This Week In Tabloids: Brad and Angie Are Divorcing Because She's Jealous of Selena Gomez?

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we find ourselves continuously intrigued by the fact that every single tabloid is obsessed with pink and yellow. This week, Angie and Brad are over because of Selena (they’re not), Kim can’t stop eating (yes she can), Miley’s married (no she’s not), and Casey Anthony is pregnant (I need to leave Earth).

Ugh.

Over the past few weeks, the tabs have all covered the same stories, so this week, instead of breaking it down by mag, let’s look at how they all tackled the same people!

Angelina & Brad

OK, let’s start at the beginning. The big stuff. The important news. Angelina Jolie is divorcing Brad Pitt because she suspects he’s cheating on her with Selena Gomez. This sounds nuts because it is nuts—the kind of bonkers celebrity rumor that’s based on the teensiest, tiniest bit of circumstantial evidence. In this instance, that evidence is the fact that Gomez and Pitt both appeared in The Big Short. Star claims fans have “wondered how close the pair [have] become” since appearing in an photo together (at what I believe was a Golden Globes party), but if working together once and attending the same party is all it takes to make you a couple, Brad Pitt is also cheating on Angelina Jolie with Susan Sarandon, Geena Davis, Anthony Hopkins, and Jonah Hill. Meanwhile, I’m in an exceedingly unhappy and communication-free polyamorous relationship with scores of former coworkers whose names I don’t remember. In other Jolie-Pitt news, the folks at Life & Style and In Touch are very worried about Angie’s health, and—full disclosure/rightly or wrongly—I’m starting to become one of those people! In Touch claims it’s a mysterious autoimmune disease, and that she’s currently being tested for Addison’s, “which can be life-threatening if not treated properly.” She is reportedly “terrified.”

Miley & Liam

Moving on, we’ve got two contradictory exclusives about Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth. Star and OK! claim Miley is attempting to get herself pregnant ASAP so she can “put Liam Hemsworth on lockdown,” but Life & Style is reporting they’re already married, sans pregnancy. Who should we believe? Well, none of them—but if forced to choose, I’d go with Life & Style, because I buy a story about Miley having a “secret beach wedding” over a diabolical pregnancy trap. So. Let’s discuss the wedding. It happened “over the winter holidays” while Miley was visiting the Hemsworths in the mythical land from which Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman were spit out, Australia. The magazine has plenty of details about the ceremony, including the fact that their rings were “fashioned from palm fronds,” and this report from a guest:

Liam asked everyone in his family to hold a candle. He and Miley lit each one, saying it represented the eternal flame of their love.

Notably absent from the description are any details about Chris Hemsworth, who was presumably whispering, “Wait, what’s happening? Who is this again? Why are we here? What is this candle for? Is that Liam?” Additionally, please note the absence of Miley’s family, who “couldn’t make it” because the event was “so last minute.” No matter, though, because the couple can invite the Cyrus clan in March, when they “sign papers in LA.”

Kim & Kanye

Speaking of signing papers, Kim and Kanye are about to sign a huge stack of ones that say “DIVORCE!!!” at the top. Though she “used to be charmed by Kanye’s outlandish behavior,” she’s more than over it at this point, and finds it “irritating and off-putting.” In Touch’s sources add to the story, claiming Kim is “livid” about his rants “making the Kardashians look bad.” Which. I mean, let’s not even go there. We’ve been there too many times this month and it’s just not worth rehashing. Anyway, Kimberly has reportedly told her lawyers to draw up divorce papers “so if she decides to end the marriage, she’s ready to go.” This is a smart move, because everyone should have a Go Bag filled with cash, water, toiletries, extra sets of keys, a battery-powered radio, flashlight, medication, non-perishable food, and a spare set of divorce papers.