This Week In Tabloids: Heidi Montag Shows Us Her Scars
CelebritiesWelcome back To Midweek Madness, in which Heidi Montag calls herself Frankenstein, Britney digs sexual enhancement herbs, Jack Nicholson eats a sandwich and Brad Pitt is forced to wear leather pants. Come on in!
Note: There was no Ok! today, because last week’s was a double issue. In a way, we are relieved.
Us
“Shania Twain Engaged!”
Shania Twain is engaged to Frédéric Thiébaud, who is the ex-husband of her former best friend, Marie-Anne Thiébaud, the woman Shania’s husband of 14 years, Mutt Lange, abruptly left her for in May 2008. Not that it matters, but Margaret and I both agree that Shania and Fred are way hotter than Mutt and Marie-Anne. The magazine did not speak to Shania, but some source saw Shania, Fred and her ring having dinner in New York, and here are some words you will find in the story: Champagne. Supercuddly. Three-carat emerald-cut rock. Swiss Alps. Picnic. Spelled out I love you in the snow. Moving on: In “Celeb Parent Matchmakers,” Gwen Stefani and Angelina Jolie are plotting Kingston and Shiloh’s future together — so cute! (See image 6). On the set of Jennifer Aniston’s movie Wanderlust, no one was allowed within 20 feet of her. But Jen is thinking of moving to New York — “She thinks dating will be easier in Manhattan,” claims a source. In other news, a source says that Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds “went from speaking once every two days to once every 2 weeks.” This one time RyRen went on an impromptu trip to Las Vegas with Kevin Connolly, and ScarJo was on the phone with E when she said, “What? Ryan’s there?” And then became enraged. Ryan is “very hurt” about the breakup. Charlie Sheen spent last Christmas in jail, and “has no intention of behaving over the holidays.” His sober coach lives with him when he’s shooting his TV show, but they’re taking a break from each other during this vacation time. Luxury hotels should be on red alert. Lastly: The magazine devotes space to the nine big celebrity breakups this year: Sandra and Jesse, Halle and Gabriel, Zac and Vanessa, Christina and Jordan, Jenny and Jim, Blake and Penn, Courtney and David, Eva and Tony, Stuart and Charlize. But! They also highlight the big celeb weddings this year: Chelsea, Alicia, Megan and Brian. Joy and pain!
Grade: D- (acne scars)
In Touch
“A Baby Of My Own.”
This cover story is based upon a possibly old quote from a “friend” who claims Eva says: “I believe I will have a baby one day, and hopefully it will be with an amazing father and husband. But if not, I’ll have a baby on my own.” BAM. There is your cover line. Not a direct quote, but who cares? Moving on: Gwyneth Paltrow’s “new face” is the result of some forehead filler (see image 7). Johnny Depp is having a long-term love affair with his hat (see image 8). This picture of Bobby Moynihan and Snooki dancing with hairspray has us kind of psyched for the New Year’s special (see image 9). Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson were “torn apart by jealousy.” A source says: “He said it sounded like she was yelling every time she spoke to him.” Sometimes she was yelling! She allegedly “went nuts” in his trailer while he was filming The Proposal. Another source says that Ryan can be “an overbearing control freak,” and went on a solitary motorcycle ride across Europe this summer, then asked Scarlett to drop everything and come to him when he wanted to see her. She threatened to take off her wedding ring when he refused to go to Comic-Con with her. An insider says: “He doesn’t seem sad and mopey. He seems to be getting on with his life.” Teen Mom‘s Amber Portwood has a new boyfriend — a cage fighter named Clint, and he’s a “bad influence.” He’s into pills and booze, yadda yadda yadda. MTV was filming Teen Mom, so Amber had a bunch of her friends over, but when Clint came home, he yelled, “Get these bitches out of here!” One young lady cried because he was so mean. The best story in this mag is “Angelina’s Desperate To Take Control Again,” which is all about how Brad used to have his own personality but is now turning into Angie’s rag doll. “Brad’s needs are neglected,” and Angelina has a compulsive need to be in charge. “She has taken charge of Brad’s wardrobe. Brad is morphing into a male version of Angelina. He’s never worn so much black on black in his life.” We adore how a new picture of Brad in leather pants is next to an old picture of Brad in Cannes with gasping copy reading “HE USED TO WEAR COLOR!” (see image 10) Miley Cyrus finds it suspicious that her father filed for divorce just before her 18th birthday, and has sided with her mother in the whole thing. Miley is worth $120 million, and how or if that will get split up is unclear. A source says, “They’ve been battling over Miley’s affections, and she likes being in the center of it.” Finally: Jason Trawick — boyfriend of Britney Spears — was spotted buying sexual enhancers Libigro and Libigirl at a gas station. He was holding them in his hand as he was pumping gas. The makers of the product say, “Our motto is ‘Not because you need it, but because you want it.'” Go Britney!
Grade: D (toaster burn scar)
Star
“50 Best & Worst Winter Beach Bodies!”
What he have here are 13 pages of mean commentary about human bodies — and sometimes the people aren’t even famous. Ke$ha is “untoned and formless.” Julia Roberts looks like she did “a lot more eating than praying or loving.” Snooki had a “situation with her animal-print one piece,” she is “busting out” and on the cover she is called “double wide.” Margaret Cho’s body? “Tat’s a shame.” Because “almost every inch” of her “curvy body is covered in ink.” Pierce Brosnan’s wife Keely Shaye Smith? She gets a banner which reads “Hips Ahoy” and “Good thing there’s plenty of the 47-year-old former TV correspondent to love…” Our hero in all this is Jack Nicholson. The copy says “Snack Attack! Everybody out of the water — Jack might eat you.” But since Jack is chowing down on a giant fucking sandwich on what appears to be a yacht in the South of France, really, if he is wrong, we don’t want to be right. (See image 11). Gwyneth Paltrow is featured on the Knifestyles page, and a doctor who does not treat her says she had Botox between the eyes and fillers in the cheeks and lips. Meanwhile, Lara Flynn Boyle has “completely overdone” it. Sigh. (See image 12). Johnny Depp drew a self-portrait in yellow marker on the ceiling of a restaurant Venice, and made himself as hot as he actually is (see image 13). Would you like to see Orlando Bloom’s urine stream? You’re in luck — just follow the yellow, yes, yellow arrow (see image 14). Billy Ray Cyrus and Tish Cyrus are “back on.” According to the mag, “After Billy Ray filed for divorce, Tish woke up and remembered that he’s probably the best guy she’ll ever be with.” So… he filed for divorce while she was asleep? Rihanna has been spending more and more time with Drake, and “slowly falling for him.” Ed Westwick is cheating on Jessia Szohr with a chick who works at Intermix in New York. Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds have been having “secret dates.” Well, not really. But he visited her in Austin and went with her, baby Louis and her bodyguard to her sister’s cupcake shop. This other time in L.A., they had dinner at a restaurant and then went into a photobooth, and a witness says, “Who knows what they were doing in there.” Um, taking pictures? Last: Angelina Jolie is “worn out and wasting away.” She’s down to 112 lbs. from 130 lbs., and eating only 500 calories a day. She barely eats because she’s stressed out.
Grade: D (skinned knee scar)
Life & Style
“Heidi’s New Surgery Distaster.”
Twelve close-up pictures of Heidi Montag reveal that she has scars. We personally don’t think they are that bad, and sort of what you might expect when someone has twelve surgical procedures. She’s got a big one under her chin; some bald spots on her hairline from where her face was pulled up; four dots around her butt where they went in with the lipo vacuum; and a bright red nostril where a stitch came out. You can see a few shots here. She won’t show her worst scars, because they’re on her nipples, but claims those are “the darkest and the widest.” Poor Barbie. Just look at her, sadly gazing at herself in a hand mirror. She claims she doesn’t blame Dr. Frank Ryan, but says stuff like: “I got lipo only to humor Dr. Ryan.” And: “People have fewer cars from car accidents than I have on my body.” Nice thing to say, considering your doctor DIED in a CAR ACCIDENT. Also, a car accident is often unpreventable. You did not skid down the highway onto an operating table! She won’t let anyone touch her nose because she is afraid it will fall off, and says, “I don’t have a doctor to fix me anymore, so I’m always going to be super cautious.” Wait — there are no doctors left in the world? Oh, you mean one who will operate on you for free. She has a hard time sleeping, because if she rolls onto her side, “My implants feel like they’re going come through my skin because they’re so heavy.” And: “I’m forced to massage my boobs for an hour or so a day.” She doesn’t wash her face for fear of bumping her nose, so she just splashes water on it. God, at first it’s sad. And then it’s funny. And then it’s sad again. She says: “Sometimes I feel like Frankenstein, straight out of a sci-fi movie.” And: “I wish I could jump into a time machine and take it all back. Instead I’m always going to feel like Edward Scissorhands.” (Does that make Spencer Pratt Winona Ryder? “Hold me!” “I can’t!”) Moving along: The Eva Longoria/Tony Parker story begins thusly: “He had the sausage bites. He had the turkey and creamed corn. In other words, there was nothing formal about Eva and Tony’s lunch…” RyRen and ScarJo’s marriage crumbled because she has “major abandonment issues.” They talked about having a baby to save the relationship, but her friends talked her out of it. Finally: Taylor Swift has Jake Gyllenhaal wrapped around her little finger. “He’s fallen so hard… that he’s the one chasing after her,” says a source. “Everything’s on her time, her rules.” They’re spending Christmas together, and the copy reads: “She’s in control — and has Jake right where she wants him.” What is she, an assassin?
Grade: D+ (paper cut scar, although we were tempted to write “emotional scar”)
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