This Week In Tabloids: Jen & Angie Adopting Daughters; Levi & Bristol Having Sex
CelebritiesWelcome back to Midweek Madness! We read Star, In Touch, Us, Ok! and Life & Style, and found out the name of Angelina’s new kid, the truth about Megan Fox’s face and what Sarah Palin doesn’t know about Bristol.
Ok!
“Yes! I Am Having A Baby”
This piece claims that in an interview with a women’s magazine which will hit stands in the fall, Jennifer Aniston will reveal that she is ready to have a kid. What we don’t know is whether it will be biological or adopted, but the article notes that Jen’s dream is to “look into her baby’s eyes and see a little bit of herself looking back.” Then again, she visited an orphanage in Mexico. But! She’d prefer to get knocked up by the man of her dreams, but may ask Jason Sudeikis or Gerard Butler. Hmm. Moving on: Please take a close look at the image above the text “Kristen & Rob Ready To Wed” on the cover. Do you think they actually posed together? Do you think she is actually holding flowers? No and no! The editors carefully crafted this wedding-ish image to lure you in! A source says that RPatz and KStew will go away, and sometimes, when they come back, “Rob will refer to Kristen as his wife, and she’ll be all giggly and blushing.” If they DO get married, it will be a small wedding, and Rob is a beer connoisseur, so Stella will be served instead of champagne. Their wedding song will be “Across The Universe.” Next: A story called “Baby Number Two On The Way!” uses an arrow to point at Katie Holmes’ tummy and ask, “Is Katie sporting a tell-tale bump?” But in the actual article, we learn that Katie is getting more sleep and THINKING about getting pregnant. “Ashlee’s Body Makes Jessica Jealous” is all about how Jessica Simpson is jealous of her little sister’s physique — “Oh, to have the body of a 25-year-old,” the text sighs. Boo. Meanwhile: Russell Brand already calls Katy Perry “my wife.” In “What I Ate Today,” Giuliana Rancic says she had a yogurt parfait for breakfast, brown rice sushi from Whole Foods for lunch, homemade pasta with lots of cheese for dinner, and then she and her husband split three brownies with vanilla ice cream for dessert. “People are always like, there’s no way you eat, because you’re in shape. I eat.” She goes to the gym five or six days a week, though.
Grade: F, AS USUAL (90° at work in the city with no air conditioning)
Life & Style
“Last Minute Bikini Body.”
If you’re on your way to the beach and you forget something, don’t worry — you can pick up a last-minute bikini body! There are four pages of random tips about looking good in a bikini, but basically it boils down to: Watch what you eat, never go hungry, exercise, and try the apple cider vinegar shot thing that Megan Fox does, which will surely give you ripped abs. Also, the cover is weird: The background is a construction of Photoshop colors made to insinuate a beach, Beyoncé’s swimsuit seems altered or colored in (that doesn’t even look like fabric over there on the right) and Kristin’s body looks stretched. Next: Kim Kardashian is dating Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Miles Austin. A British woman named Cat Winter has spent $20,000 trying to be a Lady Gaga impersonator — she needed a boob job, costumes and choreography — and now she charges $750 a gig. Kendra hates that her sex tape has her old boobs in it. Matthew Morrison’s “sexy bedroom” is totally not sexy. (see image 7) Kate Gosselin has spent $21,000 on her hair in the last five months. Is Justin Bieber under too much pressure? A bunch of psychologists who don’t treat him get all worked up since fans follow him and try to “pet him.” One mentions new sensation Greyson Chance and says: “I’m concerned that when Justin is no longer the flavor of the month, it will be traumatic for him.”
Grade: F (90° at noon in the desert with no shade)
Us
“Vienna Cheated!”
We’ll have more about these fools when we get to Star magazine, but for now, what’s important — and we use that word liberally — is that this chick from The Bachelor hooked up with Gregory Michael, who plays a gay frat boy on Greek, and while our eyes saw words about what happened after that, reading and comprehending the information proved impossible. Here’s all we were able to glean: A witness says, “Vienna kept saying, ‘I’m a smitten kitten,’ and he would say, ‘No, that’s what I call you.'” Cue eyeglaze! Moving along: Britney Spears has been sneaking calls to her ex, former paparzzo Adnan Ghalib, who is currently unemployed. A source says Britney is not living the life she wants and that it’s “worse than being in prison — at least in prison you know when your time is up.” And! “What 28-year-old wants to be legally controlled by her father?” In royals news, we learn that while Prince William has not yet proposed to Kate Middleton but she is already acting like a potential royal: She’s had to turn down invitations to girlie holidays and friends’ bachelorette weekends — in case photos or fake rumors get out. And her mom has told the prince that if he doesn’t make and honest woman of her daughter, “she will become damaged goods.” Progressive! Also inside: Liv Tyler spent $2,200 on a summer dress?!?! (see image 8) Kim Kardashian and Miles Austin are dating, but “she doesn’t want to rush anything.” Sandra Bullock and Jesse James have been talking — a source says he would NEVER move to Austin (like he is i the process of doing) unless she okayed it. Lastly: 74% of people cajoled into being polled by Us think Miley’s ear tattoo is “silly.” (see image 9)
Grade: D- (72° rainy, dreary three-day weekend at the beach)
In Touch
“Stabbed In The Heart.”
The cover claims that Kourtney Kardashian’s babydaddy Scott Disick had a “hotel hookup” with some other woman, but inside we learn that he had a drink, saw this chic and sorta “flirted” with her at a hotel bar. A witness claims Scott went up to her room, but she’s got a serious boyfriend. Also, the poolside photos of this other woman — Olcay Gulsen — are soooo posed and staged. Meanwhile, Kobe Bryant’s wife Vanessa hates Khloe Kardashian — and her whole family, because she sees them as attention-grabbing fame-seekers. Hey, Michelle Obama recycles outfits? Where have heard that before? (see image 10). Angelina Jolie is “ready” to give twins Knox and Vivienne a birthday present when they turn 2 in July — another brother or sister. Angie’s planning to adopt. Again. Zahara is “open to the idea,” because she wants a little sister “that has her skin color and curly hair,” according to a source. Angie might get the new kid from Ecuador or Haiti or Somalia. Angie has told friends that she wants to keep adopting and giving birth until she is the mother of 13! It’s her lucky number. Anyways, she “bonded” with a little girl in Haiti, and a toddler boy in Ecuador. Adoptionrace 2010: WHICH WILL SHE CHOOSE? Then there’s a sidebar called “How Will The Kids React?” when a new sibling comes home: Maddox is an old pro; Pax finds it hard to adapt; Zahara may lash out; Shiloh’s stuck in the middle, and the twins will have to share. Megan Fox has had an “extreme makeover,” and a plastic surgeon who does not treat her says she’s had too much work done. Judge for yourself: See image 11. Also inside: This mag, which pushes for slim “bikini bodies” but has also called people “scary skinny” in the past, claims that Lindsay Lohan has “new weight woes.” She used to drink instead of eat — and even though booze has empty calories, she was eating so little that she stayed thin. Now she’s replaced booze with food and gained a little weight, THE HORROR. More body-image mindfuckery: “The Case Of The Missing Curves” calls out Amanda Seyfried, Jessica Biel, Scarlett Johansson, and Catherine Zeta-Jones because they “suddenly lost their womanly shapes.” Groan. (see image 12) Finally: “Can You Believe They Dated?” features Jennifer Lopez’s old nose, and the info that David Arquette went out with Drew Barrymore when he was 18 and she was 16. (see image 13)
Grade: D (65° air conditioning up so high at work you need a cashmere sweater)
Star
“Jake’s A Monster!”
If you’re into this Bachelor stuff, this is, by far, the magazine to buy. It’s not a brief little interview: Vienna shared so much with the mag that they printed a long, six-page story written as though you are reading her diary. And! There’s a picture of her handwritten “heartbreaking goodbye letter” to Jake, which is scrawled on loose leaf paper and paired with the engagement ring he gave her. Basically: Jake from The Bachelor wants to be an actor. He faked his whole relationship with Vienna for the show, and it helped it get on Dancing With The Stars. He’s been taking acting classes and going on auditions and will guest star on Drop Dead Diva. But it seems like Vienna doesn’t understand that their entire relationship was fake. She was confused by why he would only kiss her on the red carpet. He told her he didn’t want to have sex with her because it was a “sin” to have sex before marriage. She claims this is emotional abuse? Anyway, they faked a lot of stuff, like she said she bought Jimmy Choo shoes for the wedding, but that was a lie — she just made something up to tell people since they kept asking. And when she would try to call Jake, he would never answer. Jake didn’t like her dog, and made her send the dog to live with her parents. The dog got separation anxiety and had to be hospitalized, and Jake just called the dog “spoiled.” Also this: She says on Valentine’s Day, “I set up rose petals throughout the apartment. Candles, everything. I had a bubble bath running, and I got in the bath and said, ‘Follow the rose petals, I’m going into the bathtub!’ And Jake just never came in. When I finally gave up and came to bed, he kind of just pushed the rose petals off the covers and rolled over and went to sleep.” Get your tiny violins out! Moving on: Britney’s boyfriend Jason Trawick has gone “from clean-cut to caveman.” (see image 14) Britney’s influence! Next he’ll be wearing a pink wig. Look at this picture of Jake Gyllenhaal checking out some girl’s ass (see image 15). Blind item: “This Hollywood hunk is having so much trouble finding a girlfriend, he had his buddies invite the hottest waitresses and dancers to his house for a wild party. But by 3 am, everybody left — and he spent yet another night alone.” Gerry Butler? Benicio Del Toro? Jake Gyllenhot??? Audrina has been ordering only ginger at sushi restaurants, because she thinks it speeds up her metabolism. Mark Wahlberg took his four-year-old son to see The Karate Kid, and when they were leaving the theater, the kid got super excited and kicked Marky Mark in the ribs. he double over and said it was excruciating, and people were stopping and asking him if he was okay. The Tori Spelling piece is a thinly veiled promo for her new book, but we did learn that she told her husband “this is the beginning of the end.” They’re either doomed as a couple, or she wants you to think so. At a Lakers game, a fan walked up to Khloe Kardashian and congratulated her on her pregnancy; Khloe said she was “thrilled.” Later at a party, her sisters were dancing like crazy, but Khloe just swayed and rubbed her belly. So: Pregnant. If you’re interested in the Jeremy London saga, there’s a lot of info here that we couldn’t bear to get into. Angelina Jolie has begun the process of adopting a 3-year-old girl from Somalia. She plans to name the child Lucy, and the she and Brad decide to adopt from Africa in order to have a “match” for Zahara. Deborah Ann Woll, aka Jessica from True Blood, is dating actor Edward “EJ” Scott, who is legally blind. For seven years, he’s been battling choroideremia (CHM), a heredity disease of the retina. Lastly: Levi Johnston’s little sister, Mercede — who appears to be wearing a bump-it in the photo inside — says Bristol and Levi “are definitely a couple again. And sleeping together. Bristol called him and told him, ‘Let’s put everything behind us, let’s forget about the past.’ I don’t think Sarah even knows that they’ve reunited, but when she finds out, she’s going to flip.”
Grade: D+ (85° sleeping at night with window fan)
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