This Week In Tabloids: Amy Sedaris Is Destroying Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux's Marriage
Celebrities
Welcome back to Midweek Madness, where this week Adele, Beyoncé, and Kate Middleton are ALL having babies, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s split is only getting dirtier, and the tabloids—desperate to keep Jennifer Aniston looking jealous and heartbroken—have invented a love triangle between the Friends star, her husband Justin Theroux and Amy Sedaris!
To quote Sedaris’ beloved character Jerri Blank, “I GOT SOMETHING TO SAY.” And that something is all about this weeks ‘bloids! Let’s go!
OK!
Adele is having a dream wedding! Good for Adele! According to OK!, the singer’s longterm partner Simon Konecki proposed after Adele heckled him on stage about NOT proposing at a concert in July! These two! And if you didn’t get that the pair were very DOWN TO EARTH (TM), they plan to tie the knot at a British pub. They’re also trying to have a second baby, which will probably be birthed in a British pub, as well.
Speaking of babies, Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are fighting over their birthing plan. “Delivering [their daughter] Wyatt naturally was extremely important to Mila and she wants her little boy to come into the world the same way, drug-free,” says a source. Too bad, though, because Ashton—treating this labor like a new episode of Punk’d—wants Mila on all the drugs! Every drug there is! “He thinks he has a better perspective on what’s best than his hormone-fueled wife,” the source adds and—whoops!—my head just burst into flames.
You guys ready for some SEX news? Jennifer Lawrence (26) and Darren Aronofsky (47) might be having it. According to OK!, Lawrence knew that she was going to fall for the director when she signed on to star in his new untitled movie, even telling a friend, “I’m so going to fall in love with him.” On set, Aronofsky is notably difficult, but it just makes her notably hornyyyy. “He didn’t go easy on her despite their developing relationship,” says an insider, adding that “he really pushes the envelope when it comes to her performance, insisting on nudity, physical extremes, and raw emotion. If anything, it only made her love him more.” Ooh, healthy AND sexxxy.
Elsewhere in OK!, did you know that human bodies, even famous human bodies, fluctuate in weight and shape over time? Mind-blowing! Also, Val Kilmer took a tumbleweed, dipped it in 22-karat gold, and now you—yes, YOU—can buy it for $150K. A steal, if you ask me!
Life & Style
Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton are juuuuuust about ready to get married, they just need to work out a few prenup details. According to an insider, “The whole process is causing a lot of stress,” something we all know that Blake—a good ol’ country boy who just wants his beer, his hound and a pickup truck—hates. Blake “is more laid-back about it. He would give Gwen whatever she wants and would happily get married without a prenup.” Wow, Blake sounds like a real idiot!
Looks like it’s far from PARADISE in these Bachelor-franchise relationships! (Yes, ABC, I’d be happy to write your ad copy.) Both Jojo Fletcher and Jordan Rodgers and Ben Higgins and Lauren Bushnell’s relationships are on the rocks. So on the rocks, in fact, that filming them would make great B-roll for whenever the next Bachelor takes his harem of sad desperate-ados to some volcanic tropical island. Imagine it: A girl wondering is she’ll get the rose while Ben and Lauren flounder on the shore.
Now that their relationship is healed, Beyoncé and Jay Z are ready for another babé. “Now with her six-month Formation tour behind her, they’ve decided to take a huge step forward by having baby No. 2″ and they’re certain that it’ll be a boy. (Look how it worked out for Henry VIII.) “If they have a son, they both agree on naming him Adnes, after Jay’s dad, Adnes Reeves,” says an “insider” who probably knows nothing about anything.
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