Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we cure ourselves of Senioritis with a dose of penicillin and get back to business. This week, Amal Clooney is pregnant with a girl, Jessica Biel is pregnant with twins, and Blake Shelton is pregnant...with racism!
Do do do, here we go.
Blake Shelton fans have discovered a few of his more—uh, how do I put this delicately—racist, homophobic, backwoods-ass tweets, and boy are they upset! Though many of them have since been deleted, In Touch has provided screengrabs of several, which say things like, “Wish the dickhead in the next room would either shut up or learn some English so I would atleast know what he’s planning to bomb,” “If you haven’t noticed Richard Simmons is gay, you haven’t noticed Katy Perrys boobs,” “I was 19 years old when my heart first got broken...I’m over it now but I wonder what that fat ugly bitch is up to,” “Standing in line at a coffee shop in LA talking with the man in front of me. He orders a skinny caramel latte. I couldn’t tell he was gay!!!”
Get the picture?
His fans are upset, and so are people who already found him insufferable—like me and Gavin Rossdale, who considers Shelton’s perceived racism and homophobia to be “an issue that directly impacts their children.” Even Gwen Stefani, the woman he may eventually marry if the antichrist has his way, “has been told by friends that this is a huge red flag.” I would call it more of a red flag with a blue X and white stars down the X, but let’s not get caught up in the minor details.
- Reese Witherspoon and the husband I always forget about, Jim Toth, are living “separate lives.”
- Tom Hiddleston proposed to Taylor Swift and she was like, “I’m good, but thanks.”
- Jennifer Aniston was offered her mother’s ashes and was like, “I’m good, but thanks.”
- Michael Levine still hates his brother Adam for outing him in 2011, something I completely forgot about!
- You must carry “whimsical bags” and wear “edgy ponytails” and “lace-up dresses.”
There are rumors swirling that Amal Clooney is pregnant with a girl, and George can “hardly contain himself.” Apparently they tried to get preggo via the old in-n-out, but that wasn’t working so they tried IVF. After seven months, presto! Amal’s got somethin’ growing inside her, and I’m not talking about regret.
In advance of the little bundle of pranks, the Clooneys will soon move into their “just-renovated U.K. estate, where George will settle into a life of paternal bliss.” Can you believe that sentence was written in OK? I can’t! Anyway, a very nosy source claims if spending time with his family “means his career goes on the back burner, he’s fine with that.”
These are OK!’s rankings of Hollywood’s best and worst moms. Most of the accompanying blurbs contained no quotable lines. A few did.
Katie Holmes - “[Suri] considers Katie her best friend.”
Sarah Jessica Parker - “She loves living like a normal mom.”
Nicole Kidman - “When Bella wed last year, she wasn’t invited!”
Sandra Bullock “The Gravity star couldn’t be a more grateful, down-to-earth mom.”
Madonna “Living with Madonna is an emotional roller coaster.”
Tori Spelling “She treats [her children] like cash cows.”
Jada Pinkett Smith “Jada would rather be her kids’ best friend and No. 1 fan than their mom.”
Farrah Abraham “Farrah’s idea of perfect happiness is looking sexy.”
- Hailey Baldwin wore it better than Emily Ratajkowski.
- Denise Richards wore it better than Joanna Krupa.
- Sandra Bullock wore it better than Levin Rambin.
- Brie Larson and Tom Hiddleston are costars in the new King Kong movie and guess what! They hate each other’s guts!
- Britney Spears really wants to marry a Silicon Valley geek.
- Princess Diana’s bodyguard won’t stop blabbering.
Can you think of anything less boring than what’s going on inside Jessica Biel’s uterus? I’m trying to right now and am drawing a blank, but let’s discuss it anyway. So, she’s pregnant with twins after “turning to IVF,” has been “experiencing some pretty bad morning sickness,” and cannot for the life of her figure out what to name them. This isn’t a point of contention for the couple—no no, that would be too interesting. It’s just something they’ll eventually work out.
OH!! Oh! Oh! Watching someone slowly paint a second layer of white paint on the walls of an empty, windowless room while listening to the audio track of the Gus Van Sant film Gerry. That’s more boring than what’s going on inside Jessica Biel’s uterus.
- Hahaha Robert Herjavec’s kids didn’t attend his wedding to Kym Johnson.
- Chrissy Teigen is dying to have another baby.
- Blake and Gwen are getting married in Oklahoma on Christmas, which should ruin the holidays of at least 300 guests.
- Jessica and Ashlee Simpson are both pregnant at the same time, which could be the plot of Father of the Bride: Part III.