Welcome to Jezebel’s Midweek Madness! The Famouses have fled to their yachts behind luxury vacation paywalls, but it won’t stop us intrepid gossip archeologists from digging into every detail of their personal lives. We might be starved for content, but we’re nothing if not scrappy! Let’s dive in.

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Ok!:

For the first time in the history of my nightmarish reign at Midweek Madness, we won’t be starting with In Touch this week. The summer slump comes for each in their own time! Instead, let’s focus on this Keanu Reeves cover. I’m told he’s a hot ticket item right now amongst men and women on the internet. Let’s dig in!

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Up front, I’d ask that the writers at American Media interrogate their use of “exotic” to describe Keanu’s looks. Feels racist! There are also allegations from various sources that his father abandoned Keanu’s family, ultimately leaving when the actor was 13. Drug allegations about his supposedly absentee father complicate the story, as does the untimely death of River Phoenix. Sources “reveal” that the loss devastated Keanu, claiming the pair had “grown up in the Hollywood scene together.” The piece also touches on the tragic loss of Keanu’s former partner Jennifer Syme. The death of a newborn child “slowly ripped the couple apart and they called it quits.” The following year, Syme died in a car crash. The actor, reminiscing on the loss, once said :

“People have a misconception that you can deal with it and say ‘I’m better.’ They’re wrong. When the people you love are gone, you’re alone. I wonder what the present would be like if they were here—what we might have done together. I miss all the great things that will never be.”

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And despite the allegation that he’s“never fully healed,” sources claim Keanu is “often spotted chatting with fans” and secretly donating “staggering amounts of his $360 million empire” to various foundations. This must be why there’s so many profiles of the man!

Meanwhile, Mischa Barton faced a “comeback crisis” and Natalie Portman is “seeing red” after the greater celebrity ecosystem stayed silent after Moby tattled on himself in a series of lecherous book excerpts and Instagram posts. There’s also the interesting claim that Emilia Clarke has assumed an alternate identity. By day she sits amidst a mountain of free shit. Under the cover of darkness, however, sources claim she moonlights as a freebie vigilante, redistributing the byproducts of her wealth and fame to those unfortunate enough to live their lives deprived of sample size Lancomé products. Good for her! There’s also gossip that Jessica Alba is about to do “what her competitors have been afraid to do,” which is work with models who have not been airbrushed. Real women—they exist, shockingly!

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Lindsay Lohan is panicking about the loss of her beach club, Luann De Lesseps announced an upcoming memoir, Katy Perry was photographed with Miranda Kerr, and everyone’s wearing silver. Audrina Patridge refreshed her ombre, Carey Mulligan updated the mullet, and Jenna Dewan impersonator Jessie J did not wear it better. Zendaya and Tom Holland posed with the Empire State Building, Sharna Burgess posed with roses, and Naomi Campbell posed on a rug. Chrissy Teigen stepped out in a poncho while Gwen Stefani made the bold choice to perform in a sequined, leopard print Dolce and Gabbana tracksuit. Guess she can’t read the room! Iggy Azalea, noted Australian sleeper agent, shocked the world with a new face and wig at the BET Awards. For an undercover plant, you’d think she’d learn to be slightly more inconspicuous. I’m also interested in the pair of black Airpods seen with Andy Cohen as he posed with his dog in New York City. Is there an Apple underworld available only to rich television personalities? Did he color them in with Sharpies? Did he buy a questionably sourced skin off Amazon recommended by one of his assistants? Is this a thing everyone knows about but me? Big questions, few answers!

Thanks to the summer slump, there’s a rather excellent rundown of what the various Nickelodeon stars of the late ‘90s and early ‘00s are up to in the modern times. Thank god there’s a content drought!

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  • Larisa Oleynik: Known for The Secret World of Alex Mack, went on to land small roles in Boy Meets World, 3rd Rock From the Sun, and Mad Men. Her upcoming projects? The Healing Powers of Dude and Animal Among Us. To quote Ok!: “Talk about range!”
  • Christine Taylor: What can’t this actress do? After playing Bar None Dude Ranch lifeguard Melody on the series Hey Dude, the actress went on to starring rolls in Zoolander, Dodgeball, and the Wedding Singer. After separating from Ben Stiller in 2017, she’ll be making her “big return” later this year in Friendsgiving.
  • Amanda Bynes: Despite a troubling (and often racist) few years as a Twitter menace and wig connoisseur, the former Amanda Show actress pulled herself together and graduated from FIDM just this June. While no projects are slated for the upcoming year, the actress has stated she’d like to dabble in acting again.
  • Ross Hull: The leader of the Midnight Society and star of Are You Afraid of the Dark? Went on to graduate from college with degrees in radio and television arts and a certificate in broadcast meteorology. He now works as a meteorologist in Toronto. As for the show’s impending reboot? “I wasn’t approached!”
  • Steve Burns: Despite the consistent rumor that he tragically died, the former Blue’s Clues host has a “pulse and sense of humor.” He went on to release an album in 2003 after quitting the show. At the time, he claimed he was “getting older and losing my hair.”

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The most baffling story of the week is the allegation that Shia LaBeouf was kicked out of an LA flea market on June 23 after handing out fliers with an improv group. It’s relegated to a miniscule blurb on an otherwise meaningless photo spread of celebrities in public. Get me the editor’s desk! I just want to talk. Further in, an intricate web of nefarious tipsters claim that Britney Spears and mother Lynne are “stronger than ever” after a “fun in the sun” Cancun vacation.

“Lynne has made a real effort to be there for Britney every step of the way. Britney has always loved her mom, but at times, Lunne’s seemed a bit distracted by other family matters. After all, Britney’s not her only kid. But after things got tough earlier this year, Lynne realized she needed to step it up and be there for Brit.”

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Cool! As long as the tabloids tell me everything is absolutely fine, I’ll ignore the sudden re-emergence of her mother amidst the most pivotal court battle of Britney’s life to determine the fate of her personhood and vast fortune! What else?

  • Game of Thrones stars John Bradley and Pilou Asbaek met in Malta to open the brand new Planet Hollywood.
  • Alicia Keys was seen at the Dean Collection x Swizz Beatz Present Deluxx Fluxx interactive art installation.
  • “To launch Conair’s detangling brush The Knot Dr., Sara and Erin Foster dressed as a bride and groom and officiated at a fake wedding, where model Nina Agdal walked down the aisle with her hairstylist.”
  • Rihanna is currently “showered with love” by her billionaire boyfriend Hassan Jameel.
  • Laverne Cox and Kyle Draper have split.
  • Dua Lipa and Anwar Hadid have “hit it off.”

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Life & Style:

I can only imagine that this cover gossip was compiled with the help of dart boards, weed gummies, and a heat-induced fugue state. Where does one even begin? Let’s start with Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner Jonas’ “$1 million French wedding.” Sources claim the price tag was an aggregation of Avenue Montaigne shopping sprees, luxurious dinners, plane rides for friends and family members, and boozy yachting excursions. Boring! There’s also the allegation that Kylie Jenner was abandoned by Travis Scott while pregnant with their second child. The news is “coincidentally” timed with the recent finale of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. I suspect that it’s the latest ploy of Kris Jenner’s gossip army to survive the summer hiatus. I’m also bored by the allegations that Portia de Rossi’s new art curation startup, General Public, will be the end of her marriage to television royalty Ellen DeGeneres. As for the longstanding, often sexist rumors propagated by American Media that their lack of children would split them up? They’ve curiously disappeared from more recent coverage of these incredibly rich lesbians. There’s also little to the claim that Matt Lauer is “strapped for cash” that we haven’t heard before. His divorce from wife Annette Roque has cost him $20 million, she took their $3.5 million horse farm in the settlement, and now he’s been “forced to sell his dream house”, which sits on the market for $44 million. Considering that his former Today Show contract that had him raking in over $20 million a year—I’m sure he’ll be just fine.

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Meanwhile: Everyone’s in yellow for the summer, Bella Thorne didn’t wear it better, and Dakota Fanning stepped was spotted in a cocktail dress. Everyone’s gossiping about Bethenny Frankel’s new face. Kris Jenner bought a $4,699 massage chair. Wendy Williams’ ex-husband was caught by paparazzi at a NYC pawn shop. Real Housewives of New Jersey star Melissa Gorga “defended” her daughter’s Instagram post. Really, not much is going on! Thankfully, this didn’t stop the famouses from showing up at parties full of free shit!

  • Emily Ratajkowski “celebrated the launch” of her exclusive Nasty Gal collection with a private dinner at Gallery 287 in NYC.
  • Hilaria Baldwin led a yoga class with Tom’s of Maine to promote its all-new Women’s Natural Strength Deodorant.”
  • Brody Jenner was spotted at Keith Menin’s Bodega South Beach.
  • Shaquille O’Neal made his DJ debut at Encore Beach Club’s Nightswim at Wynn Las Vegas.
  • “NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. teamed up with Nicorette to launch the new Nicorette Coated Ice Mint Lozenge.”
  • Chrissy Teigen and her daughter Luna “got messy with confetti” at POPSUGAR’s Play/Ground.
  • Victoria Justice licked a fake ice cream cone at the screening of her new film Summer Night, premiering exclusively at Rom Com Fest.
  • Becky G and Marsai Martin partied with Secret Deodorant in Paris to celebrate their All Strength, No Sweat line of products.
  • Rachel Zoe posed with rose at the Paris Hilton + Glam App launch.

What else? Rihanna admitted she doesn’t have a sleep pattern, Tom Holland opened up about his arachnophobia, and Kelly Ripa ruined her daughter’s birthday when she walked in on her and Mark Consuelos fucking. Everyone’s gossiping that sex bench owners Ashley Benson and Cara Delevigne are getting hitched. I love love! Will Smith donned something he called “Genie Drag.” Sofia Vergara posed. Beth Behrs recommends Zyrtec Allergy for relief from sneezing and itchy, watery eyes.

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Us Weekly:

As always, we’ll end with the pinnacle of tabloid journalism and its many, many recurring features. Like I’ve told you these last few weeks: It’s part of my recent journey on learning to let go of control, especially when the gossip dries up and I’m backed into a corner.

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First Look:

This is the section where stars are spotted, red carpets are walked, and publicists crowd the backgrounds of paparazzi shots.

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  • Kate Bosworth “rocked” a $724 Aknvas dress with $795 Jaques Marie Mage sunnies, a $1000 Chloé bag, and Rebook sneakers. The outfit is reminiscent of a Manhattan mom who stole her daughter’s toy purse and sunglasses in an effort to seem more relatable to the nanny.
  • The red carpet is dripping in sequined Marc Jacobs gowns because he has exactly one look and sticks with it!
  • Sources claim Maisie Williams did not wear her Heron Preston denim ensemble better than Hailey Baldwin Bieber. I highly disagree!
  • Nina Agdal, fresh from her Conair hair brush sponsored event, wore a Zimmermann frock.
  • Something called the Brock Collection was seen on Ginnifer Goodwin and Bryce Dallas Howard, two likely and obvious candidates for the demure, laced gown.

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Loose Talk:

This is where Us Weekly employs an intern whose sole job is scouring Instagram and reading celebrity tweets. It’s also the section that kept Dax Shepard employed for over a decade. (Thanks to Loose Talk, I’ve never seen an episode of James Corden’s late night show but could quote it word for word!)

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  • Anthony Anderson revealed that his massive townhouse is filled with nothing but shoes and clothes.
  • Aubrey Plaza, noted weird and interesting girl with cool things to say, opened up about technology: “Robots will kill us all. We’re naive in thinking that these devices aren’t going to turn on us one day.”
  • John Mayer, attempting relatability, tweeted about Pantone colors.
  • Tom Hanks claimed it was great to grow a beard until you start absentmindedly combing it with a fork.
  • Matthew Koma spoke up in Hilary Duff’s Instagram comments: “Really into your latest content.”

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Hot Pics:

Having aggregated thousands of photos on their dot com, Us Weekly prints those with the largest cache in their print magazine. Usual tropes include: parenting, anyone named Jennifer, men holding babies, and Selena Gomez.

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  • George and Amal Clooney partied with the Obamas in Europe.
  • Lizzo performed at Pride.
  • Ed Sheeran and his dad enjoyed a cricket match.
  • La La Anthony stepped out in pleather.
  • Colin Hanks filmed a television show you won’t be watching.
  • Cardi B wore couture to the courthouse.
  • Andy Cohen, pivoting to mommy blogger, posted a sponsored ad for Amazon Prime’s “New Dad Essentials list.”
  • Irina Shayk had a smile on her face during a stroll just weeks before her split from Bradley Cooper.”
  • Jessie James Decker cooked kebabs in a bikini.
  • Antoni posed with a pack of Boursin cheese.
  • Pete Davidson dribbled a basketball.

They’re Just Like Us!

This is the “comedy corner,” where Us Weekly brings in a stand-up from the local Comedy Shack and tasks them with the incredible feat of making jokes about famouses.

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  • They ride scooters!
  • They hit theme parks!
  • They eat ice cream!
  • They hail cabs!
  • They make drinks!
  • They feed the meter!

What’s In My Bag:

A staple feature in Us Weekly’s arsenal, What’s In My Bag is usually an innocuous outlet for celebrities to breed relatability, shill their sponsored products, or grab the attention of the Daily Mail news circuit. Here’s what in Sara Sampaio’s “Chanel crossbody.”

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  • She “just discovered” Lucas’ Papaw Ointment, which she uses as a daily moisturizer. It’s her “little secret.”
  • Without Armani concealer, she simply could not get through the day.
  • Her boyfriend wrote “I love you!” on an “ace of hearts card,” which she carries around with her everywhere.
  • On planes, she brings the 111Skin Rose Gold Brightening masks.
  • Her current reading? A play called The Motherfucker With the Hat.
  • She carries keys for her NYC, L.A., and Portugal apartments on separate keychains.

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25 Things You Didn’t Know About Me (with Machine Gun Kelly)

The name speaks for itself.

  • 1. He bought his first keyboard with a trash bag full of coins.
  • 2. The rapper often finds himself juggling objects that are on fire.
  • 6. He never took a senior picture because he’s edgy.
  • 7. Hearing Lil Wayne songs reminds him of washing dishes while working at Chipotle.
  • 10. The sound of kissing irritates him.
  • 11. He has a foot fetish.
  • 14. He tattooed his nipples.
  • 19. He owns a coffee shop.
  • 20. The sounds of screaming girls at a Backstreet Boys concert caused him to throw up.
  • 21. He once rode on Dave Chappelle’s private jet with Pete Davidson.
  • 25. Again, he wants you to know he’s edgy because he once fucked on top of a cop car.

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And that’s it. That’s literally the entire magazine. Enjoy this week’s collage!