This Week In French Tabloids: Rihanna Is 'Craqué' for Benzema!

Illustration for article titled This Week In Frenchi /iTabloids: Rihanna Is Craqué for Benzema!

Welcome to a special Thursday edition of Midweek Madness, where we go to France, see Jurassic World with French subtitles, spot a billboard outside the theater for a tabloid called Oops! (the tagline is “Les scoops, c’est oops!”), run to the nearest newsstand, see Rihanna on the cover of its latest issue, and throw €1,50 at the man before running outside and realizing you only understand maybe 30% of what’s going on inside. This week: Rihanna is crazy for some guy (I think), Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes declared war on each other (I think), and Kim is literally on fire and in hell (I think).

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Let’s see how much I was able to understand.


Oops!

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RIHANNA: ELLE A CRAQUÉ POUR BENZEMA! LEONARDO, C’EST DU PASSÉ!

This is a “Scoop Oops!” which, I presume, is the French equivalent of an “inTouch Exclusive” - and it’s a big one. Sort of. I mean, I already knew Rihanna was dating Benzema, but it’s fun to see it confirmed in a European tabloid. OK, so Rihanna (whom the French lovingly call RiRi) is in love with Karim Benzema (whom she lovingly calls “My Baby Benze”), and they were seen hanging out recently. They started by dancing for hours at the Griffin Nigh Club, they they ate dinner at 5:00AM. “Between the sportsman and the groupie,” the story reads, “it smells like love at first nose.” Karim “arrived with his personal chef, but unfortunately he lost him in the coat room.” Weird!

Speaking of weird, Cristiano Ronaldo broke up with Irina Shayk because a he was “balancing his night girlfriend,” some Playboy Playmate! I’m not sure what it means to balance a night girlfriend, but it certainly didn’t make Shayk happy.

The second Scoop Oops! is about Kim Kardashian being on fire. That’s right, you heard it here first: “She was happy for a moment,” but now pregnant Kim is literally on fire and in hell. There are no photographs of her engulfed in flames or chilling with the devil, but she apparently moved to the permanent inferno after discovering Kanye’s plans to name their son South. Who wouldn’t? I’m sure it’s more fun than Calabasas.

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Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck are overrrrrrr! There are two explanations for their pending separation: Ben’s addiction to playing games OR his addiction to infidelity. In any case, “the bill he received at dinner was salted.” A salted bill? Sounds like they’ll filing their divorce pepper any minute now.

Harry Styles spent $700 to take care of his placenta. Now, I know you’re probably thinking, “Bobby! You can’t understand French as well as you think you can! Stop doing this!” but I’ve seen Amelie five times. Anyway, Harry Styles followed in the footsteps of Kim Kardashian and Victoria Beckham by spending big bucks to keep his placenta from developing acne. It’s not the weirdest thing a celebrity has ever done, but it’s up there.

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Sexy Ryan Gosling should no longer be celebrated,” because he has declared war on Eva Mendes. He used to have a great relationship with Eva, but friends are saying there’s no more love and that they’re officially at war. Oops! goes on to call Gosling and Mickey Mouse “former coworkers” - a weird way of saying he used to be on The Mickey Mouse Club, but I sort of like it.

Another Scoops! A comedian named Kev Adams is hiding EVERYTHING. Well, everything aside from the fact that he is Bradley Cooper in disguise.

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Illustration for article titled This Week In Frenchi /iTabloids: Rihanna Is Craqué for Benzema!

I think everyone on this page is a French Who-lebrity:

Illustration for article titled This Week In Frenchi /iTabloids: Rihanna Is Craqué for Benzema!
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And Also:

  • Men avoid Sharon Stone. (Pretty sure I nailed that one.)
  • Demi Moore wants to reconquer Bruce Willis.
  • Amber Rose keeps adding more sex to Instagram.
  • Cinquante Nuances De Grey is out on Blu-ray.
  • Jay-Z is “entirely alone in this world.”
  • Chris Brown “skids when he’s up in the air.”

Wrong Answer:

Illustration for article titled This Week In Frenchi /iTabloids: Rihanna Is Craqué for Benzema!
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Grade: C+ (Vous êtes une Who-leb français qui est reconnu en Amérique.)

Appendix:

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Fig. 1

Illustration for article titled This Week In Frenchi /iTabloids: Rihanna Is Craqué for Benzema!
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Fig. 2


Contact the author at bobby@jezebel.com.

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DISCUSSION

IkerCatsillas1
IkerCatsillas

As a Madridista, I am dying that our boy Benz is all of a sudden making news in the US tabloids. Like, from his horrible fashion sense, to his constant driving infractions, to the fact that he didn’t have furniture in his house for years after moving to Madrid, Karim Benzema is an objectively ridiculous human being, and I’m so glad people are finally paying attention.