This Week In Tabloids: Bruce Jenner Photoshopped Into Contoured Lady
CelebritiesWelcome to Midweek Madness, where we frantically shovel the crumpled up pages of inTouch, OK!, Life & Style, Star, and Us Weekly into our gaping food-holes until, ink-stained and up-to-date on human stuff, we are sated. This week: InTouch grabbed some pals of Bruce Jenner to crowdsource a photoshopped image of what he might look like as a full-blown woman and MADE IT THEIR COVER; Miley is controlling, pregnant, and high on drugs; Khloe Kardashian’s butt implants are leaking; her sister Kylie is suspected of lip injections/general ennui; and LeAnn Rimes is having a baby WITH or WITHOUT her husband’s support.
Can’t wait for your compliments below, let’s do this!
inTouch
MY LIFE AS A WOMAN
Bruce Jenner, whose divorce was finalized in December, “will come clean in 2015 about transitioning” and wants to come out on the cover of The Advocate, an LGBT magazine. He can expect no support from his ex, Kris Jenner, who is known to transition into a hydra every third Sunday. “Kris is embarrassed by Bruce’s transition and only cares about how all this will affect her reputation,” notes a source. Listen, not everybody can be honest with themselves! Luckily for everyone, InTouch has developed some Exclusive New Art, seen on the cover: “Multiple sources and insiders familiar with the situation revealed exclusively to InTouch what Bruce wants to look like when his transformation is complete, and their inside knowledge was used for our cover photo recreation.” Fun scarf, New Bruce!
FETUS NEWS: Elsewhere on the farm, Kylie Jenner is pregnant with Tyga‘s baby, which explains her big new tetz and a plate of food she had one time that was “piled high with fried chicken, french fries, and not one but two kinds of pasta!” Kris is planning to kill her daughter, who “really wants to have this baby.” Beyoncé is 100% pregnant with a child made of sand; father-to-be Jay Z likes Blue okay but has felt an “emptiness,” aka Girl Child Syndrome, and is pumped to push her aside in favor of a male heir. MONOGAMY NEWS: The Bachelorette‘s Andi Dorfman and Josh Something did Not. Split. Amicably. Josh was “very controlling,” Andi “loves the spotlight.” 2nd grade is a hard year, though.
Grade: C (drinking poisoned OJ in a forgotten corner of LaGuardia)
Life & Style
PREGNANT & DUMPED
In this week’s cover story, Maria Shriver told son Patrick, 21, that Miley “notoriously lax about birth control” Cyrus, 22, isn’t wife material during a routine tropical family intervention in Hawaii. The matriarch “reached her breaking point” when a photo surfaced of Miley bein’ Miley on her laptop surrounded by clumps of weed, a rolled up dollar bill, and a “vial of white powder.” Even though the duo had a commitment ceremony in a Miami hotel room that was “very real for Miley” despite “the rings fashioned from rolling papers and a little-person stripper acting as a minister,” Patrick was like, I need space? to which Miley replied, “Well, you can’t, because I’m pregnant!” According to reports, the future deadbeat dad is “still finessing” his exit plan…probs b/c his brain is too clouded from Miley’s grade-A weed, roit??!?
Selena Gomez & friends were like, fuck boys, let’s go get shitfaced in Dubai; she shared a “cozy camel ride” with European soccer star Sejad Salihovic and the camel was like, you two are so cute but get off!!!! Mariah Carey is sadly not in as #powerful a headspace re: her breakup with Nick Cannon—she went ahead and got real weird in Aspen, buying him $25K worth of unidentified gifts (30 pairs of skis for each time they had sex? 100 Lululemon meditation beads for healing/karma?) and inviting a guy in a Santa costume to come chill in her vacation home. Britt IDK, an early frontrunner on Chris Soules‘ season of The Bachelor, is a Liar And We All Know It; it’s obvious because she’s an actress who starred in the 2011 blockbuster hit short film you’ve definitely heard of, Innocent Attraction. Which is what this ISN’T, TO BE CLEAR.