This Week in Tabloids: 2-Month-Old North West Has a $200K Ruby

Welcome back to Midweek Madness! It’s Wednesday, so we sent Callie Beusman to the newsstand to pick up the fresh-out-of-the-oven issues of In Touch, Ok!, Life & Style, Star and Us. This week: the Kardashians are pushing Khloe to fire Lamar; Cathy Z is in the VIP section of Hell; and two-month-old North West is a modern Veruca Salt.

“NORTH WEST: WORLD’S MOST SPOILED BABY!”

North West is the world’s most spoiled baby, despite being an infant who probably has yet to develop object permanence. In the only photo ever released of North West, she is reaching for a pile of jewels (probably). Kanye and Kim swaddle this baby in twenty separate $800 cashmere blankets. Baby Nori’s nursery is 1300 square feet. Her closet used to be Sharon Osbourne’s closet. A professional photographer stops by to take pictures of her twice a week. She already owns a tiara and a $200,000 ruby pendant. Another fun fact: Kanye reportedly “can’t believe the miracle of childbirth.” Who can, though? Moving on: Ok! reports that Katy Perry and John Mayer have already started planning their wedding. They’re probably (almost definitely) not, but here’s hoping he plays “Your Body is a Wonderland” at the nonexistent event. In other news, Lea Michele doesn’t want another love interest on Glee. She believes that having her character move on quickly would cheapen her fictional relationship with Finn, who was played by her late boyfriend Corey Monteith. Really, really sad. For a different sort of “sad,” look no further than Kate Gosselin, who is preparing for a reality TV comeback — possibly about her dating life “as the mother of eight pre-teen children.” Kate and Date Plus Eight? Finally: Sandra Bullock is ready to date again, says a source. She’s “embraced her sexy figure,” which means it’s time for tabloids to speculate that she’s dating George Clooney. Get it, Sandy.

Grade: F (bread covered in green and black mold)

“CATHERINE’S PRIVATE HELL”

Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas are having serious marriage troubles, prompting Star to rehash a ton of sad information that’s been already covered extensively: their eldest son was incarcerated, Michael was diagnosed with cancer, Catherine entered a mental health facility for bipolar disorder. A divorce attorney who has nothing to do with the couple speculates on who will get custody of their children: “Michael will have the upper hand because his cancer is gone. She will never be able to say her bipolar disorder is gone.” Pretty disgusting. In other news, a secret obsession with Jennifer Aniston festers in Angelina Jolie’s deepest heart, so she booked Jen’s favorite L.A. hotel room for a Sex Romp with Brad. The romp included sex toys and rubber sheets while the ghost of the Rachel haircut observed. (Are rubber sheets a sex thing? I googled “rubber sheets sex thing” and a website said that they’re “a must-have for any serious play pigs,” which probably means yes.) Moving on: J.Lo has landed on Taylor Swift’s “bad list” for being RUDE to T-Swift’s crew. According to an event staff member, J.Lo “made it clear” that Taylor’s friends were not permitted to “look in her direction or speak to her.” Also on T-Swift’s “bad list”: Harry Styles, John Mayer, a bit of jam that dripped onto her antique bureau. Elsewhere in the mag, Kate Middleton lost all of her baby weight by “just being herself.” Let us all pray at the altar of Kate Middleton’s post-pregnancy body. Blessed be. Last and definitely least, we are treated to a 2-page spread of “Celebrity Cellulite Shockers.” (Fig 1). Brb, huffing keyboard cleaner.

Grade: F (six day old stale baguette)

“I’M A TOTAL MESS”

And now, long after the world has stopped caring, we gather together to ask ourselves: What Happened to This Child Star (Miley Cyrus, duh)? She told London’s Sunday People, “I’m messed up.” Okay. The three-page article quotes a variety of “child star experts” (is that a real job?) and features a photo spread of all the boundaries Miley has pushed (Fig. 2). The best one: “A picture of Miley at a club French-kissing a person dressed as a giant baby surfaced online.” Making out with a giant baby at a nightclub is a classic call for help. Next: Gwen Stefani is pregnant, which means it’s time to talk about everything that’s gone wrong in her marriage (love child! past gay relationship! marriage counseling!). Ugh. Kourtney Kardashian apparently wants Lamar away from her children because he’s an addict, which has made her child Mason sad. “Ironically” enough, the magazine notes, Scott “American Psycho” Disick is an addict as well. Is that how we want to use that word? To be equitable, Life & Style has generously included a story about Kim Kardashian as well: a sneak peak at their collector’s special magazine, which is entirely devoted to Kim. Here are some dazzling insights offered: Kim used to tell Kris Humphries that Kanye “smells bad in bed”; Kim’s butt is not really real because it is the result of liposuction. Run, don’t walk, to your nearest newsstand to pick up your own copy today. In other news, Rihanna and Drake are back on —although they had a big fight right before the VMAs, according to a source. The magazine posits this is why Rihanna looked so angry during the entire event, overlooking the thousands of other reasons she could have been annoyed to be there.

Grade: D- (pile of sourdough crumbs)

“KARDASHIAN SECRETS EXPOSED!”

This story is all about Lamar Odom exacting revenge on the Kardashian family by spilling their secrets and rubbing his hands together and cackling like a B-movie villain. Read carefully and you’ll discover that IF Lamar writes a tell-all he COULD get $5 million, according to a “publishing industry insider” aka someone at In Touch. As of right now he has not written anything or attempted to “destroy” anyone — except, maybe, himself. He is “deeply depressed and angry,” and he and Khloe’s four-year wedding anniversary is September 27 — will they make it? Also inside: Kate Bosworth got married “in the middle of nowhere” — literally a barren, lifeless wasteland in Montana (Fig. 3). Next, as mentioned in Dirt Bag, Lana Scolaro claims Robin Thicke kissed and groped her in a bathroom at a club while is wife was partying mere feet away. “Just make sure you’re nice to her, because things could get ugly,” she assures us he said. Scolaro had her photo taken looking blank-faced and mildly embarrassed while sitting on a folding chair in the middle of a cobblestone street, which is how a woman who makes out with another woman’s husband should look, perhaps. Rihanna and Drake are back on, except they had a huge fight right before the MTV awards. And finally, the headline on the Snooki story is “Don’t Hate Me for Being a Size 0!” She says: “I definitely don’t think I’m too skinny — my arms still jiggle when I wave! I’m 4-foot-9, which is the size of a third grader, so weighing 96 pounds is normal for me.” She discusses her diet — chicken wraps, strawberry salad, grilled veggies — and also says she’d like to get married next year but right now her little family is still living with Jionni’s parents. But she’s a drunken meatball no more.

Grade: D (unsalted crackers)

“HOT FALL FASHION”

This issue does have gossip in it, but there’s more fashion than anything else. If you love looking at shoes, jewelry, dresses, jeans, bags and sunglasses, then you’ll be pleased. The juice: Liam Hemsworth is “over” Miley Cyrus and wants to break up with her. Anna Trebunskaya from Dancing With The Stars is pregnant and “it wasn’t planned.” She’s not saying who the father is, but does say: “I’m ready to be a mom.” In Kardashian news, Khloe thought she and Lamar were taking a weeklong break while he sobered up, but that was before he was arrested for DUI and then accused of having a cocaine problem. The Kardashians are “pushing Khloe to dump Lamar,” says a source, and Kris Jenner — once a big fan of Lammy — is ‘livid” that he might have driven Khloe around in his car while he was intoxicated. Finally, “A Tale of Two Hot Harrys” pits the Prince against Styles. Rogue versus scoundrel! Pistols at dawn! But in the battle of the baby pix, Wand Erection wins. (Fig. 4)

Grade: C (plastic-wrapped croissant)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from Star

Fig. 2, from Life & Style

Fig. 3, from In Touch

Fig. 4, from Us