This Week In Tabloids: Are You Ready For Angelina Jolie's Presidential Run?
Celebrities
Welcome to Jezebel’s Midweek Madness, where intrepid local menace Joan Summers is reporting live from Jennifer Aniston & Brad Pitt’s surprise gender reveal party. Didn’t know she was pregnant? Shocked they’re even together? Well, I’m here to tell you they’re serving dry cake pops and a warm Caesar salad.
Welcome back to the weird, wonderful world of tabloids. Let’s dive in!
In Touch:
In Touch’s commitment to the alleged pregnancy of Hydration Expert Jennifer Aniston with William “Bradley” Pitt remains unflinching, it seems. They’re having a girl! Courtney Cox won’t be the godmother! Despite Jen’s worries about being an “old” mom, Sandra Bullock ignored the optics and told the Aveeno spokeswoman, “Age is just a number!” The tabloid also alleges that international seductress Angelina Jolie has concocted a plot to seduce Justin “Back Tattoo” Theroux, ignoring the fact that she’s definitely 20 years too old for him. I could not care less, but thanks for the updates, In Touch! In other news, former “Boy Band” host Rita Ora allegedly wore Versace just as good as Naomi Campbell, Nick Jonas licked Priyanka Chopra’s face in public, and part-time Panera Bread spokeswoman Kaley Cuoco wore a dress with pockets. Fun!
More importantly, did you hear that international superstar Jojo Siwa ran notorious gas station loiterer Justin Bieber over with her rainbow BMW? Metaphorically, of course. In between clammy stints of holding Haley Bieber’s hand in public, Justin took to Instagram and commented “burn it” under a photo of the 15 year old’s whip. After a back and forth involving stage moms and cardboard cutouts, the Hillsong attendee apologized. “I really hope you didn’t think it was malicious or mean spirited.” Jojo’s response? “You can perform at my 16th birthday party and we’ll call it good.” Better get some hand cream for those burns, Justin!
There’s a Very Shocking Blurb! concerning Dwayne “I’m Definitely Running For President” Johnson and recent addition to the Illuminati Emily Blunt. The Car Movie actor is reportedly making $13 million more for the The Jungle Book remake than his co-star. Thank god feminism’s contribution to Hollywood has been the heightened concerned over how many millions of dollars women get paid to (ALLEGEDLY) sell their souls to Mickey Mouse. Hoping the best for everyone involved. More importantly, I’d like to discuss this extremely staged photograph taken shortly after chaos merchants KKW and Kanye West announced their pregnancy via surrogate. Why is she biting his mustache while he sucks on her bottom lip! I deserve answers!
What else?
- Isla Fisher is an unrecognizable blonde.
- Scientologist Tom Cruise allegedly went to Disneyland with a Suri Cruise body double. More importantly, where is Shelly, Tom!
- Please leave Amber Heard alone.
- Demi Burnett, noted Bachelor seductress and Pottery Barn cashier, continues to have her business blasted on national television. She’s known to not pay her rent. Who isn’t?
- Luka Sabbat took some time out of getting sued by Snapchat to get back together with Kourtney Kardashian.
Star:
I’m not going to touch this ridiculously offensive Jessica Simpson cover because I think the former “A Public Affair” singer has been through enough. The “shocking” story here is that, like most pregnant women, the Nordstrom Rack shoe designer is currently growing a human being and needs food to keep them both alive. Regardless, there’s another Kimye divorce blurb which asserts that a divorce between the two would have KKW “[raising] the baby alone.” I wonder how invisible Kris “thank u, next bitch!” Jenner and her army of nannies felt reading this. Hold on tight to your optics, Kris! Your year is shaping up to be an explosive one.
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