Welcome to Jezebel’s Midweek Madness, where intrepid local menace Joan Summers is reporting live from Jennifer Aniston & Brad Pitt’s surprise gender reveal party. Didn’t know she was pregnant? Shocked they’re even together? Well, I’m here to tell you they’re serving dry cake pops and a warm Caesar salad.

Welcome back to the weird, wonderful world of tabloids. Let’s dive in!

Image: In Touch Magazine

In Touch:

In Touch’s commitment to the alleged pregnancy of Hydration Expert Jennifer Aniston with William “Bradley” Pitt remains unflinching, it seems. They’re having a girl! Courtney Cox won’t be the godmother! Despite Jen’s worries about being an “old” mom, Sandra Bullock ignored the optics and told the Aveeno spokeswoman, “Age is just a number!” The tabloid also alleges that international seductress Angelina Jolie has concocted a plot to seduce Justin “Back Tattoo” Theroux, ignoring the fact that she’s definitely 20 years too old for him. I could not care less, but thanks for the updates, In Touch! In other news, former “Boy Band” host Rita Ora allegedly wore Versace just as good as Naomi Campbell, Nick Jonas licked Priyanka Chopra’s face in public, and part-time Panera Bread spokeswoman Kaley Cuoco wore a dress with pockets. Fun!

More importantly, did you hear that international superstar Jojo Siwa ran notorious gas station loiterer Justin Bieber over with her rainbow BMW? Metaphorically, of course. In between clammy stints of holding Haley Bieber’s hand in public, Justin took to Instagram and commented “burn it” under a photo of the 15 year old’s whip. After a back and forth involving stage moms and cardboard cutouts, the Hillsong attendee apologized. “I really hope you didn’t think it was malicious or mean spirited.” Jojo’s response? “You can perform at my 16th birthday party and we’ll call it good.” Better get some hand cream for those burns, Justin!

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There’s a Very Shocking Blurb! concerning Dwayne “I’m Definitely Running For President” Johnson and recent addition to the Illuminati Emily Blunt. The Car Movie actor is reportedly making $13 million more for the The Jungle Book remake than his co-star. Thank god feminism’s contribution to Hollywood has been the heightened concerned over how many millions of dollars women get paid to (ALLEGEDLY) sell their souls to Mickey Mouse. Hoping the best for everyone involved. More importantly, I’d like to discuss this extremely staged photograph taken shortly after chaos merchants KKW and Kanye West announced their pregnancy via surrogate. Why is she biting his mustache while he sucks on her bottom lip! I deserve answers!

Image: In Touch Magazine

What else?

  • Isla Fisher is an unrecognizable blonde.
  • Scientologist Tom Cruise allegedly went to Disneyland with a Suri Cruise body double. More importantly, where is Shelly, Tom!
  • Please leave Amber Heard alone.
  • Demi Burnett, noted Bachelor seductress and Pottery Barn cashier, continues to have her business blasted on national television. She’s known to not pay her rent. Who isn’t?
  • Luka Sabbat took some time out of getting sued by Snapchat to get back together with Kourtney Kardashian.

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Image: Star Magazine

Star:

I’m not going to touch this ridiculously offensive Jessica Simpson cover because I think the former “A Public Affair” singer has been through enough. The “shocking” story here is that, like most pregnant women, the Nordstrom Rack shoe designer is currently growing a human being and needs food to keep them both alive. Regardless, there’s another Kimye divorce blurb which asserts that a divorce between the two would have KKW “[raising] the baby alone.” I wonder how invisible Kris “thank u, next bitch!” Jenner and her army of nannies felt reading this. Hold on tight to your optics, Kris! Your year is shaping up to be an explosive one.

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In Canadian ex-patriot news, Duchess Meghan’s father, Thomas Markle, is allegedly planning on flying out of his remote Mexican village to crash the palace gates. An “insider” spills that upon learning the news her estranged father might sue her for visitation rights of her unborn baby, the former Zara shopper exclaimed, “Why does everyone hate me!” Because I’m a Serious Journalist With An Interest In Politics, I do need to mention Angelina Jolie’s apparent bid for the White House. While the messenger may be easy to dismiss, it’s a rumor that’s been swirling among gossip bloggers for quite some time now. Her motto? “I always say I’ll go where I’m needed.” Who wants to tell her first?

  • There are claims from sources that Justin Theroux’s mid-life crisis includes “wearing metrosexual outfits” and model planes?
  • An extremely rude source claims that Miley Cyrus and One of the Hemsworths got married not for love, or even a baby. It was for tax purposes after their house burned down!
  • A weirdo followed Kelly Osbourne out of a West Hollywood bathroom to laugh at some toilet paper stuck to her shoe.
  • Kourtney “Totally Fine With Sofia Richie” Kardashian wore a bikini in Aspen because she’s a hip and fun mom.

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Image: Ok! Magazine

New Year, New Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx cover! Do they have a couple name yet? (Kamie? Jatie? KaJa? Koxx?) Ok! spills the juiciest details from this wedding that Definitely Happened According To Sources™, like the absolutely shocking claim that the Scientology escapee wore Zac Posen down the aisle. (No shade, it’s just how I feel!) After the ceremony, the elusive duo dropped over $200,000 on champagne to compliment a “custom fireworks show” above the Eiffel Tower (which there is shockingly no evidence of.) It also seems like Suri Cruise is actually an X-Men! Her tabloid escapades have the very rich pre-teen’s clones appearing in Disneyland, NYC, and Paris simultaneously. Xenu’s impact!

It wouldn’t be Ok! if there wasn’t a love triangle TWIST! This week has retired Bird Box meme Sandra Bullock torn between two jawlines: Keanu Reeves and boyfriend Bryan Randall! Sources tell the magazine it started after Sandra Bullock made the shocking confession to big-check holding Ellen Degeneres that Keanu was nice to her on the set of Speed. 15 years hasn’t dimmed the flames of passion one bit!. Despite her long-term romance with Randall, Sandra is “weighing her options” and “shaken” at the idea of choosing between her actual boyfriend and one time The Lake House costar. From all the staff at Jezebel: SSAKTBOS! (Stay Strong And Keep That Blindfold On, Sandra!)

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Image: Ok! Magazine

What else? JLaw is allegedly beefing with Stefani “Tied With Glenn Close” Germonatta over her “work wife” relationship with (Don’t Say Anything Shady) Bradley Cooper. After reporting that Selena Gomez was on the edge of relapsing barely a week ago, Ok! has pivoted! According to sources, she’s found a “wellness guru” whose primary advice is a Justin Bieber free lifestyle. Sign me up! Lastly, Ok! is still pushing the narrative that it’s Totally Cool And Honestly Fine that former-17 year old Sofia Richie and 15 years her elder Scott Disick are a “modern family.” Weekly reminder that she was a teen when the human embodiment of back sweat was feeling her up on yachts.

  • Ariana Madix is officially cancer free. EXCUSE ME!?
  • Eyeglasses Designer Hilary Duff named her baby Banks Violet Bair?
  • Camila Cabello can officially add Sketchers Spokeswoman to her resume. I’m not even being rude, there’s a full page advertorial for a shoe called the “D’Lite”.

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Image: Life & Style Magazine

Life & Style:

I have a question for the Powers That Be: Will “Meghan Markle Is A Menace” be the millennial “Brad & Jen & Angie” tabloid cover? Is this a spectre that will haunt me to the end of my life, my wrinkled and overly moisturized hands sliding across Markle’s January 16, 2063 Closer cover? Will I be reading about Kate Middleton crying in closets on the space-bus to Mars? I’m getting bored! In more important Gay Drama News, it’s the War of the Stefani’s as Lady Gaga’s Enigma residency has allegedly outsold and outspent Gwen Stefani’s Hollaback Girl Just A Girl...residency? Wait, we gave her one of those? Thank god for the Life & Style spies, who did the important work of tallying the celebs spotted at both. In Gaga’s camp we have: Katy Perry, Celine Dion, Regina King, and Adam Lambert. Gwen? Well, at least Dr. Phil showed up!

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There’s still rumors that Jerry O’Connell is Black Swan-ing The Wendy Williams show after his aggressively heterosexual stint as a third string Andy Cohen intern. Wendy needs a “how you doing?” now more than ever! What’s most shocking this week is spread on”HAPPILY UN-ENGAGED” couples including Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling, Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russel, Maya Rudolph and Paul Thomas Anderson, and ARIANA MADIX AND TOM SANDOVAL? Which of these Vanderpump Rules demons called in a favor to their friends at Life & Style? Ariana “wants to go to outer space so bad” before she considers marriage. Good luck, buddy!

  • Miley Cyrus owns a pinata onesie.
  • Please don’t ask me about Christina El Moussa and Ant Anstead.
  • There’s yet another Katharine McPheeWho Wore It Better.” Do you think her gay boys exclusively dress her in other people’s outfits so she has something to be written about?
  • Life & Style asserts that Vanessa Hudgens is a “successful singer” and “nail polish” entrepreneur”?

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Image: Us Weekly

Us Weekly:

BREAKING NEWS: US WEEKLY INVENTS A CONCEPT CALLED GENDER TO SELL YOU A PICKUP TRUCK! Much like gender itself, this truck is an agent of late-stage capitalism that runs on harmful byproducts of industrialization that are rapidly eroding this planet’s ability to sustain life.

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What else?

  • There’s a Meghan Markle cover hidden beneath this I won’t be discussing with you.
  • Blonde somebody Colton Underwood is probably not a virgin anymore.
  • Patti Stanger, noted reality television matchmaker and body-con dress enthusiast, reveals she’s a psychic who predicted Lady Gaga’s engagement to Taylor Kinney.
  • “Sources” at Us Weekly report that those weren’t Depends™ on Madonna, but implants! Get it? But implants? Butt implants? Eh? Eh?
  • Excedrin Spokesperson Antoni Porowski celebrated the limited edition Rose Gold card from American Express in NYC. He loves his #spon!
  • Ariana Grande wants you to know she’s been through a lot.
  • Bradley Cooper’s teeth keep getting whiter?

See you on the flip side! Here’s this week’s collage: