This Week in Tabloids: Battle of the Celebrity Engagement Rings

A BABY WITH HER NEW MAN

There’s no interview with Khloe Kardashian, and no quotes from her, and yet the magazine claims she’s made “a big announcement about having a baby.” The article does include quotes from French Montana’s ex, who informs us that he bareky sees the 4-year-old he already has. OH SNAP. The piece ends with a source saying, “Khloe’s baby dream is even bigger than finding the man of her dreams.” Best of luck to her. Also inside: Brad and Angelina have been together for ten years now, and the mag looks back at their milestones: Sparks on the set, frolicking on a Kenyan beach, the birth of Shiloh, the adoption of Zahara and Pax, the arrival of the twin deities, etc. Not included: The hundreds of magazine covers declaring their separation, with covers like “BRAD STORMS OFF.” Moving along: Katy Perry was spotted kissing Robert Pattinson at a Coachella party, and an “insider” swears there’s sexual tension there. Things go even further downhill toward the end of the issue: A 2-page spread called “Reality’s Riches Divas” will make you feel poor and depressed. (Fig. 2) A 2-page spread titled “Battle of the Engagement Bling” sheds light on the secret underground celebrity diamond fight club. (Fig. 3) And last, but not least, on the “Knifestyles of the Rich and Famous” page, there’s a box titled “The Man’s View,” in which dudes were polled about whether or not they like Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting better before or after her boob job. (Fig. 4) Believe it or not, the dudes were pro-implants. News you can use!

Grade: F (NO GOOD)

BABY NEWS!

MAJOR Teen Mom news: that show is still on the air; in an even more shocking development, people are still talking about it. In other news, Kris Jenner lost consciousness and went to the hospital, maybe because she’s stressed that her clients/offspring aren’t listening to her as much as they used to. That seems like a medically sound diagnosis! Speaking of medically sound diagnoses, the mag spoke to a doctor who has never treated Miley Cyrus and he says that she’s probably lying about why she’s in the hospital because her reaction should have gone away overnight. Ok, yeah, her long stay does seem suspicious but I also feel like there should be something in the Hippocratic oath about not dispensing medical advice to tabloids or something. InTouch hypothesizes that her drug use is endangering her heart, which is something they made up last week. Moving on: Laura Prepon is America’s Next Top Tom Cruise’s Wife, even though both have said that they’ve never met before. They are secretly dating, insists the article, and they met at Scientology parties. Those are a great place to meet fellow singles in one’s area, as we all know. Also inside: the mag obtained a letter sent from Ramona Singer’s husband’s mistress to Ramona Singer. It is gross, and it mostly focuses on how mistress and husband are really, really in love, ok. Here’s my fav line: “I don’t think we ever fought, except when we were in Boca and you [his wife] texted him during dinner. He makes me want to be a better person.” Our only fight was over the fact that he was betraying his family with me!!!! He inspires me every day!!!! And, in Teen Trainwreck news, Kendall and Kylie Jenner are “OUT OF CONTROL.” A source says, “A friend got Kylie a shot of vodka and warned her to be discreet about it.” Quoth another, “I saw [Kendall] eating a tequila-infused popsicle at the Lacoste Pool Party.” OH MY GOD, THEY ARE TOTALLY WILD. SOMEONE CALL THE RIOT POLICE.

Grade: F (VERY BAD)

TORI’S DRUG NIGHTMARE!

Here’s a new twist on the Tori-Dean cheating situation: Tori Spelling is a bad mother who abuses Vicodin and Oxycodone. “Tori only uses her children as props for photo ops,” says a source who later adds that Dean McDermott does all the work. That’s why Tori doesn’t want Dean to leave: otherwise, “she’d have to learn to cook, read stories and be a good mom.” Blergh. Also, the magazine blames Dean’s cheating on her — for not having enough sex with him. This story is gross. Moving on, Star has its own Miley Cyrus hospital visit truther theory, which is that she’s detoxing. They’ve also spoken to a doctor who isn’t treating her, and he also notes that her stay (5-27 days) is unusually long. He proposes that she’s going through a detox program because using drugs, as is allegedly Miley’s wont, could worsen her sinus infection and cause brain damage. Ok, doctor. In other news, Selena Gomez was very drunk at Coachella; she was flailing around all wobbly-like, and Justin Bieber did not help because he loved it. Says a source, “Selena is a trainwreck. If she doesn’t get away from Justin and get herself in check, it’s only a matter of time before something tragic happens to her. Everyone in her circle is calling them a New Age Romeo and Juliet.” Happy birthday, Shakespeare!!! Elsewhere in the magazine, Kristen Stewart is dating her best friend Alicia Cargile, which we know because they borrow each other’s clothing a lot. Whatever, I would love it if this were true. And, in a Star exclusive, celebrity’s manicurists talk about whether celebrities are good at getting manicures or not. Oprah’s manicurist says she is distracted but tips very well; Jennifer Aniston’s says she is kind and inquisitive; and Salma Hayek is reportedly cranky and mean. What a stunning scoop.

Grade: F (insert gif of nope nope octopus)

Addendum

Fig, 1, from Us

Fig. 2, from Life & Style

Fig. 2, from Life & Style

Fig. 3, from Life & Style