip-ins, donned a new brunette wig for The Morning Show. Scarlett Johansson is “on the same page” as Emma Stone. Emma Roberts, meanwhile, has a “forbidden crush” on neighborhood creep James Franco. Justin Bieber is “infatuated” with Scientology spokesman Tom Cruise. And following up on reports from earlier this summer, the battle between Adele’s maids of honor has finally settled. JLaw, it appears, is planning the party after all. Wishing the best for everyone involved!

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Elsewhere, actresses have been spotted in the white robes of the Order of the Secret Flame across Los Angeles red carpets. Is it an encrypted message? An omen of misfortune to come? An absence of summer stylists? You decide! Amal Clooney wore it better, as did Dua Lipa and Jasmine Tookes. Nicole Murphy filmed an infomercial, Carrie Underwood stepped out in Wham! merch, and Janelle Monáe “got the party started.” P!nk, not content with staying on the ground, performed another marathon session of aerial gymnastics. Andy Cohen rode a bike, Kris Jenner refuses to marry Corey Gamble, and Ryan Seacrest has continually been photographed with a new 20-something. We also haven’t checked in on hat-wearing Meghan Markle and dress-having Kate Middleton recently! After battling sexist accusations that she’s confined to “linen sacks,” Meghan Markle was photographed with Kate and William at a charity polo match. “Royal watchers” noted the tense atmosphere, while I couldn’t wrap my head around the continued existence of rich people’s favorite sport.

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  • Kate Bosworth is “passionate about women’s empowerment.”
  • Everyone is still “rocking” ponytails.
  • Don’t forget that Kenya Moore is returning to the Real Housewives of Atlanta.
  • Barbra Streisand flew her three dogs to London so they could sit front row at her concert.
  • Ed Sheeran made $110 million last year, which I’m grateful for! We can add him to the list of celebrities that won’t survive the class war.
  • Daniel Radcliffe is a Leo.
  • The worst pain Kim Kardashian has ever felt? Her Met Gala corset dress!
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Us Weekly!:

Real news—finally! I’m slightly disturbed over the description of Prince George as “curious” and “calm,” as these words often precede a violent, demon-infested haunting. There’s further allegations that the birthday boy’s wish list includes “binoculars for bird watching” and an “electric kids’ car, which many of his school friends have.” Quaint! The neighborhood gossips also whisper that Cameron Diaz’ absence from Hollywood is due to her new role as a “happy homemaker.” I’d normally label the claims sexist—but it takes all kinds! Women should support women, and there’s no shame in doting on Benji Madden and his meticulously arranged collection of trucker hats. Sandra Bullock, meanwhile, adopted a rescue poodle as rumors swirled that Aunt Becky is (still) in denial. Amber Portwood could lose her job, Venus Williams keeps SweeTarts in her EleVen by Venus backpack, and Brandon Lee revealed he has no idea who Lauren Conrad is!

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As for the hottest celebrity sightings of the week:

  • Zendaya spoke on a panel for AT&T’s Dream in Black Brunch in New Orleans.
  • JLo sipped tea at Bagatelle.
  • Amy Poehler and Rashida Jones “twerked” during a 305 Fitness class.
  • DJ Khaled ate shawarma in the East Village.
  • Justin and Hailey Bieber “strolled through Disney’s California Adventure with a bodyguard.”
  • Susan Sarandon lunched at Legasea.
  • Ellen Pomeo ate dumplings ate Brooklyn Chop House.
  • Erica Dane was spotted with a Barnes & Noble tote somewhere in The Grove.

Ariel Winter, speaking exclusively to Us Weekly, revealed she’s “ready for the next big thing.” I’m inspired by her claim that we’re all “on self empowerment journeys” throughout our lives, as well as her response to fans upset over Modern Family’s upcoming ending: “I don’t think you really process loss or change until it really hits you.” Deep! There’s also a troubling list of “songs of the summer” presumably written by aliens.

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  • “Higher Love” (Kygo feat. Whitney Houston)
  • “Juice” (Lizzo)
  • “All My Favorite People” (Maren Morris)
  • “Bad Guy” (Billie Eilish)
  • “Senorita” (Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello, who would like you to please stop following them with cameras.)
  • “Never Really Over” (Katy Perry)

How dare they lump Lizzo’s “Juice” with a Katy Perry song! Conspiracy theorists can’t stop debating the way the world will end at the hands of our reptilian overlords. Meanwhile, they continue sowing the seeds of chaos in our tabloids weekly!

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Rounding this out:

  • Christina Aguilera stepped out in a corset.
  • Heidi Klum glued fringe to her boots.
  • Did you know that Sutton Foster is afraid of snakes and won’t eat eggplant? I didn’t!
  • Hilary Clinton and Billy Joel were photographed in a room together.
  • Khloe Kardashian donned tiny shades.
  • Hilary Duff was seen with La Croix in her shopping cart.
  • Joe Jonas drinks Coors Light.
  • Emily Ratajkowski walked her dog.

Enjoy this week’s collage!

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