This Week In Tabloids: Angelina's Rough Sex With Ralph Fiennes & Shiloh's Harmful Haircut

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, where you’ll find answers to burning questions. Like: Is Angelina using Shiloh to challenge gender norms? Is Mary-Kate Olsen hooking up with Sam Ronson? What would Brad Pitt look like if he’d been in Avatar?

This week we were disappointed by the cover stories of In Touch, Life & Style, Us, Ok! and Star. Our burning question would be: Why do the Kardashians keep landing tabloid covers? Don’t we know everything there is to know about these women? And why, in 2010, five years after their breakup, is a magazine declaring, “Brad And Jen Are Soulmates”?

On the other hand, hidden inside the mags, beyond the cover teases, there are sparkling gems of gossip. To the mines!

In Touch
“Humiliated By Their Men.”
No, actually — humiliated by In Touch! Anyway: Kourtney Kardashian is “haunted” by Scott Disick’s past. According to the mag, Scott was known as hard partier, a serial cheater, and, as one high school acquaintance puts it, “a tool.” Another source says: “Scott had a couple of nicknames in high school. One was Number One Scum and the other was STD.” Scott apparently wore silver dog tags with the initials STD engraved on them… We’re guessing his middle name Todd or something, but this is not clarified. Kim Kardashian is “desperate” to marry “before she turns 30” (she’s 29) and is “pressuring” Reggie Bush (he’s 25). Khloe Kardashian’s husband Lamar Odom might be “using her” for publicity. A “friend” says: “Lamar wasn’t even on the public radar until he married Khloe. Now he’s getting endorsement deals left and right.” Also, Khloe and Lamar are seeing a marriage counselor. Moving on: The story called “Why Is Jonathan Always On His Tippy-Toes?” is pictorial showing how Jonathan Rhys Meyers always stands on his toes. Breaking: Shiloh and Suri have “such different styles.” (See image 7). In Brad/Angie/Jen news, Brad’s been in Europe while Angie has been filming, and Brad was spotted wearing an antique pendant necklace that Jen gave him for his 45th birthday. The mag reads: “Knowing that he can’t see Jen for a while — and knowing that Angelina is setting up photo ops of their family — Brad wore Jen’s special gift again in Paris.” Ok, sure. The mag also declares: “Brad and Jen are soulmates.” Sigh. Next: “They’re Young & Thin But They Still Have Cellulite” is our absolute least favorite kind of tabloid piece. A plastic surgeon says: “Ninety percent of all women have cellulite,” and the mag adds: “these youthful and fit celebs are no exception.” The doctor emphasizes that no matter how much the stars work out, “females are prone to cellulite from a purely anatomical point of view.” And yet the mag feels the need to print six close-up pictures of thighs and butts. Fuck that. We’re not even going to tell who the stars are, because it’s just cruel that such a story exists. Lastly: Heidi Montag will have a “baby for publicity.” A source says that Heidi and Spencer have “already secured a deal with a tabloid” to chronicle “every step of her impending motherhood.” “She’s not even pregnant yet, but she and Spencer have already signed the papers,” says an insider. “They’re planning staged photos every step of the way — the pregnancy, the birth, and of course, the first baby picture.”
Grade: D- (dead canary)

Us
“How She Tricked Him.”
After running stories about how Vienna from The Bachelor is a slutty gold-digging ex-Hooters hustler, the magazine is now revealing that she had a strategy all along, and “became the woman Jake wanted,” lied to him, and shook her boobs in his face to win. Let’s move on. We like this weird quote from Ellen: “I can control Anderson Cooper’s thoughts with my mind. Usually I think, ‘Anderson, wear a tight T-shirt.'” Jon Gosselin is angry about Kate Gosselin being on Dancing With The Stars, because it will keep her away from the kids for days at a time, but she still won’t let him have extra custody. Kourtney Kardashian was overheard talking about breastfeeding during a business meeting with some dude: “If I have to feed him, I just whip it out. If I’m doing it in public and someone doesn’t like it — don’t look. I don’t give a shit. I have Khloe to remind me when it’s gone too far.” Lastly: Jennifer Lopez was overheard saying to Marc Anthony at the SNL wrap party: “Ooh, Papi, look!” as she ordered mini ice cream cones.
Grade: D- (mine explosion)

Ok!
“Bachelor Wedding Album.”
You know, we do not care about these people at all, but Ok! got some nice pictures, so if you are interested, you’ll see lots of wedding photos and relatives of people you know from TV. The bride’s dress was Monique Lhuillier; the shoes were green and Manolo Blahnik and matched the bridesmaids’ shoes; Ken Paves did the hair, etc. etc. Yawn. Moving: In a hotel room interview, Lindsay Lohan says: “When I was in school, I didn’t drink or even try alcohol —” (Didn’t you leave school when you were like 14?) ” — until I was probably 18. I’m not lying! I’m just made out all the time to be the bad guy!” The reporter states: “It’s probably because you were stopped for DUI twice and went to rehab three times.” LL answers: “The second two times I went to rehab, to be honest with you, it was a court thing, an obligation. I had to do it to stay out of jail. And I took responsibility for that. And it was like a vacation.” Then she’s asked how rehab was like vacation, and Lindsay says: “I met some great people. It was nice to shut everyone off for a while. I had put myself in situations that I probably should have thought through. But rehab was a positive experience. There are a lot of people that I know who should really be in rehab now — not for drugs or alcohol abuse, but just to learn about life.” She probably means is everyone needs a little therapy, but it’s way more hilarious the way she phrases it. Lastly, Kimora Lee Simmmons shares her diet and workout tips, and when asked if she and Djimon Hounsou will have another baby, quips: “Definitely. We practice all the time, and it’s a lot of fun.”
Grade: D (black lung)

Star
“Toxic Love!”
Doesn’t the cover leave you with the impression that “toxic love” is something awesome? The ladies look so happy! An insider says: “The Kardashians come across as best friends, but behind the scenes it’s all competition and one-upsmanship.” Kim is obsessed with getting married, but is afraid that Reggie is cheating on her. Khloe sees all of the attention Kourtney is getting with her newborn and wants one too, but Lamar would like to wait until they’ve been married for a year. (Have they even known each other for a year?) Scott Disick, as you may have heard, is a tool and a jerk! When Kourtney and Scott were at a party in Las Vegas, he was ignoring Kourtney and was overheard telling a friend: “I have a roll of hundreds burning a hole in my pocket that I’d love to spend at a strip club.” Klassy! Moving on: Someone sold pictures of Rihanna’s 22nd birthday party to the magazine. In the shots (see image 8), Rihanna is smushing cake into Matt Kemp’s face, getting a lap dance from porn star Bridget The Midget (which sounds trashy but looks fun and cute) and wearing a tiara while holding a cup which seems to read, “It’s My Birthday, Bitch.” A plastic surgeon who does not treat Yoanna House believes she had lower eyelid surgery and plumped her lips in addition to getting implants, and that’s why she looks different. Mary-Kate Olsen recently broke up with her boyfriend, and was seen making out with Josh Hartnett, but now she’s “getting close” to Samantha Ronson. An insider says: “Mary-Kate thinks Sam is very cool, and Sam thinks likewise.” M-K and Sam’s relationship is described as “very flirty” and “eyebrow-raising.” Is Kelly Rutherford “going for” her Gossip Girl husband Matthew Settle? Maybe. They’re both single now. Blind item! “Which starlet’s rep for having sticky fingers precedes her? While hosting a recent bash at a hotel, she had to put down a credit card, although she was only using the room to get ready. No mini-bar is safe from this girl!” While drinking at a bar in New York, Justin Timberlake requested pickle juice as a chaser for his shots. They didn’t have any, oddly enough, but a staffer “raced” across the street to the store and bought some. Lastly: Ginny Weasley from Harry Potter is dating Caius from New Moon, and if you know what that means, then you care about that stuff.
Grade: D (abandoned mine)

Life & Style
“Why Is Angelina Turning Shiloh Into A Boy?”
The first chunk of this story is about how Shiloh’s haircut “ignited a firestorm of controversy” and includes quotes from commenters on Perez Hilton (?!?) and other sites. A caption in the story notes that in 2009, Shiloh had a “serious sense of style” yet was “trendy but still feminine.” But now? Her haircut is “shockingly short” and she is a “total tomboy.” Apparently when Brad was on Oprah a while back, he mentioned that Shiloh wanted to be called John. The mag reads: “It doesn’t appear and Brad and Angie are forcing Shiloh into boys’ clothes” but “Angelina could easily persuade Shiloh to wear something more feminine” and “in the end, the parent is responsible for how a toddler dresses.” Then there’s a quote from Glenn Stanton, Director of Family Formation Studies at the conservative organization Focus On The Family. He says: “Little girls have never been women before.” O RLY? “They need help. They need guidance of what that looks like. It’s important to teach our children that gender distinction is very healthy.” The mag adds: “Though he says there’s nothing wrong with girls not wearing dresses, he believes parents should make sure they still look feminine.” Dude continues: “Parents need to be the parents and guide their children. You don’t want people asking, ‘Are you a little boy or a little girl?’ That will start to sink in.” The mag also talks to a psychotherapist named Jonathan Alpert, who says: “It’s hard for me to believe that a three-year-old would say, ‘Cut my hair like this.’ I think Brad and Angelina are trying to defy gender norms or cultural or social norms. To make a social statement via a child is unhealthy.” One last comment from Jennifer Aniston’s former stylist! Sam Saboura says: “[Shiloh] looks very chic and French. In Europe, girly doesn’t always mean pink and frilly.” Bless you, sir. Next: There’s a new book called Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie: The True Story by a British celebrity author named Jenny Paul. She interviewed Angelina’s late mother’s former boyfriend, and Angelina’s old “confidant,” rock singer Texas Terri. In the book, the sources say Angelina was sleeping with Jonny Lee Miller and Ralph Fiennes when she met Brad Pitt and she’d just ended a four-month relationship with Colin Farrell, because he was becoming obsessed with her, and he drank too much and wasn’t a good role model for Maddox. An insider claims that Angelina and Ralph Fiennes met for regular S&M sex sessions at a hotel in London. “They would order room service and watch the news together in bed afterward.” Also, when Angelina appeared in the 1997 Rolling Stones video for “Anybody Seen My Baby?” she was sleeping with Mick Jagger, even though he was married to Jerry Hall at the time. Crazytown. Next we learn that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart attended a movie premiere together and KStew actually smiled and worked the red carpet, “totally out of character for her.” John Cusack is dating Brooke Burns. A plastic surgeon who doesn’t treat her thinks Sandra Bullock had a Botox brow lift, a liquid face lift using Radiesse to lift the cheeks, and Juvederm injections to fill her naso-labial folds. But, he adds, “she looks natural and youthful.” Lastly, there’s a two-page spread of stars with Avatar makeovers, but what really caught our eye was a makeup page in which Beyoncé represents “dark” skin. (see image 9 and image 10.)
Grade: C (Six Flags Run-A-Way Mine Train)