This Week in Tabloids: Jessica Simpson's Wedding Pic Is a Lie

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we partake of the glorious appetizer buffet of celebrity gossip offered up by Star, Us Weekly, inTouch, OK!, and Life & Style. This week, everyone gawks at Lamar Odom’s drug problem and disintegrating marriage; the “surprise” in Jessica Simpson’s “surprise wedding” is that it’s a trick of Photoshopping; and you need to sign a nondisclosure agreement if you plan to gain carnal access to Justin Bieber.

Seeing the headline “EXCLUSIVE DETAILS: INSIDE JESSICA’S SURPRISE WEDDING” hovering over a picture of Jessica Simpson and her longterm boyfriend Eric Johnson in a white dress and tuxedo (respectively) might lead one to believe that some sort of surprise wedding had transpired between the two. Just maybe. But, nope: the very unsurprising wedding has not happened yet, and Simpson’s “wedding dress” in that picture is photoshopped. The real image dates back to 2012, from when she was 9 months pregnant and acting as a bridesmaid at a friend’s wedding — in a rainbow dress. So: she is not married yet and the “real” wedding will take place on Valentine’s Day (surprise!!!!). Elsewhere in the magazine, the editors ponder the eternal question of the tooth-grill. I quote: “Miley Cyrus has three grills, which she carries in retainer cases. One is her ‘chic one,’ another is a ‘chill grill,’ and a third is for ‘blending in.'” It’s hard to tell which part of that sentence is the worst. Moving on: John Mayer and Katy Perry are having a baby! Have you ever wanted to hear a story about John Mayer reacting to menstruation? Of course you have; today is your lucky day. According to a source, Katy confided in John that her period was late and he responded by “flipping out; he leapt with joy and gave her a huge bear hug!” It was a false alarm, but that did not stop the good people at OK! from crafting a pair of terrifying face-composite toddler demons [Fig 3]. To end on a terrible note: the magazine blames Lamar Odom’s drug problem for Rob Kardashian’s weight gain. [Fig 4].

GRADE: F (a pig in a blanket that someone urinated upon)

In a Star exclusive, the magazine alleges that Lamar had a third mistress who witnessed his OxyContin problem firsthand. The woman in question, Sandy Schultz, claims that she had an on-and-off relationship that began in 2003; after breaking up and reconciling in 2009, Schultz and Odom went to a club. “I went up to go to the bathroom, and when I returned, Khloé had taken my seat next to Lamar,” she claims — and then she didn’t hear from him again until 2011. The moral of this fable is to call fives on your boyfriend if you need to use the bathroom in da club, or he could end up married to someone else within four months. Anyways, Shultz further alleges that Odom flew her to Oakland in 2012 and smoked a terrifying amount of OxyContin in front of her. Star has graciously printed an excerpt from her “STEAMY LOVE LETTER TO LAMAR,” but ungraciously obscured the steamy bits [Fig 1]. In other news, Kris Jenner was talking shit about President Obama at a party because the leader of the world’s oldest constitutional democracy gave an interview one time in which he was was mildly critical of Kim Kardashian’s extravagant lifestyle. Then, acting as a voice for the collective unconscious, Chelsea Handler reportedly told her to “shut her fucking pie hole.” Well said, Chelsea. Elsewhere in the mag, the creepiest sentence of the week slithers its way out of the mouth of Robin Thicke: when asked about how he’ll explain his risky career moves to his son, Thicke responded, “Mommy has shown her naked body for roles and Daddy has been around naked bodies, it’s just what we do.” BRB, dry heaving and weeping and writhing on the floor all by myself. Next: Miley Cyrus and producer Mike WiLL Made It are totally hooking up, according to sources (but mostly according to picture captions on Instagram from which the Star editors have read the divine truth, like so many oak leaves scattered by the Cumaean sybil).

GRADE: D (a mozzarella stick that only has cheese in one half of it and that cheese is not melted fully)

This is the “Fall TV Special” issue of US Weekly, so there’s not much in the way of interesting tales about the lovable exploits of professionally famous human beings. Us Weekly is assigning more agency to Khloe Kardashian than the rest of the bunch: according to their take, Khloe found drug paraphernalia in her and Lamar’s bedroom and has thus officially given up on her husband. Also: she’s cut off his credit cards and bowed out of filming her family’s reality show. In happier news, Zoe Saldana secretly married her hot and perfect-sounding Italian boyfriend in June. “Though his Andy Warhol-inspired paintings sell for upward of $30,000, the former soccer pro’s unassuming nature is a draw for Saldana,” says the magazine. Despite those other two DISGUSTING FACTS, his unassuming nature has won the actress over. Thank goddess for that unassuming nature. Lauren “L.C.” “The Girl Who Didn’t Go To Paris” Conrad is moving in with her boyfriend. Congratulations, L.C.! I have no other comment. Gisele Bünchen has joined a book club; so far, they’ve read The Light Between Oceans and Life of Pi. According to a source, she “enjoys it.” Good to know. And, finally, another story about Miley’s personal life: Liam Hemsworth and January Jones still have a secret thing goin’ on. The magazine says that he sent her “a graphic, sexual text message that read, in part, ‘I want to [expletive] you.” Which expletive do you think he used? “Twerk upon?” An embed code to the Wrecking Ball music video? Please share your conjectures. Also, US Weekly has taken Miley’s statement that she wanted her VMA performance to be “historical” into the realm of Too Far, providing a handy graphic of other historical events that occurred on that date. Some examples: Amelia Earheart vanished. French troops liberated Paris after four years of Nazi occupation. Billy Ray Cyrus was born. [Fig 2].